Speaking Assignment

I've been asked to speak on faith a week from Sunday. Brother Ensign caught me as we prepared to head to the temple for youth baptisms. Joe is supposed to speak, too, but I don't know if Brother Ensign will be able to convince him.

This assignment just proves that God has a sense of humor, since my prayers recently have all been about increasing my faith in him and learning to do his will. I can feel him smiling down at me as I study, read, ponder and observe everything around me with the assignment in mind.

I've also been reading a book called, "Willpower Is Not Enough" which is an LDS book about how we can gain "control" over many challenges in our life by submitting to our Father in Heaven. I'm reading it with an eye for future therapy techniques and insight, but unsurprisingly, I've discovered that it too offers reflections on faith that are spurring thoughts and deeper inspiration about the topic.

This should be interesting. :)

500 Words

I'm trying to write 500 words each day as part of my effort to be more creative. I'm focusing on fiction/poetry/essays/analysis/etc. The goal is to get in the habit of writing a LOT, since writing will be a key area on the GRE and a tremendous element of grad school. I'm also trying to spend at least 30 minutes a day researching possible areas of emphasis for my thesis and/or research.

I might occasionally post these here, though I think I'll mostly put them on my writing blog. So here's today's effort, just to prove I did it:
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They were sitting at a table near me. Both of his hands, wrinkled and arthritic, clasped her tiny hand in his. He looked into her face with great interest as she prattled on, not making a lick of sense to anyone but him. Her words made him laugh, and I watched his face transform. I saw an indescribable something in his face, perhaps a glimpse of the man that he once was, before age bent and twisted his tall frame.

He looked at me, still fully engaged in his joy.  The tenderness I saw there, and his obvious devotion to his wife touched my heart deeply. Sitting alone at my table, I felt a sudden stab of jealousy. Kind of silly, isn’t it, to be jealous of a couple nearly 40 years older than me? Yet the stark contrast of this man with his nurturing demeanor, still so obviously in love with his wife despite what seemed to my experienced eye to be advancing dementia, with the bleakness of my table, devoid of any interaction, pained me to my core.

I smiled back and watched as his wife let go of his hands and dug into her pancakes.

“She loves her pancakes on Tuesdays,” he said, still grinning.

“But it’s Wednesday,” I said.

“Not to her,” he said with a wink. “I figure, as long as she enjoys coming here with me, and as long as she still eats like that, we’re just gonna keep on coming.” He looked pensive for a moment, but then his smile came back. “People say she’s not there anymore, but coming here – well, it definitely proves that’s still her.”

“It looks like you two are very happy, and I guess that’s all that matters in the end.”

“Lots of days are hard. Really hard. But that’s what I signed up for, isn’t it? Always and forever, I’ll be her husband and her protector.” He drank some of his ice water in big, noisy gulps. “She looked after me every day of her life, until this disease started messing with her. My turn!”

Once again, I had that pain in my chest as I momentarily contemplated my pending senior years. I pushed the thought of forty or more years of loneliness out of my mind as I questioned, “Did your wife work when she was younger?”

The smile was back in full force. “Yeah! You know, she was a legal secretary for years before our children were born. After they were born, she couldn’t bear to go back to work, and so we made do. She decided to do free lance writing for the local newspaper, so she could stay at home, you know? Did quite well. Only retired from that about three years before the Alzheimer’s took hold.”

“Wow! And what about you…what did you do?”

He suddenly became wistful. “I was a teacher at the medical school where we lived.” He looked down at his hands. “Used to really enjoy teaching. I miss it sometimes. But this is more important…and besides, I was getting so old that the young docs were taking bets on how much longer it would be before I dropped dead in class.” He winked and smiled again. “Thought about pretending to drop dead on the last day of teaching, just to mess with them. I chickened out.”

Disaster

This morning I was planning out my day and working on some things while it's nice and quiet at home. I signed on to FB to check out what's going on, and one of my friends who lives near Colorado Springs had checked in to say he and his family are safe right now, thank goodness. Another friend had posted unbelievable pictures of the fire destroying homes and encroaching on the Air Force Academy. I began to feel embarrassed about how mundane my concerns are compared with the people who are staring down fires and other disasters.

I've always thought about working on disaster relief crews. In fact, one of the schools I was considering offers a master's degree in international disaster relief. I don't know if I'll ever be in a position to help in situations like this, though I'd like to.

