Senior Living Network

Well, we completed another successful year for the Senior Living Network. I worked with my friend and co-chair Renee to solicit sponsors and donations for three events...our Alzheimer's awareness walk that took place in March, the Alzheimer's Educational Forum that we put on in June, and last, but certainly not least, the Senior Living Network Fashion Show and Luncheon that took place a few weeks ago.

Phew! It has been a lot of work in this tough economy. Donations were not what we would like them to be, but we have high hopes that this coming year will be easier and better. And now we get to start on another year! For those who are unaware, the Senior Living Network is made up of a group of volunteers, all professionals who work with and for the senior community in our area. The organization's mission statement is "to raise funds and awareness through education for Alzheimer's disease and related dementia." The funds are divided between three organizations...UCSF Fresno Alzheimer's & Memory Center, OASIS (Older Adult Social Services), and the Alzheimer's Foundation of Central California.

I've been the fundraising chair/co-chair for three years now. I took it on shortly after my own grandfather, who had Alzheimer's disease, died. It is interesting that all these years I have worked with individuals and families to provide care for clients who had varying types and stages of dementia, and yet when it struck in my own family, I was unprepared for the emotional impact it would have on all of us. Practically, I could tell my mom what to do to ensure that my grandfather couldn't drive after he became dangerous on the road. I could also comfort her that his accusations of theft and his paranoia were products of dementia, and not to take them personally. I could advise her on how to handle his hoarding behaviors. And I could even help her through the process of what to do for my uncle, who has several disabilities, once my grandfather could no longer care for him. But seeing the impact of it, losing him day by day...it was still devastating. Fortunately my grandfather did not linger on for years with Alzheimer's. He had other health issues that first made it impossible to communicate and later took his life before we had to endure the difficulties and challenges of advanced dementia.

Alzheimer's is one of the cruelest diseases, in my opinion. It takes away a loved one bit by bit. Because a person can otherwise be healthy, the disease can progress for years and years. Its toll on families and on individuals who care for someone with Alzheimer's is immense. They mourn the losses, big and small, of the parts of the person they've loved for years as each day passes. As the brain deteriorates, it can seem as if they are left with just the shell and the thankless, unending care of someone who is increasingly mentally absent. The caregivers are plagued with exhaustion, especially if they're unable to get respite care to give them a break from their duties. It's a 24 hour a day responsibility and seldom offers chances for uninterrupted sleep for the caregiver.

The only comfort I can find when I'm faced with a family dealing with this terrible disease is the assurances that my faith brings me. I know that we live upon this imperfect world in bodies that are subject to the frailties of the flesh. I know that when our spirits inhabit these bodies, that whatever happens to them tests us and others around us. Our resilience, our testimonies, our determination to remain faithful, our willingness to love and serve others can be strengthened or weakened by how we respond to these challenges. And in the case of Alzheimer's, where our brain physically changes and behavior is affected, I cling to the knowledge that inside, the spirit and the essence of who a person is remains unchanged. I stand certain that even if a beloved family member no longer recognizes us in this existence, in the hereafter, they will certainly remember us and love us for the sacrifices we have made in caring for them, despite the terrible toll it takes on every level. And when we are resurrected, our bodies will no longer subject to illness or disease and will be whole and all of our faculties restored.

I love working with this group of professionals, and making an impact, however small, that connects families dealing with Alzheimer's to support, help, and hope. Our next event takes place on April 2, 2010...it will be our Alzheimer's Awareness walk at Woodward park. Won't you join us?

A Song I Love

I've been listening to the EFY 2009 CD in my car, and one of the songs I love is called "The Real Me." Every time I hear it, I think about the fact that I never have to hide who I really am from God, or what's going on in my heart.

