For a Small Moment

Some moments just stick in your mind. I don't know why this has been on my mind lately, but it has.

All of my children, because they were big babies (9lbs 1 oz, 9 lbs 13 oz, 9lbs, and 9lbs 1 oz) all had to have their blood sugar monitored in the 12 hours after they were born, which meant frequent skin pricks. They screamed through these painful things of course. The mama tiger in me wanted to knock the nurses out flat and safeguard my babies in my arms. I realized, though, that these tests were for their own good, and managed to keep my claws sheathed.

Each time the children would have shots, I would have the same reaction. I hated to see them scream in pain. How does a mom get through that? By clenching her teeth, saying sweet words of comfort to her children, and reminding herself that the shots would protect them from diseases worse than a little needle prick now.

When Joe received his head injury, he was only four. When I walked in and saw him with his neck in a brace, his head wrapped up in bandages, and the paramedics about to put him on a backboard, and they were saying things like "concussion" and "trauma center" out loud, I wanted to level the room, make time go backward, do anything - possible or impossible - to protect him and make him whole again. Instead, I let him be put on the board and the stretcher, endured his screams as they put in an IV in the ambulance, and comforted him until he fell asleep for the stitches. I watched them clean that wound, irrigate it, move his skin around this way and that so that I could actually see his skull, all the time wishing I could undo what had happened and make the pain go away.

Sometimes the pain is acute in other ways. Hearing that your children are being called names, seeing them struggle with loneliness, betrayal, pain, shortcomings...at times I wish I could take all those things on me so that they don't have to suffer. Yet I also know that these experiences, so immense to them now, are small compared to some of the things they will have to face in life, and so I let them learn to cope, learn to filter out the things that don't matter and hold on to what really does. I encourage them as they work on the areas they need to improve on. But they have to do these things on their own sometimes, and I have to let them. I tell them that I know they can do it. I show my love for them in as many different ways as I can, and then tell them to get down to business. They aren't always happy about my "get to work" attitude. At times, they feel I have abandoned them, and they lash out at me. They think I'm lazy, or a bad mother.  It's difficult to explain to them when they are still so young that their perspective will change as they get older, that the skills I'm trying to help them learn will benefit them later in life. My teenage daughter in particular is quick to point out my perceived and real failures as a mother.

These are small, personal examples, yet I know our Heavenly Father must look at some of the things that we go through in the same way, with more wisdom and understanding than we now possess. While we can see and feel only our present pain, he sees the growth that will come because of it, the immunity it will give us to some of life's smaller hurts, the strength it will give us to face the future trials we will have, and the connections and relationships that will develop because of the purifying influence of our trials. Does it break his heart to see our pain? I think it does. Are there times he wishes he could take away the sorrow and the distress? Yes, I know there are! And when we lash out at him because everything feels too intense and unfair, does he understand? I believe he does.

God doesn't measure time in the same way we do, does he? What are hours, weeks, months, years, decades to God? They are but a small moment. As eternal beings, we once knew this, but living on this earth without that memory, time here feels incredibly slow, and the things we must endure seem to be interminable. When we pass on, we will know again how brief, how incredibly brief, this life on earth has been in the grand scheme of things. I think the older I get, the closer I come to seeing time in the same way God does, because it feels like time passes more and more quickly each passing day.

When we say that God cannot be real because of the suffering he allows us to experience, I have come to realize that this is our flawed human understanding at work. God does not cause the pain...the things that happen (or don't happen) in this world come about because of the natural laws that govern this world, through other people's free agency, and through our own good and bad choices. But God, who amazes me with his smallest, almost unseen expressions of love, can take even the worst things that happen and with our cooperation, use them to our benefit and HIS glory. Everything works to his purpose. He who made the world has a plan for us that includes our fight against adversity, pain and despair, and allows us to emerge after this life (butterfly-like), strong, pure, and full of faith.

I have so many people I know who are struggling right now, and I hope if you've taken time to read this, you will know that you are on my mind and in my prayers. Remember that all of THIS is truly just a small moment. Keep on going until the next minute, til the next breath. Keep believing that he is there and will help you bear it. Look for the evidences of his love...and remember...I know you can do it. I believe in you. I love you!