Semester Wrap-up!

I finished the last of my classes today. Needless to say, I am breathing a HUGE sigh of relief. Particularly after Wednesday's madness, I thought I would completely lose my mind. In my Geology class, my grade is completely dependent on how I did on the paper since it's 50% of my grade. I think I earned a high B or low A on the paper, so I will likely get either an A or a B in the class. In my Abnormal Psychology class, our whole grade depends on the tests we took throughout the semester. Since I had an A going into the final, and assuming I did as well on the Tuesday night final (8 p.m. Can you believe that? I thought I'd fall asleep!) as I think I did, I most likely earned an A in the class. Psychological Experimental Methods is my 5 unit course. I have been working so hard in that class all year! I had an A before turning in my research report (100 points) and taking my final (50 points). When I did the math, I realized that I only needed to get 113 points combined on these two items in order to get an A, and I'm confident enough to believe I earned an A. Let's hope so, anyway.

This semester was only 12 units, however. This summer I'm taking 6 units, plus challenging the upper division writing requirements. If that works out, that will count as another 3 units, making 9 total for the summer. I'm registered for 12 units in the fall, but will be adding one more class if it becomes available. In 2012, I am planning on taking 41 units total and applying for grad school if I can get all the classes I need over this next year and a half.

An interesting development has occurred over the last few weeks...I realized that although I want to do rehabilitation counseling/crisis intervention, the master's degree in this area would require me to work for others instead of being independent as I want to be. So I'm going to try to get into the MFT (marriage and family therapy) program for my master's, which will allow me to open my own practice or work with others in the area I want to specialize in, and work on other areas if I choose. If I decide to get my doctorate then ultimately it won't matter where my master's is, but I will be able to make more money with the MFT than without, which will be important in supporting my family through the doctorate program.

But first, I am so excited about finally getting my bachelor's degree. I hope the Lord blesses me to be able to keep afloat financially through this time!

Writing Again!

Somehow you'd think that with all the writing I've had to do this semester (altogether nearly 8,000 words making up 32 pages) that I would be taking a huge break from it until the summer session starts, but I'm not. I have felt moved lately to start writing a book. I'm in the diagramming and scene snippet stage right now. I wonder how much I can finish before my summer classes begin?

Finals Week

Two finals this week...I already finished up one class last week. These two finals are going to be hard, so I would appreciate any prayers from my friends! I also turn in my final research report on Thursday.  I hope to update my blog after I ace these.

Okay, maybe I should be happy if I just pass them. :-)

I love my MOM!

My mother was one of six children in her family, and one of four daughters. She was born in Connecticut, and moved to 29 Palms when she was just a few weeks old. She has lived there for the great majority of her life. She has been married to my father, Floyd, a man she met on Valentines, was engaged to by St. Patrick's day, and married to by Memorial Day (yes, all in the same year) for 47 years.

My mom always made sure I had word puzzles and activity books that would stimulate my mind. She (and my father, I'm sure) made sure we had a good set of encyclopedias to use for school in our home, a set I made excellent use of as often as I could. She encouraged me to read by finding used books that she thought I might be interested in.

My mom loves music. The more bass, the better. I remember she used to crank up the stereo and the bass, in the car and at our home. You know those cars that make the earth shake because of the bass? Well, I think if my mom could have had one of those systems in her day, she would have. She loved all kinds of music, even the music of my generation. Yup, she was cool that way. (She had a particular fondness for Elvis, both his music and his movies.) She taught herself how to play the "Funmachine" organ we had in our living room for my growing up years, and some of my best memories involve listening to her play music.

My mom loves looking after people. We moved from San Diego when I was six years old because my grandparents were in a serious accident. After the accident, she wanted to be back in 29 Palms to look after them. My mom was well known in 29 Palms, and especially known for her big heart and caring nature. We took care of several of her friends, elderly ladies and gentlemen she had befriended at the counter at the drug store, who needed a little help at home or who simply needed a friend. My mom took care of both her mom and her dad to the best of her ability up until the day they died. Even today, she and my dad spend nearly every Sunday at the continuing care that took care of my grandfather, visiting with the residents, playing games with them, and being good friends.