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a Charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

And you love me just as I am

Wonderful, Beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

Moving On

My former husband is getting married. Many friends have asked me how I feel about this and are concerned for my well being. To me, his Christmas-time marriage is a good thing, as he is a much better parent when he has a partner. It's also good because I want him to be happy...after all, we were married for 13 years. When he is alone, he is absolutely NOT happy. The kids are okay with him getting married. They've expressed concern about me being alone, though they've also admitted that me getting remarried would be much harder for them than their dad getting remarried. The kids love him, and so do I, because of them. His happiness means the kids will be happier and will be treated better. And Patrick will always be a part of our family.

This doesn't mean it's easy for me to see him get married. One part of me has to finally relinquish the glimmer of hope I had for a miraculous change of heart and behavior that might have yielded a chance for real hope for us. A part of me feels it's really unfair, questions (again) what God has in store for me.

According to a recent study, about 39 percent of Americans think marriage is obsolete. As for me, I don't consider marriage to be obsolete, though I apparently have great difficulty choosing "the One." I believe marriage is ordained of God for the benefit of mankind, creating the best possible environment for raising children, and allowing maximum growth for the couple. Divorce has not turned me off of marriage, though it has scared me a bit. Despite having been divorced, marriage is a desirable thing to me. I would like to have someone who loves and cherishes me, and I want to have someone in my life that I can cherish and shower with love. I long to share spiritual and emotional growth with someone, watch the children grow and mature with a companion at my side. I want to go on walks, hand in hand, ponder the universe, discuss the things of eternity, watch people, visit beautiful places and temples, and laugh.

In the meantime, I'm trying to bear it all with patience, and know that when the time is right, God will bring about the right circumstances for it to happen. The loneliness cannot consume me, even though sometimes I think it might, as long as I rely on my relationship with Christ to carry me through. He at least is faithful, constant, kind, and concerned for my eternal welfare.

Dear God

Dear God: You know I have always loved trees, and I can see that you have placed a number of beautiful ones in close proximity to me so that I will be reminded of your love, and I am so thankful! Today, I'd like to thank you for three in particular. For example, my neighbor's tree across the way is so huge, and has the most beautiful structure I have ever seen. When I see it, I think about how strong you are, and how I can rely on your presence in my life.

Thank you so much for the beautiful tree just a block away that you decorated with so many stunning colors. It gladdens my heart and makes me think of you every time I see it, and reminds me that being able to see is a tremendous blessing. There are so many people who cannot see. Seeing all of those colors on the same tree reminds me, too, that there is a place for everyone in your kingdom, and that every person of every "color" belongs to you.

And that lovely gold tree on Shaw Avenue is a joy to my eyes. When I'm driving home from dropping the kids off at school in the mornings, it's almost always lit from behind and it looks like angels are aiming a spotlight at it. It's so tall it makes me look WAY up to see the top. It reminds me that you are the source of everything good in my life. You are amazing!

Leadership Class

A little over a year ago, I decided to take the Leadership Class offered by the Clovis Chamber of Commerce. I thought my skills needed some refining and I have felt a desire to become more active in the community. The class, though small, was excellent. We read and discussed two books: Principle Centered Leadership and the 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, both authored by Stephen Covey. At most classes, we either had a field trip or a guest speaker. The speakers were excellent...they discussed their role in the community and what moved them to become leaders. The field trips were also eye-opening...we saw many local businesses, city officials, and places of interest in our community. We had the chance to see leadership in action, and ask questions of people who were very successful in their areas of expertise.

After this classroom experience, each class takes on a project that they agree on and then the challenge is to carry it out, applying the leadership principles that were learned during the previous year. Seeing what some of the classes have tackled has been inspiring. Our class was motivated to look at ways that we could help the Clovis community have more leadership, and decided to work for the year on increasing enrollment in the Leadership Clovis program and setting in place a leadership group that would support the program and the community by fostering leadership.

Ed Flores, our facilitator for the program, was a great teacher. He was very dedicated and ambitious about what could be accomplished by a few determined people. The program is two years long, and my class and I have about 8 more months to work on our project.

