This afternoon Joseph and Laine returned from youth conference in Cambria. They apparently had a good time, if sun kissed faces are any indication. According to Joe, the dance at the beach was awesome, and he spent the whole time dancing. No surprise there! He also apparently danced with his younger sister, which I find to be really sweet.
This was Laine's first youth conference and she also had a great time. She was fairly happy and excited, and she enjoyed the dance, too.
My poor kids...I dragged them to Sacramento last Thursday evening. We returned late on Sunday evening. Joe and Laine packed up and went to Cambria early Monday morning and returned this afternoon, and this evening, I will be bringing them back to their dad's house where they will be getting on a train in the morning and heading to Sacramento again. It's been non-stop traveling for Laine and Joe!
Kelly didn't go to youth conference this year. She thinks she's too old, and of course, she doesn't want to miss any possible moment she can spend with her boyfriend. She won't be going back to Sacramento either, because she's stressing out about college starting next week and she feels overwhelmed. Fortunately, after 11 straight days of working, I will have Friday off and I am going to help her get things in order so she can be more at peace.
Life is full and busy here! Now if only I can get my laundry and kitchen under control!! Which I have absolutely NO desire to do. (sigh) Maybe after I drop the kids off at their dad's house...
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Entrenched
One of the things I love about working with the elderly - have always loved about working with the elderly - is the glimpse into the hearts of families and individuals that it can offer.
When a family member seeks me out to share a story, ask for insight, or just to hear some reassurance, I am reminded of the hearts that are bound together through sorrow, joy and the tedium of life. And sometimes, I am granted the privilege of more than just a glimpse. I observe with a full heart the tenderness of a man with Alzheimer's who cannot remember much but surely remembers his wife as he gently takes her fussing, careworn fingers in his hand to kiss and caress and then hold her hand in his. I can't help but smile at a daughter who comes faithfully throughout the week as she tends to her father, and finishes her visits by looking him squarely in the face, telling him how much she loves him and showering his head with kisses.
I witness families gathering, celebrating the 98th, the 100th, the 101st birthdays of their loved ones, and taking joy in making memories together. I have been deeply privileged to serve families as they sit by the bedside of their loved ones as they prepare to depart this world. I am bound to these families in a deep and profound way.
And then there are those individuals who have little or no family to support them. Throughout my time working with seniors, these are the ones my heart can't resist. Yes, even the cranky, crotchety ones. I find joy and meaning in helping even those who are difficult to love.
At times like these, I feel my calling to work with, serve and love families and seniors as a tangible and valuable part of my role on earth. These moments exemplify the commandment to love one another, and they touch me deeply.
I am so grateful for the richness my life has been blessed with. I may not be wealthy in terms of money, but my bounty is overflowing with the blessings of service, and I am most grateful for it!
When a family member seeks me out to share a story, ask for insight, or just to hear some reassurance, I am reminded of the hearts that are bound together through sorrow, joy and the tedium of life. And sometimes, I am granted the privilege of more than just a glimpse. I observe with a full heart the tenderness of a man with Alzheimer's who cannot remember much but surely remembers his wife as he gently takes her fussing, careworn fingers in his hand to kiss and caress and then hold her hand in his. I can't help but smile at a daughter who comes faithfully throughout the week as she tends to her father, and finishes her visits by looking him squarely in the face, telling him how much she loves him and showering his head with kisses.
I witness families gathering, celebrating the 98th, the 100th, the 101st birthdays of their loved ones, and taking joy in making memories together. I have been deeply privileged to serve families as they sit by the bedside of their loved ones as they prepare to depart this world. I am bound to these families in a deep and profound way.
And then there are those individuals who have little or no family to support them. Throughout my time working with seniors, these are the ones my heart can't resist. Yes, even the cranky, crotchety ones. I find joy and meaning in helping even those who are difficult to love.
At times like these, I feel my calling to work with, serve and love families and seniors as a tangible and valuable part of my role on earth. These moments exemplify the commandment to love one another, and they touch me deeply.