The thing that is so frustrating is to be completely unable to help at all.  Though of course I'm praying for those families and firefighters, it seems like such a small thing when you look at the sheer magnitude of those fires in Utah and Colorado. And yet, our God is a mighty God, is he not? So though I can't do anything practical at the moment, I can put my faith in God that he knows what he's doing.

H2O Polo, Swimming

Water polo season has started up again. Kelly perpetually smells like chlorine and sunblock now, and there's always wet towels around. I like comparing her comments before and after practice.

Before practice: "I'm so tired. I don't really want to go, but I will." After practice: "I always feel so energized after practice, and even though it's hard, I really like it."

Before practice: "I really don't want to get all wet again!" After practice: "Being in the water and swimming feels so natural to me...it's like I was born to swim."

Get the idea? Like most things that are hard, it's tough to get motivated, but once in the thick of things and after it's done, it feels really, really good.

The boys are swimming again, like they do nearly every day. Joe was admonishing his brother to make sure he got sunblock "everywhere he doesn't want to look like a zombie." He's very concerned about skin cancer and is very conscientious about applying sun block. Going through a bottle a week is a good thing, right?

Yikes!

I think I just had a minor coronary. I was folding a shirt I had just taken out of the laundry, holding it against me like I always do. I glanced down and there was a huge BLACK WIDOW on the shirt three inches from my face and hands. I screamed and tossed the shirt down to the ground. Thank God I was wearing shoes...I normally don't this time of day. What the heck? Did I wash and dry a black widow??

Of break-ups and start-ups

Kelly broke up with her boyfriend at the end of the week at EFY. Naturally, she's sad, but I have been so impressed with her wisdom through this. Comments like, "It's really for the best. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm walking on eggshells." Another: "I could sense it coming, and even though it hurts, I'm kind of relieved, too." And I particularly liked this one: "I really need a mormon boy."

There have been tears and anger. But I know she is a strong young lady, and she'll get through this. I've seen the wisdom of our church leaders in encouraging youth to date many people, not just one. She told me she's glad it happened during EFY week because it made it easier.

I also heard that another person I know whose ink wasn't even completely dry on her divorce decree was recently married. Some people find love and relationships so easily. I'm almost to the point where I just write that hope off of my list.


So in the interim, I'm just keeping myself busy. I've been doing research on some business ideas I have. I'm trying to get some things going that will generate an income so that I can finish my degree. Good news arrived in the mail yesterday...CSU Fresno approved my financial aid appeal. Still, the only aid they gave me is loans, so I need to find other financial resources to get through the next 8 months and beyond.


And I know God loves me. He keeps sending giggles my way to cheer my heart. Like the other day, just down the street from me, I was waiting (alone) at a stop sign. I saw a little bird chasing a big squirrel (at ground level) and pecking at his tail, and the squirrel kept turning around chittering at the bird as they crossed the street. Where is a camera when you need one!

Ladies Man

I've been having fun listening to Joe talk about EFY this week. He told me on Monday that he was in a group with some "eye-candy." (hahaha!) One of the girls was in his French class last year, and they've been having conversations that have opened my eyes to Joe's next developmental stage...dating. According to Kelly, the girls are already flocking around him. He's tall, good looking, has an interesting scar on his forehead, plays guitar, and is witty and charming at times. (We're still working on some of the social skills, like making eye contact when he gives a compliment and how to take an interest in what other people are saying.)

On Wednesday, they apparently had a dance, and Joe said he danced to every single one of the slow songs with pretty girls. Then yesterday after EFY, Joe told me that he talked to the girl from his French class some more and that he "was smooth." I asked him what that meant, and he told me that this young lady had asked him if he danced with any pretty girls on Wednesday, and he said yes, and listed the names of all the girls he had danced with and then said to her, "and you!" I asked if she had smiled, and he said he didn't know (thus the lecture on making eye contact when he gives a compliment). But he said he knew this girl thought he was cool because while they were talking, he told her he's teaching himself to play guitar and she told him she thought that was cool, that he was a pretty cool guy.

I smiled so much, my face hurt. :)

1 - 2 = -1

I've been feeling frustrated at myself. I know it's partly because we're not on a schedule, and I don't do well without schedules. I also feel frustrated because I just spent a great deal of time cleaning my kitchen (still more to do) and dining area, and then my washer breaks down. So not only do I have to buy parts to fix it, I had to pull my washer and my dryer out of the closet, meaning I can't use either one, and my kitchen/dining area is one big mess. Do you know what a weeks worth of accumulated laundry looks like? I feel like everything is one step forward, two steps back.