Having been involved in this class has made me realize what a gift it is to make connections with people. It has helped me appreciate civic leaders and look at my community beyond my own family and my own business. It has inspired me to be more involved and vocal about what happens here. It has helped me realize that my talents or gifts can be useful in a variety of areas. I've also been re-evaluating how I spend my time and weighing the options for civic involvement more carefully.

Two areas I discovered I have a great interest in is City Planning and Business Development. For some reason, I never really thought much about it before, but since we met with the city of Clovis leadership, and later with the city of Hanford's leaders, I have found that these are almost irresistible subjects for me. If I had all the time in the world, I would love to study the processes in more depth. It's such a fascinating area!

I'm grateful for the opportunities I have been given to develop relationships with people, as well as my own skills. I'm also thankful for the growing understanding I have of how we are all connected. It seems like every day, the Lord helps me comprehend better that our purpose for being here on this earth is not to live solitary lives, but to connect, understand and appreciate others.

Is that Annie Oakley?

My mom recently posted this photo of my grandmother on facebook. I was so surprised when I saw it. I thought I knew everything there was to know about my grandmother. Needless to say, her life still holds a few surprises.

My grandparents moved to Twentynine Palms about 1942, and lived for a time in the Joshua Tree National Monument (now the Joshua Tree National Park). The home they lived in initially had no roof, and I grew up on stories about wild horses peeking over the walls and stealing food from the windowsills. My mother and her siblings sleeping on cots outdoors (because it was cooler than in the house), and awakening to discover coyotes sniffing them. Great stories that made my imagination run wild!

I knew life was tough for them. They lost everything in a fire on their way to Twentynine Palms. They were already blessed with many children by that point, and apparently to get by, my grandparents would shoot rabbits to help feed the family. Look at that monster! It's huge! And I never even knew or suspected that my grandmother could handle a gun...she was about four foot eleven inches tall first thing in the morning. She was kind hearted, practical, and had a great sense of humor. Apparently she was also a great shot!

This summer, I picked up a gun for the first time and after receiving some gun safety tips, had my first attempts at firing the gun. I had to overcome some fear at first. My 13 year old cousin Stephen was accidentally shot through the head by his best friend when I was about 15, so I've always been a little terrified of guns. Yet when I picked it up and fired, I discovered I was calm, cool, and collected, and a pretty darn good shot myself. Maybe in addition to inheriting my grandmother's voice, I also inherited her shooting ability! Still, you won't find me out shooting rabbits anytime soon.

One thing I love to do!

One of the organizations I spend time helping for free is the Home Instead Senior Care Foundation. From the website: "This private foundation funds non-profit organizations that specialize in programs and services for seniors. Areas of interest for funding grants include the following: age-related research and development; scholarships; advocacy for the health and well-being of older adults; and programs that promote community inclusion for seniors, especially those facing the problem of isolation."

I've been on the board continuously since the inception of the Home Instead Senior Care Foundation back in 2003. Together, we have awarded over $890,000 in the seven years that we have been making grants, benefitting more than 80 different organizations across the country and into Canada. Not too much longer before we'll hit our $1 million mark! Being a part of this organization has meant so much to me. I became personal friends of the founders when I launched a Home Instead franchise with my partner and my husband back in 1996. I had always been struck by Paul and Lori's integrity and their sincere desire to build an organization that gave back. I was so honored that they invited me to sit on the board, and each time I am asked to renew my seat on the board, I feel immensely blessed.

Soon I'll be deep in reading. Nov 1st was the deadline for the Spring Grant Cycle for the Home Instead Senior Care Foundation. For each cycle, we have two stages...Letters of Inquiry, and Proposals. Letters of inquiry are shorter, but there are more of them. When we invite an organization to submit a proposal, the documents are much lengthier and more in-depth, though there are fewer of them. I don't always enjoy the reading. It can be tedious, especially when there are more than 100 different letters of inquiry submitted in a cycle. But more often than not, I really love seeing how organizations in different communities solve the problems of and offer support to seniors in their community. I almost always wish that we had more money to give away.

