Jacob

We were reading in Jacob tonight, about the parable of the olive vineyard. While reading his verses, Joe pauses to insert, "Wow, these vineyard dudes really cared about their trees, huh?" When he had finished his section, I asked him who the Lord of the vineyard in the story was. He said Jesus. I asked him who the trees were, and he didn't know. I told him that the allegory was about Israel and the Gentiles, but reminded him that we are supposed to apply the scriptures to ourselves. I reread to the children that some of us are planted in good soil, some of us are planted in poor soil. The Lord always knows the condition of the soil where we are planted. Those planted in good soil can still bear no fruit, or bear sour fruit. Those who are planted in soil can produce lots of fruit. Whether we produce a little or a lot of fruit depends on us!

I needed to hear this story today. Life is always full of trials, as well as full of blessings. Which am I going to concentrate on? Will my fruit be sweet or sour? I know the Lord provides everything I need.

Today was fast and testimony day. I felt the spirit so strongly today that I spent a large portion of the day crying. I wanted to bear my testimony, too, but I was so emotional, and I hesitated too long. I wanted to talk about Primary, and about how frequently the Lord communicates to my spirit about the needs of particular children. I wanted to testify of his love for each of them, and how strongly I have felt the spirit with the children as we give our lesson during sharing time. I feel so blessed by my calling, by the joy that singing in the choir brings me, and by the stewardship of priesthood leaders in our ward. I am so grateful.

Feeling it

Today I was thinking about how blessed I feel. I thought about what a great home teacher I have...Bro. Peterson worked eight hours straight cutting up the branches that Patrick cut down from the trees on Saturday. I have no words for the gratitude I feel. I still need to dispose of the branches (if only I had a chipper/shredder!) but at least the house is out of danger. I'm so grateful for the friendship of Bro. Peterson and his wife, Kelly, who is a dear friend of mine.

I was also thinking about what a great Bishop we have. This struck me on Sunday as I was talking with the primary kids about choosing the right, and I mentioned the Bishop. One little boy who is new to our church asked what a bishop was, and then asked WHO he was. I described him, and he asked, "Is he mean?" I busted up laughing, and felt completely confident when I said, "Absolutely not! I love the Bishop!" He has blessed my life and that of my children immeasurably. When I think of him, I feel humbled by his service and pleased by the love he shows to the youth of our ward and to the children.

I've also been thinking about our relief society president and her sisters who recently lost their mother. Knowing Annika and Melanie has truly blessed me. Both are great examples to me and always offer encouraging words and positive thoughts whenever I see them. I consider both of them friends, even though I feel like I can't give nearly as much as I receive in the friendships. I don't know Kara as well, but I'm looking forward to getting to know her better as time goes on.


I went to the Bishop's storehouse this morning to work, and was there to witness two new service missionaries who were called to the Bishop's storehouse. This couple has been very faithful about driving from Bakersfield every Tuesday, and I've been blessed to work with them frequently in the last few months. I thought about the spiritual thought that Bro. Scoffield shared with us last week, and I find it still touches me as I ponder the "angels" that I get to serve along side of and learn from each week that I go. I find a little slice of joy each time I serve there.

Brother Scoffield asked me last week why I didn't stay home and study instead of serving in the storehouse. There aren't sufficient words to explain how much I love serving there, but I did tell him that I think of it like tithing. I can never give more money to the Lord than he returns to me tenfold in blessings. The same is true of my time. I can never give the Lord more in service than he returns to me in blessings. I find I study better and do better in my classes when I remember to serve others. And having been a recipient of the blessings of the storehouse materially and spiritually, I can only feel peace about spending my time there.

Gifts

Today after church, my phone rang, and when I answered it, it turned out to be a young lady from primary. Her family is fairly new to the church, and she has told me a number of times that she has a lot of trouble coming to church because she hasn't felt like she had a testimony. She had a dream that she didn't understand, and had been praying about this dream, trying out God, so to speak, to see if she could get an answer about this question of faith. Her phone call today was wonderful. The first words out of her mouth were, "Guess what happened, Sister Cavanaugh? I got a testimony!!" My heart was full of joy for her! I told her that when we pray and ask God for help, he answers and gives us inspiration, and that now, she needed to make sure her testimony remained strong by continuing to pray and read the scriptures.

I was also really touched during primary. I was assigned to give the lesson, what's called sharing time. My lesson was on reverence and feeling the Holy Ghost. I just love the things the children come up with when invited to participate, and I consider their smiles and affection to be tremendous blessings of working in primary. I'm so grateful for my calling...I'm grateful for children and their closeness to God. I'm grateful that I get to be witness to moments like hearing a young lady begin to grow her testimony. The biggest joy of all is feeling the love that our Father in Heaven has for these sweet spirits.

