Saturday I woke the kids bright and early so that we could go to Woodward Park and work with the "Mormon Helping Hands" group to beautify and tidy up the park. The kids were excited to be doing a service project. I dropped them off with my friend Keith and then headed out to take Kelly to City College where she had a speech competition for Chinese students. I dropped her off for registration and then went back to the park, where I was able to work for an hour with Keith, the kids, my friend David Sears, and several members of other wards at the Parkview Shelter parking lot.
After that hour, I had to go home to change into appropriate clothing for the wedding reception later that morning, and go watch Kelly's presentation in Chinese. I was really proud of her! She went first and was really nervous, but I thought she did an amazing job.
After that, I went to the wedding reception for my friends Scott and Michelle. It was a lot of fun and featured GREAT Indian food. It's so uplifting to me to see people in love and full of hope for the future. It gives me hope that someday I may get another chance to share my life and eternity with someone who loves me. It also simultaneously depresses me a bit, because I long for it so much and feel like I may never get another chance. (I have had many heart-to-heart talks with my Father in Heaven about this matter. He knows I believe I am ready, after nearly seven years alone. The timing is up to him, but I am determined to do what I can to prepare.) The reception was beautiful. Michelle looked fantastic, and she and her husband were blissfully happy. I love the story of how they met.When Michelle came to our ward, I felt like I had known her forever...she is a wonderful lady. Kelly met me there later to deliver her hugs and personal congratulations, and we went home.
Can you believe we actually ran out of gas a few blocks from home? That's what I get for postponing the pain at the pump a bit too long. I thought I would have enough gas to drop Kelly at home then hit the gas station, but it didn't work out that way. That's why I pay the big bucks to CSAA every year...so they can send me cute tow truck drivers to rescue me from my own stupidity. (smile)
In the afternoon, several of us took naps, and we worked on various projects including tidying up a bit around the house. Toward evening, I was still feeling blue, so I talked to a friend and invited him to go to a movie at the $3 theater, then out for dessert afterward. It was just what I needed...entering the alternate reality of the movie theater!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Oof!
Friday was a tense day following a tense week. I was fighting the insurance company to make them cover Joe's medication, and I had just finished a preliminary report for my research project. We were all exhausted. After school all of us just felt like doing nothing. We ordered pizza and I took Kelly to the special needs dance for our stake. She said it was the best dance she had ever been to because it was small and it was easier to talk and socialize, plus she said the special needs kids were awesome. I forced myself to stay awake until I got her and her friend Alex home from the dance, then found myself immobilized with exhaustion and a depressed feeling. I went to my room about 10:30 to watch movie on netflix while the kids played in the living room, but it wouldn't work, and I ended up dozing off. Around 11, Johnny woke me for family prayer and scripture study (I just love that Johnny ALWAYS remembers the important things!). After getting the kids off to bed, I collapsed back in bed. Glad to be done with that week!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
For a Small Moment
Some moments just stick in your mind. I don't know why this has been on my mind lately, but it has.
All of my children, because they were big babies (9lbs 1 oz, 9 lbs 13 oz, 9lbs, and 9lbs 1 oz) all had to have their blood sugar monitored in the 12 hours after they were born, which meant frequent skin pricks. They screamed through these painful things of course. The mama tiger in me wanted to knock the nurses out flat and safeguard my babies in my arms. I realized, though, that these tests were for their own good, and managed to keep my claws sheathed.
Each time the children would have shots, I would have the same reaction. I hated to see them scream in pain. How does a mom get through that? By clenching her teeth, saying sweet words of comfort to her children, and reminding herself that the shots would protect them from diseases worse than a little needle prick now.
When Joe received his head injury, he was only four. When I walked in and saw him with his neck in a brace, his head wrapped up in bandages, and the paramedics about to put him on a backboard, and they were saying things like "concussion" and "trauma center" out loud, I wanted to level the room, make time go backward, do anything - possible or impossible - to protect him and make him whole again. Instead, I let him be put on the board and the stretcher, endured his screams as they put in an IV in the ambulance, and comforted him until he fell asleep for the stitches. I watched them clean that wound, irrigate it, move his skin around this way and that so that I could actually see his skull, all the time wishing I could undo what had happened and make the pain go away.
