"I'm going to heaven!"

One of the residents I talk to often at work always starts, punctuates and ends her conversations with me with this statement, "I'm going to heaven!" She passed 100 many years ago, and is looking forward to checking out, settling up, and cashing in her rewards. (Sounds like a hotel stay!)

In the care center, we often get to witness the last days of our residents' lives. We get to hold hands, offer love and encouragement, wipe away tears and tend to the business of both living and dying. Someone I know who is a foster parent talks about what it's like to love someone you know won't be with you tomorrow. That struck a chord with me. That is the privilege we have as we watch over these souls.

All of our residents are old. They will all die soon. What happens between the time they enter our care and the time they leave this life is largely up to us and quality of interactions we have with them. I look at it as a sacred trust. Long before someone begins actively dying I make it my business to know at least some of the things that they love, a few things that make life worth living for them. I make it my mission to know them, to begin to love them. This process is smoother for some residents than others, but fortunately for me, God made it easy for me. While I often have difficulty trusting others, love comes easily to me, and especially for older adults (and children). When people draw close to the end, it makes it easy to step out of my comfort zone to reach out.

I'm so thankful for my job. I'm so grateful that the Lord has given me so many people to learn charity and kindness and patience and pretty much all the Christlike virtues we are supposed to be striving for. He's placed me in the crucible of developing those attributes in my home and work life...it must be urgent for me to learn these things!

September Morn

I'm feeling like I should have titled this post September Mourn with all the deaths that have transpired around me lately. We had so many residents pass away that I was close to at work that it was hard to keep things happy and upbeat at work, especially with Millicent and Sister Wachtler passing away as well. Tis the season to try my faith regarding death and the reality of resurrection and the plan of salvation.

In the midst of all of this, I have been trying to help someone close to me get a handle on her depression. I struggle with depression myself, so I know this is a tough battle. I don't know what the right thing to say or do is most of the time, but I am trying to pray and keep tabs on how I can be of help. I feel useless most of the time, but there's no way I will ever give up trying.

I think I can see now part of the plan with why I received specific insight and guidance to start paying better attention to my health. I needed to witness for myself the importance and benefits of caring for my body. I also needed to learn self-discipline and how to endure well the challenge of making myself do things I don't want to do.

I've kept up the running...three days a week since I started! Except this last Tuesday when I spent the night in the emergency room with someone and had to head to work after one hour of sleep. I decided to change my running plan to an interval plan, at least for the time being, to reduce the risk of injury, increase my endurance, and make it possible for me to run the half marathon I am aiming for in March. I've never been a big fan of getting up early, but recently, I have found my morning run to be a blessing in a lot of ways...the peace, the beauty, the lack of people (sorry, but it's true), the chance to be awake and alone with my own thoughts (at times, painfully so), attuned to my body and the adjustments I need to make. I think this is helping me to develop the spiritual discipline to apply what I'm learning to spiritual matters in which I need to grow. On the days I don't run, I am using an exercise program called Slim in 6 to start my day. I am heading into the second segment of this program, and I'm looking forward to seeing how my body changes.

I think I've been gaining and losing the same few pounds for about a month now, but yesterday I dropped to my lowest weight in ages. We'll see if it stays that way on my weigh in day on Monday. I will need to get up even earlier because my training programs are getting longer, and I'm trying to build in more prayer and study into my morning routine so I take care of the important things before I wake the kids and start my workday.

Vacation News

Last week was my vacation week. I took time off to be with the kids the week before school starts. Monday is the big day!

Sunday night, Erin came over and we left Monday morning to take her back to Sacramento. Or at least, we tried. First, there was the chicken incident. Joe forgot to close the chicken coop door and Erin let her dogs and mine out without realizing the chickens were loose in the yard. My dogs don't usually chase or harm the chickens, but this time, I guess with Erin and Nick's dogs going crazy, they lost their minds too. Two chickens were killed. The other four flew out of our yard and kept showing back up in intervals throughout the day.

Then, Joe told me his guitar for school was broken and asked if we could find a place to fix it. On the way out of town, we stopped and discovered that it would be too expensive to fix, so right then and there, we bought one of their guitars that were on special. (Can you say OUCH?) I bought the protection plan on this one so if anything happens to it for the next two years, it will be covered.

We finally made it on the road, and got so hungry in Modesto that we stopped for lunch at a Subway. While we were standing outside, a homeless man told us he was hungry, so I bought him and his sweetie lunch and listened to his story, which I shared with the kids. If someone asks me for money, I rarely give it to him, but if someone says they're hungry, then I can't turn them down. When we made it to Sacramento, we got to see Erin's new apartment. We went to Panda Express for dinner and then went to the Dessert Diner for - you guessed it - dessert. It was amazing! Unfortunately we couldn't stay overnight because the kids had orientation on Tuesday, and we had to get back for that. The drive back was uneventful.