There's so much to be done in the yard, but with EFY going on this week, Joe and Kelly are gone all day. Then to top it off, Joe has a hike on Saturday so he'll be gone all day. I just want my home and yard to be in order, and I feel like unless I do everything myself, it just won't get done. When I look outside, I feel depressed. When I look around at all the projects that are unfinished, or not even started yet, I feel depressed. I'm frustrated about money, too...it seems like every time I think I've got the situation under control, another repair comes up (like the dryer).

My replacement iPod hasn't been working properly, and I called yesterday, wasting over an hour on my cell phone (because my home line isn't working) for them to tell me what I already knew...that the problem is with the iPod, not my computer. An HSA account that used to have no fees suddenly developed fees without warning and for months has been chewing into my balance without me knowing it.

I'm annoyed with Kelly, who in the past five days has accused me of being a goody-goody two shoes, told me I'm unreasonable, that my plans are stupid, and has flat out refused to do everything I've asked her to do. There's more, but I'm trying to restrain myself. I'm frustrated with the bathroom scale, which is all I'm going to say about that topic. I want to go to the temple and can't seem to find a way to get there except cleaning on Fridays. I'm annoyed with someone who for two days in a row has said they're on their way and then hasn't shown up for hours afterward. I hate my haircut.

I guess you could say I'm in a really negative mood of late. Thank goodness the missionaries came yesterday. Their hard work in the garden area made it look lovely and gave me a little hope. And thank goodness for my home teacher who helped me move the washer and dryer and take it apart. Today I have an all-day seminar learning about Alzheimer's disease management techniques, which I was really looking forward to until my dryer broke down. Oh well, I guess I can only do what I can do.

Go with the flow

This weekend, our family went to Davis to celebrate Erin's graduation. It was Patrick's weekend, so all but Kelly drove up with him. Kelly traveled with me. Just before we left, my dryer went kaput. It started making a horrible noise and we had to unload all the wet laundry and string it up around the house while we were gone. We said goodbye to our little Mu kitty and Abby and hit the road later than we expected.

I love traveling solo with Kelly on longer drives because we have interesting conversations. This time around, we discussed some weighty things like living together before marriage, how fear keeps some scientists from revealing their faith in God, how inconceivable it is to us that there are people who have NO belief in a higher power because to us the world testifies of a creator. We also discussed golden oldies, voice lessons, driver's education and our various pets. I took the opportunity to teach Kelly how to pump gas.

In Davis, we took Nick and Erin out for dinner on Friday night. Patrick dropped the kids off at Erin's and we settled in for the night. Saturday morning, there was a mad rush of 7 people showering, eating honey nut cheerios and chatting and eating and playing, together with three dogs playing and begging for attention. Then Erin's dad and his wife, and Erin's mom and her friend John, (Erin's mother-in-law and sister- in-law met them at the event), dropped by. Many, many photos were taken, tickets were passed out (there's a limited supply!) and everyone left except for the kids and I. (Since Erin had a limited number of tickets, and since attending the actual graduation would have required standing for an hour in the sun in 100+ degree weather followed by three hours in the arena, we opted to just be there to celebrate afterward.) Kelly and I arranged for Erin's gifts and Patrick's father's day gifts and we watched over FOUR dogs (Patrick brought Indy up). Patrick and Johnny were learning to play go on Erin's bed. Joe commented to me, "I just love how Erin & Nick moved into a junky college apartment and made it look all beautiful and mormony and stuff." (That made me laugh, but it's true!) When everyone returned, we took MORE photos and went to a restaurant in Davis called "Little Prague," Patrick's treat. I had lamb (yum).

We then went back to Erin's apartment and the kids went swimming with Nick while the rest of us served up ice cream sundaes. Erin, Kelly and I watched "Martian Child" and Nick and Joe started watching one of the Lord of the Rings movies. Joe ended up getting really sleepy because he had taken Benadryl for a rash he got on his tummy, so he came and fell asleep leaning on me. (It's been a long time since that happened!) We got everyone settled for the night.

The next morning was Sunday and we were even more crazy as we tried to get all of us ready in just a little over an hour since we had all slept a bit later than expected. I made french toast and encouraged the children to dress while Erin and Nick got ready. We went to church at 9:00 and spent the entire block there enjoying the spirit and being edified. While there, I was listening to Erin share her testimony and thoughts during various classes and I realized that she has become such a strength to me and her siblings in regards to her testimony! When we returned home, we cleaned up the apartment and packed everything up. Patrick and Laurie arrived, and Erin and I made lunch for everyone in honor of Father's Day. (Pasta with meat sauce) We ate MORE ice cream. Then Patrick, Laurie and the three youngest children left. I took a bit of a nap and departed with Kelly an hour or so later.