Sometimes the pain is acute in other ways. Hearing that your children are being called names, seeing them struggle with loneliness, betrayal, pain, shortcomings...at times I wish I could take all those things on me so that they don't have to suffer. Yet I also know that these experiences, so immense to them now, are small compared to some of the things they will have to face in life, and so I let them learn to cope, learn to filter out the things that don't matter and hold on to what really does. I encourage them as they work on the areas they need to improve on. But they have to do these things on their own sometimes, and I have to let them. I tell them that I know they can do it. I show my love for them in as many different ways as I can, and then tell them to get down to business. They aren't always happy about my "get to work" attitude. At times, they feel I have abandoned them, and they lash out at me. They think I'm lazy, or a bad mother. It's difficult to explain to them when they are still so young that their perspective will change as they get older, that the skills I'm trying to help them learn will benefit them later in life. My teenage daughter in particular is quick to point out my perceived and real failures as a mother.
These are small, personal examples, yet I know our Heavenly Father must look at some of the things that we go through in the same way, with more wisdom and understanding than we now possess. While we can see and feel only our present pain, he sees the growth that will come because of it, the immunity it will give us to some of life's smaller hurts, the strength it will give us to face the future trials we will have, and the connections and relationships that will develop because of the purifying influence of our trials. Does it break his heart to see our pain? I think it does. Are there times he wishes he could take away the sorrow and the distress? Yes, I know there are! And when we lash out at him because everything feels too intense and unfair, does he understand? I believe he does.
God doesn't measure time in the same way we do, does he? What are hours, weeks, months, years, decades to God? They are but a small moment. As eternal beings, we once knew this, but living on this earth without that memory, time here feels incredibly slow, and the things we must endure seem to be interminable. When we pass on, we will know again how brief, how incredibly brief, this life on earth has been in the grand scheme of things. I think the older I get, the closer I come to seeing time in the same way God does, because it feels like time passes more and more quickly each passing day.
When we say that God cannot be real because of the suffering he allows us to experience, I have come to realize that this is our flawed human understanding at work. God does not cause the pain...the things that happen (or don't happen) in this world come about because of the natural laws that govern this world, through other people's free agency, and through our own good and bad choices. But God, who amazes me with his smallest, almost unseen expressions of love, can take even the worst things that happen and with our cooperation, use them to our benefit and HIS glory. Everything works to his purpose. He who made the world has a plan for us that includes our fight against adversity, pain and despair, and allows us to emerge after this life (butterfly-like), strong, pure, and full of faith.
I have so many people I know who are struggling right now, and I hope if you've taken time to read this, you will know that you are on my mind and in my prayers. Remember that all of THIS is truly just a small moment. Keep on going until the next minute, til the next breath. Keep believing that he is there and will help you bear it. Look for the evidences of his love...and remember...I know you can do it. I believe in you. I love you!
All of my children, because they were big babies (9lbs 1 oz, 9 lbs 13 oz, 9lbs, and 9lbs 1 oz) all had to have their blood sugar monitored in the 12 hours after they were born, which meant frequent skin pricks. They screamed through these painful things of course. The mama tiger in me wanted to knock the nurses out flat and safeguard my babies in my arms. I realized, though, that these tests were for their own good, and managed to keep my claws sheathed.
Each time the children would have shots, I would have the same reaction. I hated to see them scream in pain. How does a mom get through that? By clenching her teeth, saying sweet words of comfort to her children, and reminding herself that the shots would protect them from diseases worse than a little needle prick now.
When Joe received his head injury, he was only four. When I walked in and saw him with his neck in a brace, his head wrapped up in bandages, and the paramedics about to put him on a backboard, and they were saying things like "concussion" and "trauma center" out loud, I wanted to level the room, make time go backward, do anything - possible or impossible - to protect him and make him whole again. Instead, I let him be put on the board and the stretcher, endured his screams as they put in an IV in the ambulance, and comforted him until he fell asleep for the stitches. I watched them clean that wound, irrigate it, move his skin around this way and that so that I could actually see his skull, all the time wishing I could undo what had happened and make the pain go away.