I am so grateful for the richness my life has been blessed with. I may not be wealthy in terms of money, but my bounty is overflowing with the blessings of service, and I am most grateful for it!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Educational Opportunities Abound
This week on Thursday, the kids and I packed up the car and drove to Sacramento. Actually, Kelly drove the whole way there (and back!) as part of her driver's education. She did a great job. The one incident that happened wasn't really her fault...there was part of a tire in our lane and she had no choice but to run over it. It beat up the guard under the front bumper and now I have a big plastic-y thing hanging down and dragging when I drive. If she had tried to avoid it, we would have had an accident, so she did the right thing.
I was signed up to take a class for my work to get certified as an activity leader. It was a three day course, beginning on Friday and continuing through Saturday and Sunday. While I enjoyed the class, I had forgotten how much I hate sitting still until I was forced to do it for three days straight. Ugh! And this was the first time for many, many years that I didn't get to go to church. I was very sad to miss sacrament, but Nick asked his bishop if he and Joe could administer the sacrament to me at home after my class, and he gave his approval. So right there, in Nick and Erin's little apartment, they blessed the sacrament, and my son Johnny passed it to me. I couldn't help shedding a few tears of happiness at this wonderful bit of grace!
I learned a lot of little details about being an activity director that will help me tremendously in my job, and I walked away with about 25 ideas from others about projects that can be done as part of our activity program. Some of them are great, some are near duplicates of what we already do, and others are mediocre. Nevertheless, any planning I don't have to do is welcome!!
I also signed up for two classes at Fresno City College...art classes! Since one of the types of therapy I am interested in doing is art therapy, I wanted to take some classes to help me along. I'm very excited! The classes will meet four nights a week, and even though I really want to take the classes, I'm already having anxiety about things like interrupting my temple schedule and how much gas it will take to get there. So we'll see if I stick it out!
I was signed up to take a class for my work to get certified as an activity leader. It was a three day course, beginning on Friday and continuing through Saturday and Sunday. While I enjoyed the class, I had forgotten how much I hate sitting still until I was forced to do it for three days straight. Ugh! And this was the first time for many, many years that I didn't get to go to church. I was very sad to miss sacrament, but Nick asked his bishop if he and Joe could administer the sacrament to me at home after my class, and he gave his approval. So right there, in Nick and Erin's little apartment, they blessed the sacrament, and my son Johnny passed it to me. I couldn't help shedding a few tears of happiness at this wonderful bit of grace!
I learned a lot of little details about being an activity director that will help me tremendously in my job, and I walked away with about 25 ideas from others about projects that can be done as part of our activity program. Some of them are great, some are near duplicates of what we already do, and others are mediocre. Nevertheless, any planning I don't have to do is welcome!!
I also signed up for two classes at Fresno City College...art classes! Since one of the types of therapy I am interested in doing is art therapy, I wanted to take some classes to help me along. I'm very excited! The classes will meet four nights a week, and even though I really want to take the classes, I'm already having anxiety about things like interrupting my temple schedule and how much gas it will take to get there. So we'll see if I stick it out!
Monday, July 29, 2013
FHE
Great family home evening tonight...the BBQ chicken tacos were a big hit (especially when accompanied by more garden fresh salsa!), then we ate ice cream and used Emily Christensen's writings on Jacob 5 to illuminate the first section of that very long chapter. Afterward we played a game on Kelly's iPhone (which for the record she paid for, not me!) called Heads Up and had a blast. Oh, and I forgot the sparkler fun in the driveway.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Tough Love
My youngest daughter made an error in judgement that has resulted in a lot of tears on both of our parts. While communicating with a friend on Minecraft (a multiplayer on-line game) she gave him her personal cell phone number. Mind you, she has been admonished many, many times not to give out personal info, but justified it because she has played with him and talked with him through the game so many times.
I only just discovered it recently when I started to notice how secretive she was being with her phone, and how suddenly she carried it with her all the time. While at dinner Thursday, I had the distinct impression to ask her for her phone. When I took the phone and looked at the messages, I about died of a heart-attack. Messages from this supposedly 14 year old boy who theoretically lives in Baltimore, MD were filled with the "F" word and very graphic in nature. Hers in response were not. I told her I was shocked. She told me she really liked him, and according to his messages, he "f-ing" loved her. I asked her how she felt about his language and messages, and she told me he wants to change and be better. I asked her if she wanted to discontinue the relationship or if she wanted me to. She said she would deal with it.