On the way home, more interesting conversations took place. A malfunction light came on on my dashboard about 60 miles from Fresno. Fortunately we were able to make it home safely and tomorrow I will arrange to have it looked at.

Last Day of School

It's official...I have a senior in the house. And a sophomore, and an 8th grader and a 6th grader.

Everyone had a hard time waking up this morning but we managed to make it to school on time, except for Kelly who had to go get some blood drawn this morning. I spent the morning and early afternoon cleaning up cabinets in the kitchen and doing laundry. 

Everyone was very excited and full of chatter when I picked them up. Johnny sat on the couch after school today and nearly fell asleep, which shocks me. Poor baby must have been exhausted. I had all the children clean out their back packs and their dad came to pick them up at 2, while I was at the temple cleaning. 

Kelly and I are driving up to Davis for Erin's graduation and taking our littlest dog with us. I'm going to miss my little Mu kitty...this will be our first time leaving him alone. 

What the kids are reading now

My 11 year old's top reading material at the moment...a hardcover book called: "Physics of the Impossible: A Scientific Exploration into the World of Phasers, Force Fields, Teleportation, and Time Travel."

Kelly's books: "Cold Mountain" and "The Grapes of Wrath" (also just finished Mac Beth for school).

Joe's book (one of them, anyway): "The Hobbit."

Laine always reads several books at once, so I need to check on what she's reading right now...

Mom Moments

A few things that make a mom's heart go pitter patter...

Johnny told me a few weeks ago that I should start waking him up at the same time as his brother. When I asked him why, he said he wanted to get used to getting up in time for seminary. Johnny is in 5th grade. He has three more years before he has to worry about that! It touched my heart that he's planning ahead though. What a sweetie.

Joe wrote me a note that said, "Dear Mom, I appreciate all you do for me. It makes me really happy when you make me breakfast, but I'm also glad when you don't because that teaches me independence. I'm glad that you care for me and keep me on the right path! Love, Joe."

Laine has been doing so well at school that she has been getting award after award. It's so fun to see her accomplishments!

Kelly has been working so hard on her classes. She has been doing her homework and studying, and her grades are reflecting it. She will most likely finish the semester in AP History with an A, which was hard to accomplish. She's also brought her grade up dramatically in Algebra II which is a minor miracle. She's ready to begin water polo this summer and trying to get her grades up to the point where she can meet my requirements for obtaining a driver's license. AND she's applying for a work permit. :)

On Sunday, Johnny decided to go through his dresser drawers and clear out clothes that don't fit him. He began with the his "tighty whitey" drawer...the briefs that he wore before he switched to boxers. He made me bust up laughing when he searched for ones with "skid marks" that should be thrown out before we donate them. Clearing out his drawers was his idea, not mine, which made me a very happy mom.

Joe has been doing little acts of service for me...one example is doing all the dishes himself, without prompting from me. He's also been practicing his guitar every day without me reminding him. He loves to play!

Also pertaining to Johnny, the other day, he came up and gave me a hug and a kiss and told me he loved me, and it wasn't even bed time and he wasn't leaving to go anywhere.

Watching Laine on stage this last week for her performance in choir was terrific. She's so responsible and her choir director counts on her to set the tone for the others, because she focuses on working in choir and not talking to her friends. What a great example!

Today, I received a text from Laine. It said, "Hi, mom! I'm in algebra but we have a sub and he said we could take out our phones." Apparently, all the kids were texting each other, but Laine pointed out that she chose to text her MOM. Yeah, I'm that kind of mom. :)

Just Rewards

Laine received an invitation today to a "reward" dance at her school, in recognition of maintaining a high GPA all semester. Like all of the other "rewards" this year, it's going to cost her real money to attend. (Or rather, me.) And, if she wants tacos and churros at this dance, she needs to pay an extra $2 for each.

Every semester, she gets rewards for good citizenship, good grades, completing her reading goal. And each time, the school makes her pay money to participate.

Does that sound like a reward to you?

The tick and the tock

When Kelly about 3, she took tap lessons. At the end of the session, each class participated in a big performance on stage. Kelly's class was dressed up in their cute little outfits, coated with lipstick, blush and eye shadow, and led on stage in happy, tiny tap shoes. Kelly looked so small on-stage, but was still taller than most of her classmates. Her pale skin made her look so bright. She looked both terrified and utterly at home on stage at various moments. The song they danced to went something like this: Tick, tock, tick, tock...listen to the happy clock, tick, tock, tick, tock...etc.