Sometimes the pain is acute in other ways. Hearing that your children are being called names, seeing them struggle with loneliness, betrayal, pain, shortcomings...at times I wish I could take all those things on me so that they don't have to suffer. Yet I also know that these experiences, so immense to them now, are small compared to some of the things they will have to face in life, and so I let them learn to cope, learn to filter out the things that don't matter and hold on to what really does. I encourage them as they work on the areas they need to improve on. But they have to do these things on their own sometimes, and I have to let them. I tell them that I know they can do it. I show my love for them in as many different ways as I can, and then tell them to get down to business. They aren't always happy about my "get to work" attitude. At times, they feel I have abandoned them, and they lash out at me. They think I'm lazy, or a bad mother. It's difficult to explain to them when they are still so young that their perspective will change as they get older, that the skills I'm trying to help them learn will benefit them later in life. My teenage daughter in particular is quick to point out my perceived and real failures as a mother.
These are small, personal examples, yet I know our Heavenly Father must look at some of the things that we go through in the same way, with more wisdom and understanding than we now possess. While we can see and feel only our present pain, he sees the growth that will come because of it, the immunity it will give us to some of life's smaller hurts, the strength it will give us to face the future trials we will have, and the connections and relationships that will develop because of the purifying influence of our trials. Does it break his heart to see our pain? I think it does. Are there times he wishes he could take away the sorrow and the distress? Yes, I know there are! And when we lash out at him because everything feels too intense and unfair, does he understand? I believe he does.
God doesn't measure time in the same way we do, does he? What are hours, weeks, months, years, decades to God? They are but a small moment. As eternal beings, we once knew this, but living on this earth without that memory, time here feels incredibly slow, and the things we must endure seem to be interminable. When we pass on, we will know again how brief, how incredibly brief, this life on earth has been in the grand scheme of things. I think the older I get, the closer I come to seeing time in the same way God does, because it feels like time passes more and more quickly each passing day.
When we say that God cannot be real because of the suffering he allows us to experience, I have come to realize that this is our flawed human understanding at work. God does not cause the pain...the things that happen (or don't happen) in this world come about because of the natural laws that govern this world, through other people's free agency, and through our own good and bad choices. But God, who amazes me with his smallest, almost unseen expressions of love, can take even the worst things that happen and with our cooperation, use them to our benefit and HIS glory. Everything works to his purpose. He who made the world has a plan for us that includes our fight against adversity, pain and despair, and allows us to emerge after this life (butterfly-like), strong, pure, and full of faith.
I have so many people I know who are struggling right now, and I hope if you've taken time to read this, you will know that you are on my mind and in my prayers. Remember that all of THIS is truly just a small moment. Keep on going until the next minute, til the next breath. Keep believing that he is there and will help you bear it. Look for the evidences of his love...and remember...I know you can do it. I believe in you. I love you!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Phew!
I'm so grateful that I had the chance to clean the temple yesterday. It added peace to an otherwise kind of hectic day. It was a day full of odds and ends and it was the type of day that had me feeling like I was on a treadmill...running and running but not making much progress. Still, I was able to check a few things off of my list, including buying wood for my little "chick" pen I'm making for our new baby chicks.
I had a very unrestful night’s sleep. The kids were all riled up and even though they were in bed by ten, they didn't go to sleep until 11. I went to bed last night feeling green around the edges and this morning, I felt green in my tummy. I wasn't the only one. Laine also felt queasy this morning. Ugh. I hate feeling nauseated. I also had nightmares...they kept me tense and anxious all night.
When I start to feel grumpy about all there is to do, I remind myself how blessed I am. And I am truly blessed! I have only two more full weeks of the semester before finals, then summer classes start three weeks after that. Tonight I get to register for my fall classes. That's all for now, folks! I'll try to check in later this week.
I had a very unrestful night’s sleep. The kids were all riled up and even though they were in bed by ten, they didn't go to sleep until 11. I went to bed last night feeling green around the edges and this morning, I felt green in my tummy. I wasn't the only one. Laine also felt queasy this morning. Ugh. I hate feeling nauseated. I also had nightmares...they kept me tense and anxious all night.
I went to bed a bit early last night, not only because I wasn’t feeling well, but also because I found out yesterday that I had homework to finish by class time today, so I knew I would need to wake up a bit earlier than usual. I also finished up my research project, or at least the data gathering stage. I after collecting data last week, I still needed four senior men who lived inside of a retirement community to participate and I did not find volunteers yesterday. Today I sat and visited with four very charming senior gentlemen who talked my ears off and volunteered to help me with my survey. Do you think I should be concerned that a 93 year old man invited me up to his apartment and gave me his phone number? LOL I realized as I sat and visited with them today that I REALLY miss working with older adults. I love hearing them talk about their stories of their lives and I enjoy their sense of humor. Nearly everyone I interviewed was 80 or older, so it was tons of fun for me!