My mom not only cares for people, but animals as well. She loved birds (we always had several in our home) as well as cats and dogs. When we caught lizards or snakes, she would be very patient about letting us look after them. I don't think she was a big fan of snakes, though. One of my funniest memories was the day one of us spotted a snake in our house, but it moved so fast we couldn't tell what kind it was. Since rattlers were common where we lived, my mom and I quickly jumped up on our chairs and started screaming for help. I'm sure it was quite a sight to behold! It turned out it was a harmless snake, thank goodness.

My mom and dad were avid CB radio fans and participated in REACT. We had CB's in our cars and at home. We helped with search and rescue in our area. I don't think that's a hobby they still pursue, come to think of it. Still, it was fun growing up knowing all the CB and trucker lingo.

My mom nearly died a few years ago. She contracted e-coli, and by the time she and my dad decided to go to the hospital, it was nearly too late. The doctor said if they had been even a few minutes later, she might have died. The battle to get well took a long time. Her kidneys had completely failed and she had a serious infection in her blood. The initial prognosis was that she would be on dialysis for the rest of her life. Ha! Those silly doctors forget the mighty power of prayer! She regained the use of her kidneys and beat the infection.

Despite all that she gives to others, my mom has struggled with self-worth her whole life. She didn't feel she was smart. She never felt she was beautiful. She had a hard time understanding why others loved her. She was always concerned she was too fat. She still to this day says more negative things about herself than positive. Yet everyone who knows her, knows that she has a big, giving heart, a loving nature, a sure knowledge of how to help others, a beauty of spirit that radiates throughout her being, and a love for her family and God that makes everyone around her want to be like her.

When I was younger, I did not appreciate her enough. Now, having been a mom myself, I understand  and appreciate that she always did her best. I have always loved her, but as an adult who has made plenty of blunders myself, I know that any mistakes she made were always with her heart in the right place, and that is what matters to God. She is a tremendous influence for good in my life. I'm grateful to her and for her, and I love her with all of my heart.

Ward Campout

My boys and I were blessed to participate in the ward camp out on Friday evening. It was held at Squaw Leap (oh, wait, they call it something else now...I can't remember what it is, though.) The boys set up our tent for us, and we had a great time! The dinner Friday night was pulled pork, beans, carrots, and other yummy stuff. We were running a bit late because another ward member needed a ride at the last minute, so we were VERY happy to find that there was still food for us to eat.

After dinner, Bishop gave a great talk about the priesthood, with three wonderful stories about people who learned to honor the promises they made to the Lord and received tremendous blessings in return. This was held around a campfire with our ward family there among the tee pees, with the great expanse of beautiful stars and planets above us and the hills around us. It was truly beautiful.

When the boys and I got back to our tent, we read our scriptures by lamp light, said our prayers, and crawled into our tent to sing hymns and for our "scary story exchange."  We sang "Called to Serve" and "I Love to see the Temple." Then Johnny started his scary story, and before he finished, Joe fell asleep. I listened to the families around us, singing, playing cards, talking, and wondered if this was what it would have been like to be pioneers.

As it turned out, I had a lot of time to think about a lot of things that night. Earlier in the evening I had been "attacked" by allergies. I had forgotten how allergic I am to oak trees, wildflower pollen, and grasses. Even though I took an allergy pill, I could not get the symptoms under control, and some irritant had gotten into one of my eyes, such that it kept leaking and making mucous all night. I kept waking up with one eye sealed shut, feeling unable to breathe from asthma, and with the urgent need to blow my nose. I barely slept, and instead kept thinking about people that I loved, about my family, and about my future. When the sun finally came up, I went to my van to look in the mirror and discovered that the left side of my face was swollen so much that my left eye was almost completely closed. (My right eye looked terrible, too, but that was lack of sleep.)