Lately that song has been running through my mind. I've been thinking about how fast my children are growing up. I'm contemplating the future and wondering how best to get myself comfortable with the Lord's time-frame. I'm trying to live in the now, but prepare myself for the future.

One of the questions I think about often is what does the Lord have planned for me? In addition to trying to be prudent about what money I have left, and figuring out what to do about grad school, and deciding what career I can best serve God in, I'm wondering if it's his plan for me to be alone for the rest of my life or if he is preparing someone for me. I'm a bit like Kelly was on stage...alternately terrified at being so reliant on the Lord and completely comfortable in waiting for the next little bit of light to appear.

Despite my spiritual willingness (or desire to be willing) to let the Lord be in charge of this stage of my life, my human self (the natural woman) in me wants to know precisely the career the Lord would have me pursue, wants to know exactly what to do about grad school, wants to know (now please) in detail how I'm supposed to get by financially until I finish my education, and by the way, if it's not too much trouble, could I please know the name, address, and phone number (accompanied with a photo, if possible) of the person I should be with? And by the way, if there's no one planned, then why not??

Pitiful, huh?

You know how sometimes when you're looking at the clock's second hand, and it's moving along at the proper pace, and then between one second and the next something happens and the clock hesitates, just long enough that you wonder if you really saw it hesitate or if there was some kind of brain blip?

I feel like my life is stuck between the tick and the tock. I'm trying to breathe and to pray. I'm trying to accept that after all, it's the Lord's timing, not mine. I know, I KNOW in my soul, that his plan has always been better than mine, no matter how great my plan seems in my head. It's my head that needs convincing, and I might just have to use tap shoes to pound it in.

The cow jumped over the moon

That's the name of the class I'm teaching Thursday night, 5 times in a row. The class is on goal setting. I have about 8 minutes for each class (phew!), so I have to quickly summarize my thoughts, present tools for goal setting, give some examples, pass out materials and encourage the ladies to "jump over the moon."

Whoever suggested me for this class must not realize that most of my goals are moving targets. Kind of like the moon, I guess. Hey...that's a great metaphor to use in the class! Maybe I can do this after all!!

Loved this post

I read and loved this post on a blog I follow. I love many people who are gay! I have two gay brothers and many, many gay and lesbian friends. This is one person's story. It made me cry!

http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html?m=1

A pool of emotions

My pool continues to challenge me every day.

This algae problem has been killing me. Keith came and put some algae killer into the pool, and it is definitely looking better. It's no longer green, but the water is cloudy. I've back-flushed the filter about 4 times since yesterday, and this last time when the water came rushing out, it was green for just a little while. Good news, right?

Now I'm scrubbing the sides and trying to make sure that the pool sweep has just the right amount of flow. My pressure level is perfect. If I can just get the algae cleared up, get rid of the cloudiness and keep the pool sweep running efficiently so that my kids can enjoy the water this summer, I will be in pool nirvana!

I'm proud that I know how to take apart my filter, clean it, reassemble it and get the system back to proper pressure. It's something I would never have been able to do, or wanted to do, before I started flying solo. And now, I've made even more progress because I now can tell which way the water flows through all of those pipes and stuff around my filter, as well as which ones are coming from the vacuum line, skimmer and drain. Now if only I could master the water chemistry part, I could save myself $40 per month.

Instrument of choice

So last night, I talked with Johnny after his band performance. He finally told me he wants to learn to play guitar. I tried to encourage him to learn another instrument and at least consider being in the jazz band next year (Manchester's jazz band is AMAZING!). He's not persuaded yet.

So now I'll have two boys learning guitar. I think it might be fun to see Johnny and Joe practice together. They already have so much in common...can my heart take any more brotherly love?

Forgiving

I've been examining my life to see if there are people that I haven't forgiven yet that I need to. The short answer is yes. Even when I think I've forgiven all, there are things that come up that are hurtful that reopen old wounds, and I need to refresh my perspective (and my spirit) by letting go.

I'm preparing myself to forgive more perfectly by looking at my notes and pondering what I've learned about the atonement. I've come to realize over the years that when the leaders of the church and the scriptures place the atonement as the central (core) doctrine of our faith that they really know what they are talking about. And daily experiences (as simple as someone's unintentionally hurtful Facebook post, for example) keep calling me back, reminding me that the atonement is an every day and an every moment principle/power in our lives, if we will let it be.

