Shhhh...can you hear it?

So after a few bleak days (ok, more than a few) I finally came up for air and discovered that God's tender mercies are just as active today as ever.

Shhh! Can you hear it? He's speaking!

While preparing for class today, I listened to President Uchtdorf's talk that he gave at the General Relief Society Meeting. I forgot to attend this meeting when it happened,  but I'm glad I listened today. He talked about "forget-me-nots," relating it to our own feelings that we are forgotten by others and by God. He gave the reminders you see above, and this great thought:

"Sisters, there is something inspiring and sublime about the little forget-me-not flower. I hope it will be a symbol of the little things that make your lives joyful and sweet. Please never forget that you must be patient and compassionate with yourselves, that some sacrifices are better than others, that you need not wait for a golden ticket to be happy. Please never forget that the “why” of the gospel of Jesus Christ will inspire and uplift you. And never forget that your Heavenly Father knows, loves, and cherishes you."


My heart was touched by what I heard. Then, in class, one of my instructors (a Psychologist) began to talk about tips to break the cycle of depression for people who have bouts of it. She kept apologizing for diverting from our topic, but shared some great thoughts about how to turn things around if you are feeling down, or you feel depression coming on. She may not have realized what she was doing, but I know God knew.  :-)


I'm just muddling along, like everyone else. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of things that inspire me, that let me know God is listening and intervening. What a blessing! I'm not saying I'm out of the woods yet,  but having a little push like these two incidents is sometimes just what I need to make that course correction from despair to hope. 

Down, down, down

I've been in a down mood lately. I'm trying to do all the things I normally do to keep myself up...get plenty of sunshine, keep the kitchen clean, smile a lot, interact with people, pray, go to church. I try to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. I walk a lot. I listen to uplifting music.

The truth is the "inner voices" are winning this week. (No, I'm not schizophrenic, at least not yet.) My old friend discouragement keeps visiting, telling me what a failure I am. I'll never be a good Christian or a good mormon, a good mom, a good anything. I can't even keep my car clean, the yard tidy. I'm a terrible missionary. I have so many projects that need attention that I just can't breathe some days, yet I rarely seem to finish anything, and when I do, there are ten more things that were just added to my list. I've never been any good to anyone and never will be. I'll never find anyone who will love me besides my kids, and they love me partly because they kind of have to.

People tell me that all I have to do is the best I can do. Can I be honest? That's the problem, isn't it? No one ever does the best they can do. Maybe for one little area of their life. Maybe for one day. But doing my best is unsustainable for long, isn't it? I can only put my best effort into one thing at a time, not everything at once. I fail at doing my best.

I guess if I didn't feel that there wasn't some small kernel of truth in each of those thoughts (or a big one in some cases), then the thoughts wouldn't be so compelling. And the bigger truths that I cling to each day, like that I am a daughter of God, families are forever, that if I keep trying to do what's right that I can eventually gain God's promised blessings...those hopes seem so pie in the sky and so far removed from my life that I just can't conceive of it. It's a good thing that I know that God is a God of truth, or I'd give up altogether.

Still, because I know discouragement is a tool of the devil, I'm trying to breathe, to keep my head above water, and most of all believe. A friend told me once if Satan is paying that much attention to you, you better hang on tighter, because there's a big blessing just around the corner, and he wants to keep you from seeing it, from receiving it.

I sure hope he was right.

Missionary Farewell

A few weeks ago, I took a study break and attended the missionary farewell for Elder Moreno and the other missionaries returning home tomorrow. His sweet testimony and kind heart endeared him to my children and I while he was in our ward. We loved having him over for dinner!

There were ten missionaries going home. Several testimonies touched my heart, but one in particular almost had me sobbing. One of the missionaries was talking about how he had prepared his whole life to serve a mission, but at one point in his mission, he said he was hot and the work was hard, and he said in his heart, "This is hard! I want to go home!" I have to say, this resonated for me. Even from the time I was a youth, I realized this life was not going to be easy. Life was hard back then and it still is today. Making good choices is hard. Overcoming my faults is hard. Feeling like I am worth anything is hard. Though it has brought me my most profound joy, finding the gospel only deepened the chasm in some ways because I was (am) always coming up short. Many times in my life and most recently in my marriage, I found myself saying (and praying) the same thing as this sweet elder. I can't do it...I delude myself by thinking that I can. And a part of me knows and remembers Home. I feel deep within me, "I want to go HOME!"