This is what our day looked like today (though our schedule on Tuesdays tend to vary from time to time): 5:30 – woke Kelly, worked on homework. 6:40 took Kelly to seminary, made lunches, woke the other children, made breakfast. 7:30 picked up Kelly from seminary, took her Hoover, took Joe to Tenaya, dropped Laine and Johnny off at Gibson to catch the bus. At 8:05 - headed to Clovis to talk with the first of my volunteers. 9:30, Geology class at Fresno State – turned in exam. 10:45 - Headed back to Clovis to finish talking with volunteers. Noon: Psych Research Class at Fresno State. 2:00 – Drove to Joe's school and studied while I waited for him to get out. 2:45 - picked up Kelly and drove home. Tidied up a bit. 3:20, picked up Johnny from school and studied while we waited for Laine to get out of class at 3:45. 4:00 – Made dinner and orchestrated the kids' homework as well as my own. 6:00 Abnormal psychology class at Fresno State. After class, there's family prayer and scripture study getting the kids ready for bed and then personal prayer and scripture study, as well as work on homework/emails till bedtime.
When I start to feel grumpy about all there is to do, I remind myself how blessed I am. And I am truly blessed! I have only two more full weeks of the semester before finals, then summer classes start three weeks after that. Tonight I get to register for my fall classes. That's all for now, folks! I'll try to check in later this week.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Easter
We had such a great Easter...The Easter bunny brought tons of chocolate and other goodies in a nice big flower pot for mom. When the kids arrived late from their dad's Sunday morning, we were pushing it to get out the door on time for choir practice before church. We were five minutes late, but not too shabby considering how hard it is to get four kids cleaned up and out the door in 30 minutes. We had a wonderful musical program for Easter, filled with very touching musical numbers and the amazing voice of Bro. McCauley (who many children were convinced was speaking for God), and the sweet, touching testimony of Bro. Schoffield.
After church, the kids and I finished our preparations for our Easter dinner. We invited our friends April and her daughter Verena, Jerry, Keith, and Bro. King. Keith has been our friend for 14 years, and we found out he didn't have any place to go for Easter. Bro. King is new to our ward and we are just getting to know him. He didn't have any plans either, so we invited him at church on Sunday. Jerry is a beloved past primary Sunday school teacher of Johnny's and we were so glad to have her! And April's little daughter Verena added the fun factor to our Easter...the kids took turns hiding plastic eggs for her to find, and she did very well and seemed to have a lot of fun.
After dinner, we cuddled up and watched Doctor Who, which is a family favorite, then after scripture study and prayer, we all went off to bed.
I'm so grateful for Easter. It's my favorite holiday. I remember as a child growing up in the Catholic church, we would have "passion plays" every Easter week, telling the story of Jesus' last few days on the earth. I used to stand there, either as a participant in the play or as an observer, crying and wishing Jesus didn't have to die. My understanding then was so limited. Now I understand more what a gift he gave us, and that dying was only a tiny part of all that he did for us. The garden of Gethsemane, the resurrection, and Christ's loving example to each of us are essential, too...as is our own willing and repentant heart if we would partake in the gift he has offered. What all of this has brought us is hope...hope that we can repent of our sins, hope that Christ's sacrifice can sanctify us and make us fit for life with our Father in Heaven, hope that our loved ones who have died before us have only temporarily left their physical bodies and will be resurrected. Most of all...hope that the pain, suffering and sorrow that we suffer in this life has meaning beyond our earthly understanding.
I pray that each of you had a blessed Easter, and that the immense love that our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ have for us has touched your life.
After church, the kids and I finished our preparations for our Easter dinner. We invited our friends April and her daughter Verena, Jerry, Keith, and Bro. King. Keith has been our friend for 14 years, and we found out he didn't have any place to go for Easter. Bro. King is new to our ward and we are just getting to know him. He didn't have any plans either, so we invited him at church on Sunday. Jerry is a beloved past primary Sunday school teacher of Johnny's and we were so glad to have her! And April's little daughter Verena added the fun factor to our Easter...the kids took turns hiding plastic eggs for her to find, and she did very well and seemed to have a lot of fun.
After dinner, we cuddled up and watched Doctor Who, which is a family favorite, then after scripture study and prayer, we all went off to bed.