Later that night, texts were still being exchanged back and forth, and I knew I would have to take action. After consulting with her father, we decided to change her phone number, block this young man from making contact on her phone, and temporarily block ALL messaging.
Needless to say this did not make me very popular with my sweet girl. She was FURIOUS. She refused to talk to me when I picked her up from her dad's house, and refused to go to church with me. She used the fact that Kelly refuses to go to support her argument, a fact which pained me to my core. I insisted that she go, knowing that the spirit at church could help her see reason. And sure enough, by the end of church, she was feeling better, but still not back to normal.
My heart was so heavy this morning. As a single parent, I am frequently confronted with my own inadequacies and failures, and this incident, combined with Kelly's complete lack of regard for anything spiritual, and all the stresses of parenting during summer vacation when the kids are home and I am not, lead me to a place of deep sadness. For a while, I was inconsolable. Church made me feel better, as it always does, but I am struggling with how to turn the ship around and keep our family heading in a positive direction.
Let's face it, if I get to the Celestial Kingdom (and that's a big IF), and my kids aren't there with me, I won't want to stay. Period. Everything I have done and do on a daily basis is focused on helping them grow up with faith and strength of character to sustain them so that we can all be together for ever.
Sometimes love is so tough, on so many fronts.
I only just discovered it recently when I started to notice how secretive she was being with her phone, and how suddenly she carried it with her all the time. While at dinner Thursday, I had the distinct impression to ask her for her phone. When I took the phone and looked at the messages, I about died of a heart-attack. Messages from this supposedly 14 year old boy who theoretically lives in Baltimore, MD were filled with the "F" word and very graphic in nature. Hers in response were not. I told her I was shocked. She told me she really liked him, and according to his messages, he "f-ing" loved her. I asked her how she felt about his language and messages, and she told me he wants to change and be better. I asked her if she wanted to discontinue the relationship or if she wanted me to. She said she would deal with it.
Later that night, texts were still being exchanged back and forth, and I knew I would have to take action. After consulting with her father, we decided to change her phone number, block this young man from making contact on her phone, and temporarily block ALL messaging.
Needless to say this did not make me very popular with my sweet girl. She was FURIOUS. She refused to talk to me when I picked her up from her dad's house, and refused to go to church with me. She used the fact that Kelly refuses to go to support her argument, a fact which pained me to my core. I insisted that she go, knowing that the spirit at church could help her see reason. And sure enough, by the end of church, she was feeling better, but still not back to normal.
My heart was so heavy this morning. As a single parent, I am frequently confronted with my own inadequacies and failures, and this incident, combined with Kelly's complete lack of regard for anything spiritual, and all the stresses of parenting during summer vacation when the kids are home and I am not, lead me to a place of deep sadness. For a while, I was inconsolable. Church made me feel better, as it always does, but I am struggling with how to turn the ship around and keep our family heading in a positive direction.
Let's face it, if I get to the Celestial Kingdom (and that's a big IF), and my kids aren't there with me, I won't want to stay. Period. Everything I have done and do on a daily basis is focused on helping them grow up with faith and strength of character to sustain them so that we can all be together for ever.
Sometimes love is so tough, on so many fronts.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
The slamming of a door
There are few things more expressive than the sound of slamming doors. Sometimes, it's the quick push of the door when hot children are dashing to be the first in the pool. Other times, it's the forceful explosion of anger between siblings too frustrated to communicate any other way. There's the quick flick of the door that indicates a desire for privacy. And there's the house rattling slam that follows an all out fight.
I used the slamming of doors when I was young only rarely. I knew what kind of consequence might and often did follow that kind of demonstration. Instead, I would merely envision slamming the door in great detail in my mind's eye, often including details like someone getting a rather severe nosebleed from close contact with my fearsome door slamming skills.
As it turned out, I became quite the door slammer with those around me. Purely figuratively speaking of course. Having been blessed with the gift of loving others easily, and even loving others too much, I was too vulnerable. And I experienced all too often that those I loved had great power to hurt me in every possible way. It was a defense mechanism I employed when I felt that someone was getting a little too close, that I had let my boundaries slip a little too far. It protected me from letting others see how afraid, sad, vulnerable and broken I was.