I just keep trying. That's all I can do. Praying, studying, reading, seeking, and trying. Most of all, keeping my heart focused on going HOME!

Fall!

It's here! The first day of Fall! Now that fall has officially begun, I can hardly contain myself. This is my favorite time of year in nearly every respect. I'm hoping that the change in seasons will brighten my mood and help me be happier.

I love fall leaves and fall color, as well as the flowers that thrive in the fall. I love pumpkins (and pumpkin muffins and pumpkin pie and pumpkin bread!). Doesn't the air just smell different in the fall? (And I'm not talking about the winery!) It's fun getting out of bed and thinking that I need socks, or toward evening, hunting in my closet for that first sweatshirt of the season. It's fun sitting on the couch drinking hot chocolate with a blanket to keep me warm (though that one would be MUCH better if I had someone to snuggle with!). One of the things I think is most beautiful is the fall sky, with clouds that drift across and catch both light and color. Making the first fire in our wood stove warms my heart as well as the house.

I hope this fall is filled with good things!

Inch by Inch

I was cleaning out some old papers yesterday and ran across a notebook from Girl's Camp the last year that Erin attended. I had also attended as a leader. I believe it was in 2004, though I foolishly didn't write the year on my paperwork.

Our ward had been engaged in a 40 day fast for missionary work, to bring people to Christ. People signed up for a specific day and it was their responsibility to fast and pray throughout the day for that purpose. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had signed up for the time that I would be at camp, on the last day of the fast. On that day, the ward was gathering for a break the fast meal in the evening. The day I had signed up for turned out to be the day of the hike (yes, the big hike), and so I only consumed water that day.

Here's what I wrote:

Today was a day of spiritual and physical challenge for me. I fasted today as the last person in our 40 day ward fast for missionary work. Throughout the day I prayed that the Lord would bless the missionaries throughout the world and thanked him for sending "my" missionaries to teach me the gospel. I asked that he would bless our ward members and me to find opportunities to share the gospel. I expressed gratitude for my testimony and thanked him for the opportunity to serve him with the young women.


In the morning while the others were eating, I read my scriptures about missionary work, and as I was reading and pondering, suddenly the thought came to me that I was a missionary to these young women, active or not, and that I had the responsibility to bear my testimony of the gospel to them so that they could be converted.


We left on our hike at 9. We first hiked up to a beautiful little meadow. From there after eating lunch, some of the group turned and went back to camp, but I decided to continue on. Despite my hunger and knowing that the most difficult part of the hike was ahead of me, I chose to stay the course. I walked at the head of the group, but as others went on ahead and others lagged behind, I found myself alone during the most grueling, rocky, hot part of the hike. I was praying often for strength (and wishing for wings). I thought this part of the hike was kind of symbolic of my life at the time...dry, difficult, challenging. To be honest, I wanted to give up and go back, but I pressed on. When I finally made it to the summit, the view was breathtaking! Even though I had seen it before, I was caught up in the beauty, as well as grateful for having made it. I was glad I had stuck it out. As the others came up, it grew noisy and dusty so I wandered off to sit by myself and ponder. It was truly an amazing, wonderful experience. I felt so peaceful and loved. I knew the Lord's hand was in my life.

It's so nice to come upon these insights from my past. It reminds me of all that I have to be thankful for. It reminds me that spirituality is a never ending quest on this earth, and sometimes everything seems green and wonderful (like the meadow). Other times, it feels like it takes all we have to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving upward. We occasionally slip and fall backward. There are many obstacles. However, the Lord is with us and is cheering us on each little step we make. Even if all we can accomplish one day is an inch, every inch counts!!

I Promise....Forever!

Erin and Nick after the sealing. They look so happy together!

