Being Alone

I was talking with someone once about my desire to find a companion. Her comment to me was that I should accept that I may never marry again in this life. Way to encourage a girl, huh?

When I first separated from my husband, I thought I would never remarry. Too much work. Too much trouble. I've got a track record of choosing people that are mean, whether they intend to be or not. I couldn't imagine dating. At that point in my life, I was barely holding myself together enough to manage my children and I.

In fact, one of my acquaintances in the church heard that I was getting divorced, and she told me that I shouldn't go through with it. I had never discussed my situation with her, and I don't know what she thought she knew about it, but I was curious enough to ask her why she thought I shouldn't. She told me that I wouldn't have anyone to care for me when the children were gone. Without even thinking about it, I told her that my faith was enough, my relationship with God was enough, and I didn't need to stay married or get remarried in order to be happy.

I am happy to report that I was right - and wrong. It is true that our relationship with our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ strengthens us and sustains us, through trials, temptations, loneliness, despair. It is true that we can be happy if we are doing the right things, with or without a companion. In fact, if our relationship with God is amiss, then all of our other relationships are in jeopardy, so creating a strong relationship with Him is essential.

However, I was also wrong. My bishop at the time discussed with me what my plan was for my life. He encouraged me to stay strong in the faith, to date, fall in love and marry at the appropriate time. I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't think I could do that, didn't want to do that and maybe didn't even need to do that, that my relationship with God was enough. He always had his scriptures ready, this wonderful man. He whipped them out, opened them up and had me read from Genesis 2, and in Moses, and in Abraham. All three said the same thing...essentially God had created men and women to be together, that it wasn't "good that man should be alone." He advised me to think about the proclamation on the family, about what I knew from the temple, and to put all of this together in my heart. He encouraged me to pray about it and think about the example I was setting for my children.

Even years after this conversation, I felt conflicted. I thought perhaps that my loneliness and desire to be with a companion might be stemming from a lack of faith. I finally told told God that I was lonely, and he said, "Duh, you idiot! You're sitting at home alone or with your kids. Are you expecting me to send someone to your door?" Okay, okay. He didn't really say that, that's just my interpretation. In other words, he was telling me to do what I could to create opportunities where he could  bring people into my life. Once I overcame this hurdle and started actively seeking friendships and relationships with others, I still frequently got (and still get) confronted with the realities of dating at my age. Most of the men I have talked to who are my age are looking for younger, blonde, beautiful, skinny women with no baggage.

Um, yeah...good luck with that.

I own a mirror. A big one. And even though I try to avoid looking into it as much as possible, I know I'm not particularly young anymore, or beautiful, or skinny. As for baggage...well, if you're a reader of my blog you know!

Nevertheless, I decided to take God at his word...attend some functions, accept any and all reasonable invitations, and not set limits on who God might have in store for me. I am not particularly brave either, but I have a friend who had been encouraging me to attend some single adult activities for our church, and I had been resisting. I finally told him I would go to some activities, and I discovered, after the initial terror had passed, that it was a great place to make friends and find others who are going through some of the same struggles that I have been. Most of the people who attend are women, but there are a few men. I've even been asked out a few times, by older men. (I tend to prefer older guys anyway.)

I've asked a few men out, too. Most of the time, I get rejected. In fact, people trying to publish books probably get fewer rejections than me. It's easy to believe I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough for anyone to take an interest in. I've been on the verge of giving up several times and just staying at home watching Netflix videos until my brains fall out.

However, I am trying my best to believe that God's promises are sure, even for me. I am trying to live my life in a way that qualifies me to receive those blessings. I will obey and keep my heart open to whatever his plan might be. It's surprising how much courage it takes to keep it up.