Sunrise, Sunset

I realized recently that I've been experiencing more sunrises and sunsets. During the summer, I seldom see these dramatic moments because the days are too long. But this time of year, I get to see both! Mind you, it's not in the way I'd like to experience them (snuggled up somewhere far from civilization with someone special!)...in fact, I'm usually in the car during these dramatic moments.  Nevertheless, I've enjoyed watching the play of light and color over the clouds and the horizon. (I'm a skies person, remember?)

In literature and daily language, sunrises and sunsets are often used as metaphors for the beginning and end of things, so when I experience them both in the same day, sometimes it makes me reflective. It makes me realize that in this world, all things have a beginning and an end. It serves as a reminder that some of the more difficult challenges I face are temporary and will pass away. It also reminds me that the blessings we have should be treasured while we have them, because our lives are short.

Someone I interviewed recently for a class, a beautiful lady in her 80's, commented that she didn't know how the years had passed so quickly. She said that inside she still felt the same, that the passage of years had gone largely unnoticed, but externally, her body, her face, her life was so different. She was startled every time she looked in the mirror. Her advice for aging was to treasure the moments and beauty in life, serve everyone you can throughout your life, love God and others, stay active, and be kind to yourself.  Enjoy more sunrises and sunsets. I'm grateful that I get that chance right now!

Tuesdays at the Storehouse

This month, we celebrate thanksgiving. Of all the holidays, this one is my second favorite (for inquiring minds, Easter is my favorite!). Although I still need work on expressing gratitude, I love that we have a holiday that is about being grateful. I feel I have been so richly blessed by the Lord in all areas of my life. I really have no right to complain at all about my life, even though I do from time to time. Maybe more than I should.

Yesterday in the mail I received a newsletter from the Poverello House. In the newsletter, they discussed the programs and opportunities for families and individuals that find themselves in tough circumstances or homeless. They also discussed street corner beggars. As I read through this material, I thought about all I take for granted. I complain about all the repairs and hard work I have to do in my home, or the yard work that needs to be done on my property. Yet, I have a home to live in with space to spare, unlike so many others. I complain about having to plan, cook and clean up after meals, yet my children and I have plenty to eat and some to share. I could go on and on about all that I grumble about. I need to improve!

When I went to the Bishop's storehouse today, as I try to do every Tuesday, I had a another learning experience. As I saw the familiar faces of my friends at the storehouse, my heart was lifted in joy. Although completely out of it at moments from staying up nearly all night to study, I felt so happy for the opportunity to serve those who have less, people I may never meet, but to whom my little bit of service can bring some relief and peace. I treasure my time there because it helps me to repay the tiniest portion of all that I have been blessed with. It reminds me that man "does not live by bread alone" but having a full tummy helps people to focus on the words of Christ and living a good life. Serving at the storehouse blesses me on another level, too...it keeps depression and darkness at bay as I lose myself in the work. I only wish I could do more to help others, but this small offering still provides me with perspective and peace.

Being Alone

I was talking with someone once about my desire to find a companion. Her comment to me was that I should accept that I may never marry again in this life. Way to encourage a girl, huh?

When I first separated from my husband, I thought I would never remarry. Too much work. Too much trouble. I've got a track record of choosing people that are mean, whether they intend to be or not. I couldn't imagine dating. At that point in my life, I was barely holding myself together enough to manage my children and I.

In fact, one of my acquaintances in the church heard that I was getting divorced, and she told me that I shouldn't go through with it. I had never discussed my situation with her, and I don't know what she thought she knew about it, but I was curious enough to ask her why she thought I shouldn't. She told me that I wouldn't have anyone to care for me when the children were gone. Without even thinking about it, I told her that my faith was enough, my relationship with God was enough, and I didn't need to stay married or get remarried in order to be happy.

I am happy to report that I was right - and wrong. It is true that our relationship with our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ strengthens us and sustains us, through trials, temptations, loneliness, despair. It is true that we can be happy if we are doing the right things, with or without a companion. In fact, if our relationship with God is amiss, then all of our other relationships are in jeopardy, so creating a strong relationship with Him is essential.