I applied an ice pack to it for several hours, and kept rinsing my eye out, and by about ten, it was much improved. Breakfast was pancakes, sausage and bacon...most delicious! Hot chocolate and wassail made the morning complete.

After breakfast, the boys left to go find the caves, and I went with Katie and Keith to hike to the gorge and bridge area over the San Joaquin river. We saw beautiful wildflowers, lots of birds and lots of friends as we encountered others on the trail. The gorge was breathtaking...the breeze blowing up canyon was well worth the hike. The river was flowing beautifully. The hike was an easy one and we all had fun.

After the hike we returned to Fresno. I'm always grateful for these trips into nature. They remind me how much our Father in Heaven must love us, and keep my heart grateful for all the beauty he has surrounded us with. The earth testifies of Christ! I'm also grateful for our ward family. We always feel so loved and supported when we are with them. We are truly blessed!

Favorites

I was so honored to hear the Presiding Bishop of our church speak in person today. Bishop H. David Burton was a fabulous speaker, and he inspired me to keep seeking for the "Living Water" in its fullness. He's always one of my favorite general conference speakers. I couldn't believe I was seeing him in person.

I also found out one of my favorite families in the stake will be moving soon. President Ryan and his wife are moving out of the area. I'm devastated. President Ryan was such a fabulous speaker, who bore with good humor and grace a lot of riding about his short stature, but who truly has such a mighty and humble spirit. His talks at stake conference always touched my heart. His wife is another humble person, who just keeps serving and giving and no one would ever know. I consider them both friends as well as amazing role models. Together, they are a mighty force for good in our stake, and will surely be missed.

All of the talks today during our "Special Stake Conference" were fabulous. I just love President Cleveland and President Thomas, and hearing the Fresno Mission President and his wife speak is always such a treat. They will be leaving soon, too.

It will be interesting to re-read my notes in a few weeks and see what new insights I can gain. Hope each of you had a truly blessed Sunday.

A Better Day

Saturday I woke the kids bright and early so that we could go to Woodward Park and work with the "Mormon Helping Hands" group to beautify and tidy up the park. The kids were excited to be doing a service project. I dropped them off with my friend Keith and then headed out to take Kelly to City College where she had a speech competition for Chinese students. I dropped her off for registration and then went back to the park, where I was able to work for an hour with Keith, the kids, my friend David Sears, and several members of other wards at the Parkview Shelter parking lot.

After that hour, I had to go home to change into appropriate clothing for the wedding reception later that morning, and go watch Kelly's presentation in Chinese. I was really proud of her! She went first and was really nervous, but I thought she did an amazing job.

After that, I went to the wedding reception for my friends Scott and Michelle. It was a lot of fun and featured GREAT Indian food. It's so uplifting to me to see people in love and full of hope for the future. It gives me hope that someday I may get another chance to share my life and eternity with someone who loves me. It also simultaneously depresses me a bit, because I long for it so much and feel like I may never get another chance. (I have had many heart-to-heart talks with my Father in Heaven about this matter. He knows I believe I am ready, after nearly seven years alone. The timing is up to him, but I am determined to do what I can to prepare.) The reception was beautiful. Michelle looked fantastic, and she and her husband were blissfully happy. I love the story of how they met.When Michelle came to our ward, I felt like I had known her forever...she is a wonderful lady. Kelly met me there later to deliver her hugs and personal congratulations, and we went home.

Can you believe we actually ran out of gas a few blocks from home? That's what I get for postponing the pain at the pump a bit too long. I thought I would have enough gas to drop Kelly at home then hit the gas station, but it didn't work out that way. That's why I pay the big bucks to CSAA every year...so they can send me cute tow truck drivers to rescue me from my own stupidity. (smile)

In the afternoon, several of us took naps, and we worked on various projects including tidying up a bit around the house. Toward evening, I was still feeling blue, so I talked to a friend and invited him to go to a movie at the $3 theater, then out for dessert afterward. It was just what I needed...entering the alternate reality of the movie theater!