Tuesday we spent the day buying school supplies and running people back and forth to orientations. We were able to get most of the school shopping done on Tuesday. Joe has AP Biology, AP Statistics, AP Calculus, Advanced Guitar, AP English, and Academic Decathlon. Laine has AP European History, Honors English, Trigonometry, Chemistry, Drama, and German II. Johnny has Spanish II, Literature, Geometry, PE, Physical Science, and Social Studies.

Our plan was to go to the beach on Wednesday and stay until Friday, but then Joe said he couldn't leave town because he had an academic decathlon study session. I spent Wednesday instead doing miscellaneous errands. Thursday we left to go to the beach, and we were able to take Kelly with us.

New Month, New Challenge Group

I started August by joining a "Beach Body" challenge group. I did this mostly for accountability, so I wouldn't quit running now that it has gotten hard. So that I could add to my workout and be confident that others could "feel my pain." So that I would keep eating healthfully, despite all the stresses I feel. So that I could have people who would say, I've been there, I know what that feels like, keep going.

I reached a plateau this month weight-wise. I know it happens, but still - dang it! I keep plugging away, but it's hard when the scale is not moving. However, I am losing inches. My body must look better because people are starting to notice. Running, while still horrible, is getting easier to manage. I'm recovering quicker from my workouts. I'm learning how to self-treat the physical problems I've been having.

The first is that I started having this burning pain between my shoulders while I was running, and also while lying down. So instead of doing the next interval of C25K (run 90 sec, walk 90 sec, run 3 min, walk 3 min; repeat) I made up my own intervals...two minutes of running, two minutes of walking. I paid extra good attention to form. I kept my shoulders loose (jello shoulders), kept my eyes looking forward instead of at my feet, and practiced diaphragmatic breathing, which is hard when you're running. I'm going to do one more day of this tomorrow before switching back to the C25K interval that killed me on Saturday. I had no pain when running, and I found that the breathing decreased my recovery time dramatically. I'm still experiencing some pain when lying down, but I think that will get better over time as I keep my form correct.

Another problem cropped up yesterday, though...my left heel began to hurt later in the day. I researched online and discovered how to treat it...ice, ibuprofen (I really should take out stock in that medicine!), and stretching. Laine coached me through some stretches, and the ice and the pills worked out great. It still hurts a little today, but I'm going to do more stretching, icing, and if necessary, ibuprofen.

Today I put my workouts on my calendar. One more step in my program! Next week school and seminary starts again, so I need to think of ways to help me keep being successful while simultaneously keeping our family on track. One thing I have to do is get up even earlier than I do right now, so that I can get scripture study and prayer in, start a load of laundry, exercise, make food for my kiddos and still get to work on time. My plan is to prepare the week's lunches on Sunday (including my meals/snacks), and to prepare two meals for the week over the weekend. That way, I won't have to cook on mutual night and one other night.

I have asked the Lord to bless my efforts, and I know that he has. I think that he wanted me to pursue this running program and getting physically fit to bless my relationship with Laine, who likes this sort of thing. We talk about running, stretching, doing sit-ups and how to be stronger. I hope it can be a way I can continue to reach her in the midst of her depression. She is really bad off, though the world wouldn't necessarily know it. I'm thinking medication might be necessary. We'll be starting that process soon. If anyone still reads my blog but me, please pray for her.

Still At It!

So discouraging to be working out (twice yesterday) and eating right every day and watch the scale go UP this morning.  I've lost 5.2 pounds this month, though, 1.2 pounds more than my goal. So I went out despite my discouragement. I am undeterred, despite how hard it is to breathe in this smoke filled air.

I made it through my workout. I almost turned around after three minutes of walking because it was so hard to breathe this morning. (Note to self - get that darn albuterol prescription refilled!) I had to take an extra minute to recover during the last two of the six running intervals because I was finding it so hard to breathe, but I persevered. I left a little later than usual, so had to endure all the coffee walkers (you know the type: women in pants that leave nothing to the imagination, power walking with their best bud and a giant cup of coffee in one hand). There were also dog-walkers, bicyclists, and other runners. I don't mind being out with others when I'm walking, but when I'm running, I mind very much. I remember reading over the years that you should still be able to carry on a conversation when you're working out. I can't even grunt out a hello to all the overly cheerful, talkative people on my route. Sometimes I envision shooting all those people who try to talk to me as I'm trying to survive my morning workout. See, I'm still not good enough for the celestial kingdom...still murdering people in my thoughts. (sigh)

Something funny/sweet happened this morning. An older man out walking his dog and I crossed paths twice this morning. The first time, I just waved at him. The second time, as I was trying desperately to breathe and contemplating dropping dead on the side of the road, dripping with sweat, he yelled out as I passed, "Takes a lot of courage!" I almost turned around and gave him a big sweaty hug. I've never been so tempted to hug a stranger!