Some parts of the evaluation process are checks on a list....yes, they answered all the required questions. Yes, they are a 501(c)(3). Yes, they have letters of reference. Much of the evaluation takes place on a gut level, however...how does this grant request strike me? Does the organization seem sincere in its mission? What do the letters of reference really say...are they all the same, or does each one have real meaning? Does the request tug at my emotions? How many people are they helping? What does it cost per person helped? What is the impact on the lives of the individuals they serve?

Frequently, weighing one organization against another is excruciating. Do we feed seniors, or help fix their houses? Do we provide respite care, or provide counseling services for seniors who are victims of abuse? These are not easy decisions.

I am always touched when I see how many different ways people give back to their communities. I am impressed with the resourcefulness and resilience of the different non-profits. They continue to raise funds, help everyone they can, fight for every opportunity to bless the lives of their clients. It really renews my faith in the human spirit and in the generosity of people toward one another.

Every time I decide which ones I will support through the process, I pray about it. I take the charge to bless these organizations and to be wise with the funds very seriously. It is a true blessing to me to know that I have indirectly been able to impact the lives of so many seniors. The needs we have assisted with have been everything from respite care for exhausted family members, to meals for seniors delivered with a smile, to research on fall prevention, to assistive devices for seniors who have recently lost their vision. I'm so privileged and grateful that I have the opportunity to help them, and be a part of an organization with so many fine people on the board.

If you're someone involved with caring for a senior, or a professional working with seniors, you might consider purchasing one of the books, Stages of Senior Care. The money benefits the Home Instead Senior Care foundation, and it's filled with excellent material.

Here's the link for their website: http://homeinsteadseniorcarefoundation.org
(I'm afraid you'll have to cut and paste since I can't seem to get the link working. Sorry!)

Budget Tips

About five years ago, I began to realize what a dangerous thing an ATM card is. It was so easy to spend, and hard to track expenses. I would get to the end of the month and go to transfer money into my savings and discover I didn't have any to transfer. I couldn't believe it! Something was happening to my money! I began to add up all the ATM expenses and try to categorize them. I was SHOCKED at how much money I was spending, and how little accountability I had as I did so.

Knowing that life was changing dramatically due to divorce, drastically reduced income, and the loss of a business I had spent years building up, I decided life needed to change. I put my ATM card into the safe and set up a budget. I established a savings account linked to my checking account. I set up my bills to be paid automatically, and I set up automatic transfers into three separate savings accounts. Tithing and Savings came first, bills second. Each month I would take my check, keep part in cash and put the rest in the bank. The cash portion I divided up in a small portfolio...food, gas, clothing, eating out, entertainment, household expenses, etc. I was determined I wouldn't spend more than I had set aside.

It took me a few months to figure out what amounts were reasonable. Then, odd things began happening. I started to realize that I would go to Target and put things in my basket without too much thought. I would get to the counter and realize...wait, this book I want to purchase exceeds the $20 I set aside for books each month...do I take the extra from food? Or from household expenses? Or maybe I don't even need this book? And these cookies that were on sale...if I buy them, then next week, I'll be $6short on my food budget...can I live with that? If I buy this shirt Laine wants now, I won't be able to buy the shoes that Joe needs next week.

When the kids would beg me to go out to eat at the Plaza, I would look in our portfolio and realize I had $35 left in that budget category, and three weeks to go in the month. I would tell them what we had left and let them decide what to do. Most of the time,they would say, let's go home and eat, or get tacos from Del Taco.

In other words, spending money became not habit, but carefully considered decisions, not just for me, but for the whole family. I DRAMATICALLY increased my savings and reduced my spending by almost half. And more often than not, I get to the end of the month now and realize I have cash left over, which I then save for a rainy day. And given that my income from the sale of the business runs out next year, and I'll be starting back at college in January, and I'm launching a new business, I suspect we'll be having a few of those rainy days in the not too distant future.