I'm so grateful for Easter. It's my favorite holiday. I remember as a child growing up in the Catholic church, we would have "passion plays" every Easter week, telling the story of Jesus' last few days on the earth. I used to stand there, either as a participant in the play or as an observer, crying and wishing Jesus didn't have to die. My understanding then was so limited. Now I understand more what a gift he gave us, and that dying was only a tiny part of all that he did for us. The garden of Gethsemane, the resurrection, and Christ's loving example to each of us are essential, too...as is our own willing and repentant heart if we would partake in the gift he has offered. What all of this has brought us is hope...hope that we can repent of our sins, hope that Christ's sacrifice can sanctify us and make us fit for life with our Father in Heaven, hope that our loved ones who have died before us have only temporarily left their physical bodies and will be resurrected. Most of all...hope that the pain, suffering and sorrow that we suffer in this life has meaning beyond our earthly understanding.
I pray that each of you had a blessed Easter, and that the immense love that our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ have for us has touched your life.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Haircuts
This will come as no surprise to anyone who has looked closely at my boys' hair. I cut it myself. Ever since they were little, I've cut their hair. I use a wahl hair cutting kit and a pair of scissors. I have had NO training on how to cut hair. I've never even watched a video. I just do it. It saves me about $120 a year to cut it myself, which isn't a lot, but pays for almost half our groceries for a month.
I started doing it when Patrick brought Joe home from the barber shop nearly shaved. I almost died. I liked him with a cute little boy haircut. Now he looked like somebody else's boy. I vowed never to let Patrick take him to get a haircut again! (Looking back, Joe actually looked pretty cute, and what the heck? Hair grows back!)
Joe's hair is easier to cut than Johnny's and usually turns out looking much better. I don't know if it's the texture or the thickness or what that makes the difference. Joe has thicker hair with more body. Johnny's blond hair is fine and just does whatever it wants, and his head is covered with cowlicks, all going different directions. There's quite a bit of "oops" factor built in to cutting hair. Johnny moves suddenly or tilts his head differently, and voila! It looks like he got attacked by a lawn mower.
Ever since they've been old enough that I thought they might care that their hair looked like it was cut by a blind amateur, I've offered to bring them to a "real" stylist, but they keep refusing. They like me to cut it. Go figure.
I started doing it when Patrick brought Joe home from the barber shop nearly shaved. I almost died. I liked him with a cute little boy haircut. Now he looked like somebody else's boy. I vowed never to let Patrick take him to get a haircut again! (Looking back, Joe actually looked pretty cute, and what the heck? Hair grows back!)
Joe's hair is easier to cut than Johnny's and usually turns out looking much better. I don't know if it's the texture or the thickness or what that makes the difference. Joe has thicker hair with more body. Johnny's blond hair is fine and just does whatever it wants, and his head is covered with cowlicks, all going different directions. There's quite a bit of "oops" factor built in to cutting hair. Johnny moves suddenly or tilts his head differently, and voila! It looks like he got attacked by a lawn mower.
Ever since they've been old enough that I thought they might care that their hair looked like it was cut by a blind amateur, I've offered to bring them to a "real" stylist, but they keep refusing. They like me to cut it. Go figure.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Overcoming
Sometimes I get frustrated because I can't eliminate all my sins and weaknesses at once. It seems like it should be easier to be obedient and faithful. How many years will it take to get this right? And yet I still struggle. It's easy to tell my kids or others, don't give up! You just have to keep trying, keep facing the right direction, keep repenting. I tell myself that, too, but at times those words feel hollow when I'm evaluating my progress and I realize how much further I have to go.
Some things are super easy. I never have to struggle about paying my tithing, or not consuming drugs or alcohol; I love attending church and serving there. There are a few commandments I keep perfectly. Yet the scriptures say that there are so many different ways to sin that we cannot even comprehend them. I find that to be a discouraging thought. I can't even perfectly master all the ways I KNOW about.
Yesterday, I was praying and pondering about this. Quite frankly, it scares me at times how easy it would be to just give up, assume I am lost and give up the fight. Then I ran across this verse:
Some things are super easy. I never have to struggle about paying my tithing, or not consuming drugs or alcohol; I love attending church and serving there. There are a few commandments I keep perfectly. Yet the scriptures say that there are so many different ways to sin that we cannot even comprehend them. I find that to be a discouraging thought. I can't even perfectly master all the ways I KNOW about.