Here's the happy location of Erin & Nick's sealing...the Sacramento Temple!

This was such a wonderful weekend. Well, with one exception...we couldn't locate my purse before our departure. But once we were on our way to Davis, life was good. We drove up to visit Erin and Nick. we got into town about 8:30, picked up Nick from work and went for a late dinner at Wing Stop. It was so much fun!

Saturday morning we were up bright and early, getting ready for a big day at the temple. At 9 a.m. we drove to the Sacramento temple, and deposited the kids at a nearby chapel and then went in for the big event. Erin and Nick were sealed for time and eternity at about 11:20 in the morning. It was so beautiful! I don't think there was a dry eye in the house. I felt so blessed to be there. I have loved her since she was four years old, and it was so deeply moving to see her take this step in her life, and to see the progress she and Nick have made in the gospel. I was touched by all the support they received from their ward. Afterward, they were greeted outside the temple by all the kids and by Erin's dad and his wife (and their dog Indy). We went over to the home of a dear friend of Erin's for a reception, and had delicious food and a great time.

Later that afternoon, back at their apartment, several people slept, I worked on homework, and the children played with Widget and Gracie or played on their electronic devices. We went out for pizza in the evening and really enjoyed the food and the fun. We headed back to Fresno later than I expected (about 9) and I was really tired on the way home. We were grateful for the prayers of safety before we left. Everyone except Kelly and I slept on the way home.

I am so grateful to see Erin and Nick receive the blessings of the temple. It makes my heart so happy!

Joe: Changes

Joe last week was talking (in his sweet, non-stop, spider-webby fashion) about a thousand things, and between one thought and the next, he said, "MOM, I think I need to get a phone now because I'm starting to have friends." Awwwww. Well, he's always had a few friends, but now, apparently, he has more. And he's had a phone before. Johnny has it now, and in fact, we haven't ever changed the voicemail greeting on the phone because Joe's cute little voice on the recording has grown up now and I just can't bring myself to erase it. At some point, Joe said he didn't really need a phone, and, rather than pay for a phone that was never used, I gave it to Johnny when Johnny started Manchester (as opposed to buying another phone).

Makes me wonder what will happen when Joe decides that his philosophy of never driving a car ever changes. Hm. No, let's not think about that.

Making Pumpkin Muffins

Johnny informed me that he needs a large can for something at his school this week. An empty can, to be precise. By tomorrow morning, to be even more precise. So in rummaging in our cabinets, I've discovered I have two options: Enchilada Sauce, or canned pumpkin.

And while enchiladas are one of life's best pleasures, I've decided to make pumpkin muffins, in honor of the fall that I wish were here already. I'm anxious for the senescence that brings with it crimson, yellow, purple and red. Great big leaf piles perfect for watching my kids jump into (while they're still young enough to want to!). Beautiful dynamic skies with clouds that visit just long enough to remind us that summer has left the building. The occasional camping trip that breaks up the monotony of school days. The beauty of a season that continues to shout in the perfect symphony of color that God is real and that he loves us. I'm longing for the smell of chili, soups and stews and that special scent that comes with autumn. Perfect temperatures...no longer hot enough to bake apple pies on my patio, and just enough cool to require the occasional sweatshirt and socks.

Yes, if I bake some muffins, I might just survive until fall.

Kitty Love

I had to share this cute photo of my kitties. Poppy (orange tabby) is a boy kitty, and Snuggles (aka Nuggles, because she definitely isn't snuggly) is a girl kitty. We used to call Snuggles our roof kitty because she was on the roof so frequently for years. Visitors would come to the door and she would meow at them, either from the roof or from the cross beam in the porch roof. Maybe she thinks she's too old...we've had her for about eight years now, but for some reason the last few months she has decided that the ground is a better place, and she's been hanging out near the front of the house, lounging around with (and occasionally kissing) Poppy.