Sad to say, but I haven't outgrown this tendency. I look at someone's behavior and see a threat of harm and WHAM! There goes the door. In an unguarded moment, I realize I love someone who may not love me back and with a quick flip of my mental wrist, I hide behind my slammed door. I let someone know details about me and my life that I still haven't become comfortable with, and there's a high probability that the door will close hard and fast.
On the surface at least, I still love and interact and tease. But the walls are up and the door is firmly closed, perhaps even locked. I've tried with all my might to overcome this tendency. I have prayed about it often. In fact, the Lord has made it clear to me from time to time that I must trust and allow certain others into the grimy corners of my heart and soul. Sometimes these make sense to me...like my counselor, doctor, bishops, visiting teachers, and so forth. With these individuals, I find myself disclosing what I must and watching for the first signs of danger, even when I know they have proven themselves trustworthy in the past.
There are others though that I feel directed to share things with that I don't understand. When I am rebuffed or hurt by these individuals, and the Lord continues to encourage me to be vulnerable, I feel panic stricken. I try to be obedient. I try to put my trust in him instead of in people, who nearly always let me down. I beg him to help me see these individuals as he sees them so that I can take courage. And he HAS blessed me with the ability to see the potential of people, a blessing that has proven to be both a blessing as well as a curse.
Suffice it to say that I find myself trying to decide whether or not to slam a few doors. At a time when I am feeling extra lonely (it has been 9 years of being alone!), and when my emotions are being stirred up everyday by the growing pangs of my family and my work, I find the absence of people in my life to be a stark reminder of exactly how isolating the slamming of doors can be.
I used the slamming of doors when I was young only rarely. I knew what kind of consequence might and often did follow that kind of demonstration. Instead, I would merely envision slamming the door in great detail in my mind's eye, often including details like someone getting a rather severe nosebleed from close contact with my fearsome door slamming skills.
As it turned out, I became quite the door slammer with those around me. Purely figuratively speaking of course. Having been blessed with the gift of loving others easily, and even loving others too much, I was too vulnerable. And I experienced all too often that those I loved had great power to hurt me in every possible way. It was a defense mechanism I employed when I felt that someone was getting a little too close, that I had let my boundaries slip a little too far. It protected me from letting others see how afraid, sad, vulnerable and broken I was.
Sad to say, but I haven't outgrown this tendency. I look at someone's behavior and see a threat of harm and WHAM! There goes the door. In an unguarded moment, I realize I love someone who may not love me back and with a quick flip of my mental wrist, I hide behind my slammed door. I let someone know details about me and my life that I still haven't become comfortable with, and there's a high probability that the door will close hard and fast.
On the surface at least, I still love and interact and tease. But the walls are up and the door is firmly closed, perhaps even locked. I've tried with all my might to overcome this tendency. I have prayed about it often. In fact, the Lord has made it clear to me from time to time that I must trust and allow certain others into the grimy corners of my heart and soul. Sometimes these make sense to me...like my counselor, doctor, bishops, visiting teachers, and so forth. With these individuals, I find myself disclosing what I must and watching for the first signs of danger, even when I know they have proven themselves trustworthy in the past.
There are others though that I feel directed to share things with that I don't understand. When I am rebuffed or hurt by these individuals, and the Lord continues to encourage me to be vulnerable, I feel panic stricken. I try to be obedient. I try to put my trust in him instead of in people, who nearly always let me down. I beg him to help me see these individuals as he sees them so that I can take courage. And he HAS blessed me with the ability to see the potential of people, a blessing that has proven to be both a blessing as well as a curse.