As it relates to forgiveness, one of the most powerful thoughts I cling to is this: Jesus Christ paid the price for all of our sins. Not just mine. Not just members of the church. Not just "good" people. He paid the price for every person.

This is particularly important for me to remember when I'm confronted with someone who is NOT sorry, not repentant, and who is likely to keep hurting me, or when the hurt will confront me every day for the rest of my life. It's easy to justify not forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts us, isn't it? "They're just going to do it again." Or this one: "I don't have to forgive unless they ask to be forgiven, until they say they're sorry."

And yet, how many times have I myself sinned, even repeated the same sin, and yet God forgives me because of the sacrifice of his Son? Jesus has already paid the price. And while God can require repentance as a condition of forgiveness, the scriptures teach me that I am required to forgive all people, all things.

At times in my pain and misery, I feel like Nephi's brothers, crying out: "Behold, it is a hard thing which the Lord hast required of me!" Yet because it is our Savior who asks it of me, I struggle to overcome the "natural" woman in me and forgive. After all, if my perfect Brother who never committed sin has already paid the debt through his sacrifice, isn't refusing to forgive the same as saying to my Savior, "The price you paid for this hurt isn't enough for me. I want double payment!" As in, payment from the Lord and from my injurer.

The Lord takes the sin of the sinner upon him, and then all that is required is to forgive the Lord. Who couldn't forgive the Lord? And yet, because we are human and living in the flesh, trapped in time, these things are hard! Forgiveness is hard. Don't you think the Lord knows it is hard? Because he knows it is hard, the Lord reminds us every week of his sacrifice through the sacrament. (And you thought it was only to cleanse away our sins!) He strengthens us and helps us along this journey, loving us perfectly as we come to understand and always remember the atonement. He is patient while we heal and take courage enough to forgive.

The blessing for forgiveness is a clear conscience, a fullness of the Spirit, a heart devoid of anger and hate, and full instead of profound love for our Savior as well as His perfect love for us. While the atonement is the vehicle of the gospel, love is the fuel. Let's make sure our tanks are full!!

Bye-bye, Seminary, and Other Stuff

First morning without seminary...the kids are thrilled. Me, not so much. I'm not a fan of changes in my routine. Besides which, there is a noticeable difference in the kids behavior when Kelly and Joe are attending seminary. Maybe I'll do a little seminary for the kids this summer.

In the meantime, it means an extra half hour of sleep for the older kids. Sleep is good!

I made yummy chocolate crepes filled with cherries this morning for breakfast. They turned out great! Then I went out and munched on fresh apricots from my apricot tree while I watched the baby chicks and the dogs playing chase. The baby chicks are not babies anymore since they've gotten all their feathers. It's time to transition them into the big coop. I did observe that the baby chicks have finally started scratching around like the big chicks do. Those turkeys were a bad influence on them, but they've overcome that bad influence now.

On the agenda for today: haircuts for the girls (I can't cut their hair like I do the boys' hair) and piano lessons for Kelly. I'm going to start the "add-on" for the coop today so that our new hens can have their own space (less territory wars!). I'll also be preparing for FHE (with extra help requested from my Father in Heaven so I can do it well). I need to read at least 10 letters of inquiry for the foundation each day this week, work on non-profit stuff for my friend, and make some phone calls about possible job leads. Let's see...what else...scripture study (in a few minutes), walk two miles, plant the herbs I bought last week, and try to get the pool back under control.

I think I need a manager. :)

A Screamer

Yelling. Screaming. Whatever you want to call it, I've never been a big fan of it. I try not to do it...ever.

Except occasionally at the ocean, when the wind is blowing and the waves are breaking and no one can hear what I'm saying.

There, with the waves pushing and pulling me, I've screamed at situations that cannot be changed, or at people who were not present because screaming at them in person would be unacceptable. I've yelled at my own stupidity. I've cried out to God in pain/anger/frustration with a complete lack of understanding at what my life is supposed to mean.

Standing with the sand being pulled from under my feet by the receding waves, shivering not just with the coldness of the water, but also with emotion, at last I come to my senses and realize that like those waves, screaming and yelling pulls and tugs at all the firm footing of faith and strong relationships. Unburdened, I've stood a  bit longer so that the salty tears I've cried are indistinguishable from the water splashed on me by the healing ocean.

I love the ocean, and not just because I can scream without anyone hearing. I feel like it's a part of me. When I watch it, I feel like it is speaking to my soul. It is a deep and powerful thing, and more healing than any screaming could ever be.