This morning, we heard a knock on the door and when I went to answer it, a gentleman greeted me and told me that he had hit our cat Snuggles. She had been crossing the road as he approached, and instead of continuing across the road, she had become frightened and turned and ran back across his path. He thought he had clipped her backside, but she just kept running into our neighbor's yard. We searched for an hour afterward, and couldn't locate her. I kept checking the front porch and all her usual hangouts, but to no avail. Finally this afternoon, she turned up on our front porch. I couldn't locate any wounds, but she seems to be walking a little oddly. It might just be in my imagination since I know that she was hit by the car, but I sincerely hope she was as unscathed as she appears. Even though she's not snuggly, we love her.

Psychology of Disability

One of my classes is called the Psychology of Disability. I've been enjoying this class for a few reasons. First of all, the instructor starts the class with a story about a person with a disability. What I love about these stories is that they reflect more about the "ability" than the "disability," meaning they show the capacity of people who are really determined to adapt and overcome even the most difficult circumstances. It makes me think, could I do that?

One of the interesting things about this class is that we kicked off the new semester with our final. Yup, you read correctly...we took our final on the second day of class. Essentially, the final consisted of assessing our own understanding of the terminology and philosophies of disability. We discussed terms like exceptionality and somatopsychological (how the whole person - body and soul- are affected by disability). We also considered how some persons with disability viewed able-bodied people...as TAB. TAB means temporarily able bodied. The point in this perspective is that most of us are or will be challenged by one form of disability or another in our lifetimes...illnesses, diseases, physical and mental disabilities that affect us personally are prime examples. And as we age, we encounter more and more "disability" as our bodies no longer function the way they used to. Further, most of us will deal with the disabilities of loved ones as we progress through this life.

Interestingly enough, there are heated debates among those who have disabilities about a variety of issues. Where the participants of these debates stand depends on various factors...were they born with their disability, or did it happen to them later in life (and what was the age of onset)? What type of disability do they have? Does it cause pain? The stability of the disability matters in their perspective...do they progressively get worse? Is it better some days than others? What functions were impaired and how severely? Naturally there are a variety of internal factors that affect their perspective as well. Personality, self-image and their mental state are some obvious considerations. The person's inner resources and/or a spirituality or philosophy can color their view of their disability and affect how they adapt.

All of us, regardless of how well our physical or mental capacities operate, are people with intrinsic worth and value. We all have emotions and need some of the same things...love, companionship, care. We all desire to be useful and to varying degrees, perform our best. The primary thing that attracts me to the field of psychology is the remarkable capacity we have as people to overcome life's difficulties. The sheer resilience of people astounds me. It's an exciting time for me as I try to absorb all of the material I am learning.

Here's a quote to finish off this post, and it reflects the power of the mind--it can trap us or uplift us. What we think about or what we dwell on becomes our reality.

"To worry about what you don't have, is to waste what you do have." - Ken Keyes

When?

I was talking with Kelly tonight about surfing, since we had just watched "Soul Surfer." (Excellent movie, by the way!) Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to learn to surf, but it never happened. The one year I lived in Santa Cruz, I was broke and had no wetsuit. Turns out, Kelly wants to learn to surf, too. Can't you just see it? Kelly would make such a sweet surfer girl.

The other activity I wanted to try since I first saw it in the Columbia River Gorge is windsurfing. I believe the Columbia River Gorge is one of the most magnificent places on the planet, and when I go there as I have several times since first setting eyes upon this lovely place, I feel like I've just returned home. I will never forget driving along the river through the gorge one night when there was a full moon, and seeing the moon reflected on the water with the thousands of amazing trees and the breathtaking landscape...well, my heart and soul just about burst out of my body. I had to stop and give thanks to God for such stunning beauty. When I saw windsurfing on the river in the day time, I was so awed and captivated by another of God's creations...people! Men and women who were amazingly strong, who had invented this entertaining way of using the wind and the surfboard to make magic on the water. I was hooked. I would have gone and rented everything I needed and tried it right then if I could have.

Now I'm thinking time is passing by so fast and I wonder, when? When or if, I guess I should say. So many of life's joys that I have yet to try. (sigh) However, I realize that I have been so blessed in my life that I dare not complain. There are wonders in my life yet to experience, I suspect. And this time, I won't pass them by thinking, "Tomorrow."