Suffice it to say that I find myself trying to decide whether or not to slam a few doors. At a time when I am feeling extra lonely (it has been 9 years of being alone!), and when my emotions are being stirred up everyday by the growing pangs of my family and my work, I find the absence of people in my life to be a stark reminder of exactly how isolating the slamming of doors can be.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Two bits of sad news
I'm feeling a little sad on this Thursday night. Today when I arrived at work, I was told a senior gentleman who I had become close to had passed away. I was relieved that he was no longer suffering, and happy that he's on the other side of mortality, but so sad, too. He was one of those people that I had instantly hit it off with. He jokingly called me Cavanaugh every time he saw me, and always had wonderful things to say. I visited with him every chance I could, basking in his sense of humor, his kindness and his warmth. I met several of his wonderful adult children and I introduced mine to him. When he met my children, he told them such wonderful things about me and made me blush with his comments. I will surely miss his wit and his outstretched hands.
I also learned today that a young girl, the niece of a friend of mine, who has been battling cancer was today declared terminal. They will be trying one last round of treatment, but are now facing the hard reality of saying goodbye.
I'll be saying some extra prayers for these families who are experiencing grief and pain. :(
I also learned today that a young girl, the niece of a friend of mine, who has been battling cancer was today declared terminal. They will be trying one last round of treatment, but are now facing the hard reality of saying goodbye.
I'll be saying some extra prayers for these families who are experiencing grief and pain. :(
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Day's Events
Because of my travel earlier this week, I was asked to take Friday off and work Saturday instead. I planned a very busy day!
First, I took Laine to summer school, then went visiting teaching. After visiting teaching I went to the temple. Unfortunately, I couldn't go twice this week as I have been trying to do because I was gone on Tuesday, but the temple session was wonderful. I then picked up Kelly from home and gave her some driving practice as I did some shopping for my work. After the shopping was complete, we picked up Laine from school, had lunch at Del Taco, and headed over to a friend's house where the girls and I were able to do some service (and I got to hold a three week old baby!).
Afterwards, we drove home and Laine got ready to go to her dad's house. I worked on a few projects, did some reading and slept through the sweltering heat until almost 11, when Kelly and I decided we'd had enough of the heat and went out for ice cream. And yes, we ate it right before we went back to sleep. (No judging.)
All in all, a very productive day!
First, I took Laine to summer school, then went visiting teaching. After visiting teaching I went to the temple. Unfortunately, I couldn't go twice this week as I have been trying to do because I was gone on Tuesday, but the temple session was wonderful. I then picked up Kelly from home and gave her some driving practice as I did some shopping for my work. After the shopping was complete, we picked up Laine from school, had lunch at Del Taco, and headed over to a friend's house where the girls and I were able to do some service (and I got to hold a three week old baby!).
Afterwards, we drove home and Laine got ready to go to her dad's house. I worked on a few projects, did some reading and slept through the sweltering heat until almost 11, when Kelly and I decided we'd had enough of the heat and went out for ice cream. And yes, we ate it right before we went back to sleep. (No judging.)
All in all, a very productive day!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Joe's Birthday
My first born son is now 16.
How did that happen?
6 foot 2, eyes of blue, intelligent, sharp-witted, obedient, tender and patient. All this joy from a squirming 9 pound, 13 ounce child!
I've been thinking about him leaving on his mission in a few short years while he has been at scout camp this week. One week is hard! I can't even imagine being without him for two long years. It makes me desolate to contemplate it. I'm sure the Lord will bless me with the fortitude to manage without his hugs, his funny comments, and his helpful nature, but from my perspective right now, it seems darn near impossible. Nevertheless, I know he will serve. I've known since his early days. Above all his other qualities, he is always trying to do what is right.
I'm so glad to be his mother!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Work Travel
On Monday, I was up at 3 a.m. to take the boys to the departure point for camp. I then took Laine to summer school and worked for half a day. In the early afternoon, I left for San Rafael for additional training regarding refining the staff's approach to care at Nazareth House. I was very excited to meet key people at each of the Nazareth Houses in California (San Diego, San Rafael, Los Angeles, and of course, Fresno). I had met the folks from San Diego previously, and was so happy to renew my acquaintance with Michelle, the activity director there. The entire crew spent two very productive days together brainstorming, learning and sharing. I was very honored to be invited to sleep in the convent, which was peaceful and wonderful. And without internet, it was perfect to turn into a little mini-retreat, allowing me even more time to study and think about spiritual things as well as the material we were learning. We returned on Wednesday evening to the oppressive Fresno heat and a return to reality!
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