Yesterday, I was praying and pondering about this. Quite frankly, it scares me at times how easy it would be to just give up, assume I am lost and give up the fight. Then I ran across this verse:
"He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment;
and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life,
but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels."
- Revelation 3: 5
When I heard this, I knew immediately that it was a tender mercy of the Lord, one of the many ways He keeps trying to encourage me. It was an evidence of His love. My mind and heart were filled with light as the one word "overcometh" bounced around in my head. "Overcometh" implies a battle, a struggle, an ongoing effort. I know my Father in Heaven loves me and wants me with Him. As imperfect as I am, there is hope for me as long as I remember that the atonement of my savior is infinite.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Mother Figure
It's curious that when I decided to return to college, I gave extensive thought to how I would feel being among the oldest in the classes I would be taking, but little thought to how others would view me there or what benefits I might have as a result of being an "adult" student.
I find the students are hesitant to express their opinions or even to speak the correct answers out when asked. I'm trying to remember if I felt that way when I was their age, but to be honest, I've never had the same trepidation in classroom settings that I do in other public situations. I jump in and offer my opinion, and even when I hold back on answering questions, I find that if I don't speak, sometimes no one will, and the poor professor is left standing there wondering where all the students are. In group discussions, the members of my group will invariably select me as their leader/speaker because they say I'm more articulate. Sometimes it seems that if I don't start the conversation in these smaller groups, nothing happens.
So I find myself playing a "mother figure" sometimes...encouraging the students to speak up, teaching them how to connect ideas, etc. I listen to them complain about the instructor's requirements, and find myself wanting to tell them to grow up...the real world doesn't accommodate us. We need to make our own way and accommodate where necessary, and in college, you accommodate the professor in order to accomplish your educational goals. Quitcher whining and get to work!
Overall, I find that although making time for homework, labwork, and the other demands of college is challenging as the working single mother of four, I have certain other advantages. I am comfortable with my beliefs and feelings. I am comfortable being the "odd one" out. I don't mind taking on difficult tasks because I have learned that hard things are possible and even desirable. I know that professors are just people, and though they have the power to affect my grade, any other power they have is purely at my discretion, so I'm not afraid of standing up to them.
Frequently this semester I have found that the students will confide things in me or ask my opinion on things. Sometimes I wish I could tell them that all this angst they are having now will change over time as they figure out their place in the world. The world is the classroom that matters...what happens at college is a minuscule slice of the growth that will occur as they experience all that life brings us.
I find the students are hesitant to express their opinions or even to speak the correct answers out when asked. I'm trying to remember if I felt that way when I was their age, but to be honest, I've never had the same trepidation in classroom settings that I do in other public situations. I jump in and offer my opinion, and even when I hold back on answering questions, I find that if I don't speak, sometimes no one will, and the poor professor is left standing there wondering where all the students are. In group discussions, the members of my group will invariably select me as their leader/speaker because they say I'm more articulate. Sometimes it seems that if I don't start the conversation in these smaller groups, nothing happens.
So I find myself playing a "mother figure" sometimes...encouraging the students to speak up, teaching them how to connect ideas, etc. I listen to them complain about the instructor's requirements, and find myself wanting to tell them to grow up...the real world doesn't accommodate us. We need to make our own way and accommodate where necessary, and in college, you accommodate the professor in order to accomplish your educational goals. Quitcher whining and get to work!
Overall, I find that although making time for homework, labwork, and the other demands of college is challenging as the working single mother of four, I have certain other advantages. I am comfortable with my beliefs and feelings. I am comfortable being the "odd one" out. I don't mind taking on difficult tasks because I have learned that hard things are possible and even desirable. I know that professors are just people, and though they have the power to affect my grade, any other power they have is purely at my discretion, so I'm not afraid of standing up to them.
Frequently this semester I have found that the students will confide things in me or ask my opinion on things. Sometimes I wish I could tell them that all this angst they are having now will change over time as they figure out their place in the world. The world is the classroom that matters...what happens at college is a minuscule slice of the growth that will occur as they experience all that life brings us.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Not an Accident
This actually happened a few weeks ago, but I'm just now getting around to publishing it.