Changes

Well, this Sunday brought with it some changes. I have been released from my calling as the Faith in God leader for girls. For those of you not in the church, for the past five years I have been helping the young ladies ages 8 to 11 to work on developing talents, serving others and learning and living the gospel every other week. It's a calling I love. We've made candy, visited homebound ward members, read the scriptures, done service projects, learned about exercise and (tried) how to conduct music. We've done a host of other projects, too, and I learned as much as the girls did!

Now the Lord has called me to serve in the Primary Presidency as the second counselor. I still get to see my "Faith in God" girls every Sunday as well as all the other children in primary (age 3 to age 12), and I'm sure the Lord has some important things for me to learn in this new calling. I'm so grateful to serve in whatever capacity I am asked. Since I first joined the church I've believed the leaders of the church were called of God so why would I ever turn down any calling? In this case, I will have the opportunity to work with some of the finest ladies I know, including Holly Ensign, a dear friend who is such an example to me!

I'll miss all of my dear friends in Relief Society, most especially the singing and the Spirit that's there, but I know there will be joy serving where I am called, and I'm looking forward to it!

A Lovely Quote

A friend of mine shared this great quote by Chieko Okazaki, a leader in the Relief Society of our church. It touched my heart and I wanted to share it with others. I hope it touches yours, too! Even if you're not a woman, please read this to the end. It's very profound! 


"We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we don’t experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That means he knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer — how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism. Let me go further. There is nothing you have experienced as a woman that he does not know and recognize. On a profound level, he understands the hunger to hold your baby that sustains you through pregnancy.

"He understands both the physical pain of giving birth and the immense joy. He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion. He understands your mother-pain when your five-year-old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your fifth-grader, when your daughter calls to say that the new baby has Down’s Syndrome. He knows your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your two-year-old, when someone gives your thirteen-year-old drugs, when someone seduces your seventeen-year-old. He knows the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only visitors are children, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed (married) in the temple last week, when your fiftieth wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years. He knows all that. He’s been there.

"He’s been lower than all that.

"He’s not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don’t need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He’s not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief.

"You know that people who live above a certain latitude experience very long winter nights and can become depressed and even suicidal, because something in our bodies requires whole spectrum light for a certain number of hours a day.

"Our spiritual requirement for light is just as desperate and as deep as our physical need for light. Jesus is the light of the world. We know that this world is a dark place sometimes, but we need not walk in darkness. The people who sit in darkness have seen a great light, and the people who walk in darkness can have a bright companion. We need him, and He is ready to come to us, if we’ll open the door and let him."

Another Year of Fun Ahead!

This school year began with a bang! Kelly began 11th grade, and has decided all on her own to focus on her schoolwork because she wants to get her learner's permit (yikes!) and I told her she had to have a B average at the end of the first semester in order to do so, then maintain a B average to keep it. She's still learning piano, attending seminary, and participating in the Young Women's program at church.

Joe just began 9th grade at Bullard High this year. He really wants to graduate from high school a year early so he's hit the ground running and is working hard to keep his grades at straight "A" levels. His STAR test last year showed that he scored advanced in everything, and he earned a perfect score in science. That's not too surprising given how much he loves science.

Laine is in 7th grade this year, still at Bullard Talent. She tried out for the improv team again this year, and easily made it. She also tried out for the middle school play again, and she has been accepted into the play (Seusical Jr.) but we don't know which part she'll get yet.  She had a lot of anxiety about this year, but I think she'll do great! She's excited to be taking stagecraft this year (prepping for the play) and jazz dance at her school in place of PE. She also scored advanced in everything on her STAR test.

Johnny is at Manchester GATE, and he's loving it. He was assigned to a teacher that we had heard some negative things about, but it seems like he really likes her. He's going to try beginning band this year, playing clarinet. He'll be taking some private lessons for a while until he feels comfortable. He's also considering cross country, which I think would be very good for him.

It's going to be a busy year!! We're looking forward to lots of good things!