Yesterday, I survived a real zumba class without making too much of a fool of myself. Yes, I did frequently stand there and try to figure out what the HECK she was doing with her feet and arms. But I did try to keep moving! And I also squeezed some toning exercises into my half hour lunch break yesterday. So grateful to work at a place that is so supportive of physical health!

Feeling It!

I will never do that again!! I went running for my C25K (third workout for this program today - yay, me!!) But when I got back home, I was pressed for time since I go to work early MWF. I showered but didn't have time to eat or drink before work.  I ate a little egg and cheese a few hours later and drank three bottles of water, but  in the middle of the visit from the Fresno Chaffee Zoo, I started to get the vision/balance problems I get prior to a migraine. As soon as I got everyone back to their rooms after the function, I went to my office to take the medicine, but by then it was too late. I was dizzy and nauseated, I couldn't see well, the slightest smells were killing me (imagine having to pass trays of fish to residents feeling like that!), and my head felt like it was being crushed on one side. I gave the medicine an hour to start working, but it didn't. I ended up having to come home early in excruciating pain. I went straight to bed and stayed there all day and night, even sleeping past the time I usually get up (5:30) until 8 am. I did get up around 6:30 to get some food, but then went back to bed.

I've been drinking almost 100 ounces of water each day, but I guess I need more since I'm exercising so much. (Well, sweating so much!) The running is getting easier, just in time for me to start running 90 seconds at a time. I suspect my next few C25K workouts will be VERY hard. On my off days (the days I'm not running), I'm doing Zumba in the mornings, though I plan to switch it out for Slim in 6 when it comes in. I'll be doing Slim in 6 for six weeks, then trade it out for PiYo, a combination pilates and yoga program. I'm keeping up the Zumba though...Laine and I will be doing it in the evenings for fun. :)

I've been feeling so blessed the last few days at work. Many of the residents have been giving me positive feedback, which I needed at this point. One of the gentlemen paid me a very high compliment, and in general, there has been higher attendance at all the activities and more support from the staff. Even one of the residents who lobbied hard against me in the beginning is starting to confide in me and has been very supportive. I've been feeling down lately because one of the staff members had told me that the residents didn't like several of the activities, and even though I had been pretty sure that she was wrong, it was hard on me for a while, especially when she told me that some of the residents were "tired" of me. Nevertheless, in prayers of late, I have felt that I am exactly where I need to be, and I have more work to do here. Despite all of it's challenges, it is a great job to have, and I love it and LOVE the residents.

People often talk about the forgotten in Assisted Living Facilities, and it's true that some residents appear forgotten by the outside world. But I figure that while I am there to serve them, they are never forgotten. What keeps me going is the love I see there every single day. The resident who grasps my hand and covers it with kisses each time she sees me, even though she can't remember my name. The aide who takes the time to make a resident's hair look fantastic despite the fact that she can't really appreciate it. The husbands, sons and nephews who come with chocolate, flowers, stuffed animals and compliments for their loved ones. The daughters, nieces and grandchildren who give the gift of time to their own family member and take a moment to brighten the day of other residents, too. Every day at my job I am surrounded by love, and have plenty of chances to give it too. I remind myself that these are daughters and sons of God, and their greatest need is to feel love from others. It fills me up to feel the love and support that staff give to the residents, that residents give to us, and it allows me to give it to others even when I myself am running on empty. Love is what it's all about!

Communication Error

I spent the day observing all the different ways people miscommunicate with each other. It was exhausting! Fortunately, I started my day off right by getting up early, cleaning up a bit...doing a sort-of workout (I'm learning to do Zumba), eating a quick and healthy meal, and planning out my day. I gave the kids assignments for the day and came home to discover that Laine had completed all of hers, Kelly had done none of hers, Johnny had done two out of Four, and Joe had done only one out of four.

After my exhausting day at work, I was sorely tempted to make some bad food choices, but instead I prepared a nice green salad and some fish. It was super yummy. I came in under my calorie allotment by about 350'calories, which for me isn't necessarily a good thing since I have a tendency to skip meals and mess with my blood sugar. Nevertheless, it was a good food day.