I keep the ATM card in my wallet now. I pay for gas with it, and that's pretty much it. I'm grateful that even though it's been hard, I know I'm doing the right thing. I've paid off my credit card debt. All I have left are the house payments. I'm even working on those! I will pay off my house 11 years early at this rate. Of course, I know that rate of repayment will likely be drastically reduced while I'm in school, but I can live with that.

Cherish

I've seen it a hundred times, maybe even more. The way a husband, wrinkled and worn from the cares of this world, holds tight to the hand of his wife as he looks with concern toward her. The caress of a wife as her husband of 48 years lies bedridden in hospital. The unspoken words that pass in a multitude of ways between a couple devoted to one another.

My own grandparents were an explosive couple. (Aren't they cute in this photo?) French Canadian and hot tempered, words flew between them like mad hornets. Yet I remember them speaking sweet words of love in French to one another as well, and singing love songs in both languages. They never went anywhere in public when they weren't holding hands. And while the words were often filling up the spaces of their life, plenty was said in the moments when no words were spoken at all.

What I love about these older couples is the sense that they not only love one another, but that they cherish one another. From my perspective, while our society is in love with being in love, we have forgotten what it is to cherish. That is what touches me so much about the moments I witness, at church, in hospitals, at restaurants, in senior villages...anywhere, really. The sense of accepting and loving a person as they have been, as they are right now, and as they will be tomorrow.

It's not just couples that should cherish one another. Brothers, sisters, friends...there are so many people in our lives that we have been blessed with. Time on this earth is short. And what we have of our time should be invested in truly discovering one another, letting ourselves be discovered, and learning to treasure our differences, our similarities, our connectedness.

For some of us, myself included, putting ourselves out there feels almost too risky, particularly after we've been hurt. However, relationships and people are worth it. The way that some people love is different from the way that we ourselves love. I try to remember in my own life that none of us "deserves" love...love is a gift! It is a gift that should be cherished.

Being Grateful

I've started trying to put one or more posts up each day on facebook about things I am grateful for. I find it easy to find things to be grateful for but sometimes I find myself being repetitive in my prayers about the core things that make me thank God, and I'm trying to branch out and see his hand more effectively in all that I do.

This week, I misplaced an important file. I normally keep this file in a safe because it has so many critical things in it. But I took it out to put some items in, and got distracted while doing so. When I went to put it back, the other items in the safe got jumbled, and I knew it would take some time to put it all back together so that the file would fit. I didn't want to leave the file on the table because I'm paranoid about losing it. I brilliantly thought of a place that the thieves would never think of looking, and then went to pick up the kids.

It was one of those days where I was running back and forth between schools, activities, events, and getting my daughter ready for camp. I forgot about the file, and didn't think of it again until I went to the safe to retrieve something and realized my file wasn't there. I scoured the house from top to bottom and couldn't locate it. I thought of who might have moved it. I even dug through the trash (and found my pampered chef knife in amongst the pumpkin mess! Thank you Father for knowing that I would have lost my mind without it!) and the recycling bins. I queried the children. I even wondered if someone had managed to steal it after all. I had prayed many times, including prayers that I might regain my former "brilliance" and remember where I had put it. Finally, instead of just praying, I listened. I had the feeling to go look in the kitchen. I began looking inside of things, under things, behind things. I gave up once, but then felt that I needed to keep looking in the kitchen. At long last, I found where I had put it!

I loudly and with great heartfelt gratitude gave God all the credit for locating the file. It's clear that I've lost way too many brain cells over the years (maybe I gave them all to my smart children!). The only way I found it is by finally having the faith and humility to rely on God to guide me instead of my aging and tired brain. When we rely on God to guide us, the results are always better than if we try to rely on our own faculties.

I'm so grateful for my boys who helped me search for the file. I'm grateful that in the process of looking, Heavenly Father spared me from losing a kitchen tool I use every day. I'm so thankful for prayer. I appreciate being taught humility and faith, even though I have to keep learning those lessons over and over. I'm grateful that I found the file! I'm also thankful that in the process of looking for the file that a little cleaning got done.

See what one little incident can do for gratitude?