However, I was also wrong. My bishop at the time discussed with me what my plan was for my life. He encouraged me to stay strong in the faith, to date, fall in love and marry at the appropriate time. I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't think I could do that, didn't want to do that and maybe didn't even need to do that, that my relationship with God was enough. He always had his scriptures ready, this wonderful man. He whipped them out, opened them up and had me read from Genesis 2, and in Moses, and in Abraham. All three said the same thing...essentially God had created men and women to be together, that it wasn't "good that man should be alone." He advised me to think about the proclamation on the family, about what I knew from the temple, and to put all of this together in my heart. He encouraged me to pray about it and think about the example I was setting for my children.

Even years after this conversation, I felt conflicted. I thought perhaps that my loneliness and desire to be with a companion might be stemming from a lack of faith. I finally told told God that I was lonely, and he said, "Duh, you idiot! You're sitting at home alone or with your kids. Are you expecting me to send someone to your door?" Okay, okay. He didn't really say that, that's just my interpretation. In other words, he was telling me to do what I could to create opportunities where he could  bring people into my life. Once I overcame this hurdle and started actively seeking friendships and relationships with others, I still frequently got (and still get) confronted with the realities of dating at my age. Most of the men I have talked to who are my age are looking for younger, blonde, beautiful, skinny women with no baggage.

Um, yeah...good luck with that.

I own a mirror. A big one. And even though I try to avoid looking into it as much as possible, I know I'm not particularly young anymore, or beautiful, or skinny. As for baggage...well, if you're a reader of my blog you know!

Nevertheless, I decided to take God at his word...attend some functions, accept any and all reasonable invitations, and not set limits on who God might have in store for me. I am not particularly brave either, but I have a friend who had been encouraging me to attend some single adult activities for our church, and I had been resisting. I finally told him I would go to some activities, and I discovered, after the initial terror had passed, that it was a great place to make friends and find others who are going through some of the same struggles that I have been. Most of the people who attend are women, but there are a few men. I've even been asked out a few times, by older men. (I tend to prefer older guys anyway.)

I've asked a few men out, too. Most of the time, I get rejected. In fact, people trying to publish books probably get fewer rejections than me. It's easy to believe I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough for anyone to take an interest in. I've been on the verge of giving up several times and just staying at home watching Netflix videos until my brains fall out.

However, I am trying my best to believe that God's promises are sure, even for me. I am trying to live my life in a way that qualifies me to receive those blessings. I will obey and keep my heart open to whatever his plan might be. It's surprising how much courage it takes to keep it up.

Summer of Service

Last week was a busy week! On Monday, the two youngest kids went to a humanitarian project to make hats and toys for people around the world who have been hard hit by natural disasters. Then Monday evening, we helped a friend load up her moving truck. On Tuesday morning, we went to the Bishop's Storehouse to help package food for needy families in the central valley. That same afternoon, Kelly and I went and helped a friend to clean up after their move. Wednesday was faith in God for girls, as well as mutual for the older three kids. Thursday, we went BACK to the Bishop's storehouse (just can't get enough!) and Friday, we served at the Poverello House.

Someone asked me what we were doing all this for. Like most things in my life, I decided to do it for my children. My goal is to raise healthy, independent, self-reliant, grateful, happy adults who contribute and give back to their community. I don't want them going out into the world asking, what's in it for me? I don't want them thinking the world owes them anything. I want them to develop their talents and their gifts, to work hard for their dreams, and to always remember that someone is worse off than they are.

I felt that we needed to spend some time helping others who have less or who need more help than we do currently. I want my kids to grow up grateful, with a sense of self-worth that is unrelated to their score or level on some video game they mastered this summer. I want them to know that every person is a child of God, and deserves dignity and respect. I also want them to develop faith and a testimony of God's love for all of his children, to have a testimony of paying tithing and of service. I want them to love each other.

Another reason is to help the children realize that despite all the things we do without, that we are very blessed. I'm working very little right now and going to school. I'm trying to make a better life for myself and the kids...to set an example for them to finish their education. That means our budget right now is very tight, and getting tighter daily. Taking this step has required a lot of faith for me. I'm not comfortable living so close to the wire. Yet because of prayer, I know it is what I am supposed to do: go back to college, really serve others with all my heart, grow my testimony and be the best mom I know how to be(not necessarily in that order!). I'm not certain of much beyond those goals. However, I know that the children and I are feeling closer and more thankful for all that we have. I wanted the children to know that when we complain about what we don't have, we are forgetting all that we DO have.

We enjoy our time together in these service projects. We have witnessed God's hand in our lives and in the lives of others.  I hope to establish an eternal pattern for myself and all of my kids...serve, serve, serve, with all of our hearts.