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Today, I began my day determined to accomplish so much. I am attending CSUF full time right now, managing the household, trying to work, and maintain/repair my home. This week, with all of my assignments, the house was really trashed out. I have a ton of homework, and my own bedroom needs to be put to rights. We tidied up the house, and as I went outside to begin working in the yard, I was just overwhelmed after an hour of not making much progress at all with what needed to be accomplished in one tiny little part of my yard, not to mention the rest of the yard, the house, the garden I need to plant, the notes I haven’t sent yet, the people who need to be visited, worrying over money…the list goes on and on. As the kids began to complain about how tired they were, and how so-and-so was not doing what they should, etc, I struggled to keep my composure. The world is winning, and I am losing.
Or so I thought.
I came in the house to find out that a dinner appointment we had today was cancelled, and sat on my bed feeling beat up. I knelt to pray and tell Heavenly Father how I felt. After I was done, I looked across at a bookshelf that I’ve been meaning to clean for a while, and decided to sit on the floor and organize the bottom shelf. When I was nearly done with the shelf, I came across a note of encouragement written to me many years ago. The note originally came when I was trying to figure out many things at once...how to be a mom (I had three young children plus Erin), how to run multiple businesses, how to be a good wife, and how to be a better daughter of God. A friend had noted my discouragement at church and pulled me aside to talk to me. (I think angels intervened and sent him my way.) A few weeks later, a note arrived that touched my heart, together with a poem written by my friend that I have treasured ever since. This note touched my heart again today. One verse from his poem in particular pierced my soul:
He’s there to ease your fears,
And help you through this test,
Just carry what you can,
And He will do the rest.
Can I just say that I wept through the whole note? But that verse spoke peace to my heart and helped me feel my Heavenly Father's love. When I finished reading the poem, I thought, how nice that I found this today. A voice came in to my mind. It said, “You didn’t find this note on accident.”
Yes, there were more tears of gratitude.
I can’t tell you what a difference this has made in my heart. All the troubles, work, and burdens haven’t changed, but what a difference it makes to remember that I don’t have to carry them alone.
I wonder when Tom wrote that note ages ago, did he know that the Lord intended that note to be encouragement not just for that time, but this time as well? How grateful I am that he thought to take time to follow a prompting and send that to me. How much joy it brings me to know that finding it gain was not an accident.
Love to all of you!
----------------------------------
Today, I began my day determined to accomplish so much. I am attending CSUF full time right now, managing the household, trying to work, and maintain/repair my home. This week, with all of my assignments, the house was really trashed out. I have a ton of homework, and my own bedroom needs to be put to rights. We tidied up the house, and as I went outside to begin working in the yard, I was just overwhelmed after an hour of not making much progress at all with what needed to be accomplished in one tiny little part of my yard, not to mention the rest of the yard, the house, the garden I need to plant, the notes I haven’t sent yet, the people who need to be visited, worrying over money…the list goes on and on. As the kids began to complain about how tired they were, and how so-and-so was not doing what they should, etc, I struggled to keep my composure. The world is winning, and I am losing.
Or so I thought.
I came in the house to find out that a dinner appointment we had today was cancelled, and sat on my bed feeling beat up. I knelt to pray and tell Heavenly Father how I felt. After I was done, I looked across at a bookshelf that I’ve been meaning to clean for a while, and decided to sit on the floor and organize the bottom shelf. When I was nearly done with the shelf, I came across a note of encouragement written to me many years ago. The note originally came when I was trying to figure out many things at once...how to be a mom (I had three young children plus Erin), how to run multiple businesses, how to be a good wife, and how to be a better daughter of God. A friend had noted my discouragement at church and pulled me aside to talk to me. (I think angels intervened and sent him my way.) A few weeks later, a note arrived that touched my heart, together with a poem written by my friend that I have treasured ever since. This note touched my heart again today. One verse from his poem in particular pierced my soul:
He’s there to ease your fears,
And help you through this test,
Just carry what you can,
And He will do the rest.
Can I just say that I wept through the whole note? But that verse spoke peace to my heart and helped me feel my Heavenly Father's love. When I finished reading the poem, I thought, how nice that I found this today. A voice came in to my mind. It said, “You didn’t find this note on accident.”
Yes, there were more tears of gratitude.
I can’t tell you what a difference this has made in my heart. All the troubles, work, and burdens haven’t changed, but what a difference it makes to remember that I don’t have to carry them alone.
I wonder when Tom wrote that note ages ago, did he know that the Lord intended that note to be encouragement not just for that time, but this time as well? How grateful I am that he thought to take time to follow a prompting and send that to me. How much joy it brings me to know that finding it gain was not an accident.
Love to all of you!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
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