Oof!

Friday was a tense day following a tense week. I was fighting the insurance company to make them cover Joe's medication, and I had just finished a preliminary report for my research project. We were all exhausted. After school all of us just felt like doing nothing. We ordered pizza and I took Kelly to the special needs dance for our stake. She said it was the best dance she had ever been to because it was small and it was easier to talk and socialize, plus she said the special needs kids were awesome. I forced myself to stay awake until I got her and her friend Alex home from the dance, then found myself immobilized with exhaustion and a depressed feeling. I went to my room about 10:30 to watch movie on netflix while the kids played in the living room, but it wouldn't work, and I ended up dozing off. Around 11, Johnny woke me for family prayer and scripture study (I just love that Johnny ALWAYS remembers the important things!). After getting the kids off to bed, I collapsed back in bed. Glad to be done with that week!

For a Small Moment

Some moments just stick in your mind. I don't know why this has been on my mind lately, but it has.

All of my children, because they were big babies (9lbs 1 oz, 9 lbs 13 oz, 9lbs, and 9lbs 1 oz) all had to have their blood sugar monitored in the 12 hours after they were born, which meant frequent skin pricks. They screamed through these painful things of course. The mama tiger in me wanted to knock the nurses out flat and safeguard my babies in my arms. I realized, though, that these tests were for their own good, and managed to keep my claws sheathed.

Each time the children would have shots, I would have the same reaction. I hated to see them scream in pain. How does a mom get through that? By clenching her teeth, saying sweet words of comfort to her children, and reminding herself that the shots would protect them from diseases worse than a little needle prick now.

When Joe received his head injury, he was only four. When I walked in and saw him with his neck in a brace, his head wrapped up in bandages, and the paramedics about to put him on a backboard, and they were saying things like "concussion" and "trauma center" out loud, I wanted to level the room, make time go backward, do anything - possible or impossible - to protect him and make him whole again. Instead, I let him be put on the board and the stretcher, endured his screams as they put in an IV in the ambulance, and comforted him until he fell asleep for the stitches. I watched them clean that wound, irrigate it, move his skin around this way and that so that I could actually see his skull, all the time wishing I could undo what had happened and make the pain go away.

Sometimes the pain is acute in other ways. Hearing that your children are being called names, seeing them struggle with loneliness, betrayal, pain, shortcomings...at times I wish I could take all those things on me so that they don't have to suffer. Yet I also know that these experiences, so immense to them now, are small compared to some of the things they will have to face in life, and so I let them learn to cope, learn to filter out the things that don't matter and hold on to what really does. I encourage them as they work on the areas they need to improve on. But they have to do these things on their own sometimes, and I have to let them. I tell them that I know they can do it. I show my love for them in as many different ways as I can, and then tell them to get down to business. They aren't always happy about my "get to work" attitude. At times, they feel I have abandoned them, and they lash out at me. They think I'm lazy, or a bad mother.  It's difficult to explain to them when they are still so young that their perspective will change as they get older, that the skills I'm trying to help them learn will benefit them later in life. My teenage daughter in particular is quick to point out my perceived and real failures as a mother.

These are small, personal examples, yet I know our Heavenly Father must look at some of the things that we go through in the same way, with more wisdom and understanding than we now possess. While we can see and feel only our present pain, he sees the growth that will come because of it, the immunity it will give us to some of life's smaller hurts, the strength it will give us to face the future trials we will have, and the connections and relationships that will develop because of the purifying influence of our trials. Does it break his heart to see our pain? I think it does. Are there times he wishes he could take away the sorrow and the distress? Yes, I know there are! And when we lash out at him because everything feels too intense and unfair, does he understand? I believe he does.