I've been thinking of gratitude today. I'm trying to keep my heart focused on being grateful for everything, even my trials. I know the Lord's hand is in all things in my life. I just have to trust him!

C25K Day Two

I successfully completed my second day of training to run a 5k. I'm really proud of myself! I know, I know...it's only been three days of working out so far. Nevertheless, I'm excited to say I'm excited. Before I relied on others to motivate me. Now the motivation is coming from myself. I want to look and feel my best. Go me!

My Adventure to Health

For a while there, I was in "I hate myself" mode. I hated the way I felt. I hated the way my body looked. I hated the lack of follow through. I hated my fibroids which have caused bleeding of biblical proportions for well over 6 months now.

In June, I decided enough was enough. God blessed me with a body and mind so that I could use it to make the most of this life. I began using a program to change the way I eat so that I am not skipping meals or stuffing myself to make up for skipping meals. I began to monitor when and how much I was eating. Lo and behold, Since June 1 when I began, I have lost thirteen pounds. I didn't start exercising right away because I wanted to make sure the nutritional changes I was making were beneficial to my body. However, this week, I added the exercise component.

Yesterday I ran my first couch potato to 5k training day. It was painful and hard to run for one minute at a time. I kept telling myself that nothing was going to change about the way I felt in my body unless I changed it, and I pushed through it. I know for most of my running friends, I seem like a baby. I recognize I am woefully out of shape. But for me, this was a big accomplishment. The bigger accomplishment will come when I finish tomorrow, and Friday, and Sunday, and so on, but this was a great start. I am interspersing Zumba in between these workouts for two reasons: 1) I want to learn to dance and 2) it's fun. (Even though I pretty much suck at it!) Today was more of a learning day as I learn the steps. It will be like that for a few more days of Zumba, which is just fine since I'm going to be hurting from the running, etc.

My short term goals are to lose another ten pounds by mid-September and to be able to run three miles without stopping. By next March, I want to run a half marathon with my daughter, Laine. Lofty goal, I know. I have NO desire to run a marathon...it's too hard on a person's body, but a half marathon seems doable and fun, and will likely help with my weight loss efforts.

As for the fibroids, I am still considering my options. The medication didn't help at all. The two options I am seriously considering both have drawbacks. The first is blocking the vessels that feed the fibroids. This procedure can result in pain for weeks or months after the procedure and also can cause unintentional death of other tissue in the uterus. The second procedure is a hysterectomy. The recovery time on this will vary from three to six weeks depending on how they remove the uterus. I don't have that kind of time available to be off of work paid, and I'm not sure if I will be eligible for temporary disability or not. I'm also not sure how long my work can live without me, or what accommodations can be made. My job is a very physical job. I move tables and chairs, walk five miles a day, lead exercise three times a week, and climb ladders to do decorations on a fairly regular basis. But I am prayerfully considering my options. It's clear the bleeding cannot be allowed to continue because it is causing me to be anemic, faint at times, and causing pain and all sorts of other problems that I won't go into due to the gross factor.

I feel confident the Lord will bless me in my efforts to put things right physically. I know this is the next step in bringing my life in line with his will for me and preparing myself for greater service in his kingdom. I have a lot to learn! A recent blessing I received admonished me to remember that all of my blessings are still valid, and to hold on to hope as I make my way through this life. These trials (and there are many) are to help me develop greater faith, greater strength and greater confidence in my relationship with the Lord, and none of them are the result of sin, but rather the refining necessary to prepare me to fulfill my destiny.

What comfort the gospel brings to my life. I'm so grateful every day for it!!

Birthday Week

Two birthdays this week. Joe turned 17 on June 28th, and Laine turned 15 on July 5th. Since the boys were at scout camp this week, I took Laine and Kelly to Sacramento to visit Erin and Nick and then drove us all to Great America on July 4th for some roller coaster fun. We had such an amazing time! We decided not to stay the whole day, leaving around 4 to eat at IHOP and then drive back to Sacramento. A good time was had by all. I tried to stay focused on the good things in my life and tried not to worry about spending the money I had allocated for this birthday adventure when I knew I had several big expenditures waiting for me when I got back. I know having each of these children in my life is a huge blessing, and being able to provide for the basics is nothing to be taken lightly. I am grateful for each of us being in relatively good health I am thankful that Johnny's camp injury wasn't more serious. I consider myself blessed to have the gospel. I know there are thousands of things to be grateful for each and every day. Being the mom of my children is the most profound blessing to be had on this earth.