The tick and the tock

When Kelly about 3, she took tap lessons. At the end of the session, each class participated in a big performance on stage. Kelly's class was dressed up in their cute little outfits, coated with lipstick, blush and eye shadow, and led on stage in happy, tiny tap shoes. Kelly looked so small on-stage, but was still taller than most of her classmates. Her pale skin made her look so bright. She looked both terrified and utterly at home on stage at various moments. The song they danced to went something like this: Tick, tock, tick, tock...listen to the happy clock, tick, tock, tick, tock...etc.

Lately that song has been running through my mind. I've been thinking about how fast my children are growing up. I'm contemplating the future and wondering how best to get myself comfortable with the Lord's time-frame. I'm trying to live in the now, but prepare myself for the future.

One of the questions I think about often is what does the Lord have planned for me? In addition to trying to be prudent about what money I have left, and figuring out what to do about grad school, and deciding what career I can best serve God in, I'm wondering if it's his plan for me to be alone for the rest of my life or if he is preparing someone for me. I'm a bit like Kelly was on stage...alternately terrified at being so reliant on the Lord and completely comfortable in waiting for the next little bit of light to appear.

Despite my spiritual willingness (or desire to be willing) to let the Lord be in charge of this stage of my life, my human self (the natural woman) in me wants to know precisely the career the Lord would have me pursue, wants to know exactly what to do about grad school, wants to know (now please) in detail how I'm supposed to get by financially until I finish my education, and by the way, if it's not too much trouble, could I please know the name, address, and phone number (accompanied with a photo, if possible) of the person I should be with? And by the way, if there's no one planned, then why not??

Pitiful, huh?

You know how sometimes when you're looking at the clock's second hand, and it's moving along at the proper pace, and then between one second and the next something happens and the clock hesitates, just long enough that you wonder if you really saw it hesitate or if there was some kind of brain blip?

I feel like my life is stuck between the tick and the tock. I'm trying to breathe and to pray. I'm trying to accept that after all, it's the Lord's timing, not mine. I know, I KNOW in my soul, that his plan has always been better than mine, no matter how great my plan seems in my head. It's my head that needs convincing, and I might just have to use tap shoes to pound it in.