God doesn't measure time in the same way we do, does he? What are hours, weeks, months, years, decades to God? They are but a small moment. As eternal beings, we once knew this, but living on this earth without that memory, time here feels incredibly slow, and the things we must endure seem to be interminable. When we pass on, we will know again how brief, how incredibly brief, this life on earth has been in the grand scheme of things. I think the older I get, the closer I come to seeing time in the same way God does, because it feels like time passes more and more quickly each passing day.

When we say that God cannot be real because of the suffering he allows us to experience, I have come to realize that this is our flawed human understanding at work. God does not cause the pain...the things that happen (or don't happen) in this world come about because of the natural laws that govern this world, through other people's free agency, and through our own good and bad choices. But God, who amazes me with his smallest, almost unseen expressions of love, can take even the worst things that happen and with our cooperation, use them to our benefit and HIS glory. Everything works to his purpose. He who made the world has a plan for us that includes our fight against adversity, pain and despair, and allows us to emerge after this life (butterfly-like), strong, pure, and full of faith.

I have so many people I know who are struggling right now, and I hope if you've taken time to read this, you will know that you are on my mind and in my prayers. Remember that all of THIS is truly just a small moment. Keep on going until the next minute, til the next breath. Keep believing that he is there and will help you bear it. Look for the evidences of his love...and remember...I know you can do it. I believe in you. I love you!

Phew!

I'm so grateful that I had the chance to clean the temple yesterday. It added peace to an otherwise kind of hectic day. It was a day full of odds and ends and it was the type of day that had me feeling like I was on a treadmill...running and running but not making much progress. Still, I was able to check a few things off of my list, including buying wood for my little "chick" pen I'm making for our new baby chicks.

I had a very unrestful night’s sleep. The kids were all riled up and even though they were in bed by ten, they didn't go to sleep until 11. I went to bed last night feeling green around the edges and this morning, I felt green in my tummy. I wasn't the only one. Laine also felt queasy this morning. Ugh. I hate feeling nauseated. I also had nightmares...they kept me tense and anxious all night.

I went to bed a bit early last night, not only because I wasn’t feeling well, but also because I found out yesterday that I had homework to finish by class time today, so I knew I would need to wake up a bit earlier than usual. I also finished up my research project, or at least the data gathering stage. I after collecting data last week, I still needed four senior men who lived inside of a retirement community to participate and I did not find volunteers yesterday. Today I sat and visited with four very charming senior gentlemen who  talked my ears off and volunteered to help me with my survey. Do you think I should be concerned that a 93 year old man invited me up to his apartment and gave me his phone number? LOL I realized as I sat and visited with them today that I REALLY miss working with older adults. I love hearing them talk about their stories of their lives and I enjoy their sense of humor. Nearly everyone I interviewed was 80 or older, so it was tons of fun for me! 

This is what our day looked like today (though our schedule on Tuesdays tend to vary from time to time): 5:30 – woke Kelly, worked on homework. 6:40 took Kelly to seminary, made lunches, woke the other children, made breakfast. 7:30 picked up Kelly from seminary, took her Hoover, took Joe to Tenaya, dropped Laine and Johnny off at Gibson to catch the bus. At  8:05 - headed to Clovis to talk with the first of my volunteers. 9:30, Geology class at Fresno State – turned in exam. 10:45 - Headed back to Clovis to finish talking with volunteers. Noon: Psych Research Class at Fresno State. 2:00 – Drove to Joe's school and studied while I waited for him to get out. 2:45 -  picked up Kelly and drove home. Tidied up a bit. 3:20, picked up Johnny from school and studied while we waited for Laine to get out of class at 3:45. 4:00 – Made dinner and orchestrated the kids' homework as well as my own. 6:00 Abnormal psychology class at Fresno State. After class, there's family prayer and scripture study getting the kids ready for bed and then personal prayer and scripture study, as well as work on homework/emails till bedtime.

When I start to feel grumpy about all there is to do, I remind myself how blessed I am. And I am truly blessed! I have only two more full weeks of the semester before finals, then summer classes start three weeks after that. Tonight I get to register for my fall classes. That's all for now, folks! I'll try to check in later this week.