Rubbing out the Grinch!

This is Laine's new dresser. It's been sitting in my house for a few weeks, waiting for me to get around to staining it. I think today will be the day. I am feeling frustrated and upset by several things in my life, and they have made me struggle to keep a positive attitude. I'm feeling grinchy and grouchy and grumpy. This is entirely unjustified...the few difficulties I have in my life are FAR outweighed by my many blessings and I need to start acting like it, so I'm going to direct all this negative energy into something productive and beautiful. And if that's not enough, then we're going to move all the girl's furniture into the living room and rip out carpet and paint and lay hardwood flooring. Or maybe I'll move all my pantry items into the livingroom and lay tile in the breezeway. Or both! Regardless, I think I have enough to rub out the Grinch!

My Favorite Bear

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you.”  --Winnie the Pooh


I always loved Winnie the Pooh when I was a child. His gentle nature and humble way of looking at the world struck something deep inside then, but I never really thought about it until recently. I think I'm looking for my Winnie the Pooh. Have you seen him?

Nick, Joe & Johnny

Just wanted to share this cute photo of the boys...Nick (Erin's husband), Joseph and Johnny, taken in early November.

Serving Up Soup

Today I had the great opportunity to serve lunch at the Poverello House. I spent some time in the kitchen cutting up pasilla peppers first, then served lunch, first to the volunteers/workers, then to the hungry people standing in line outside. I had an interesting group of volunteers to work with...a local motorcycle club came out, dressed in their leathers with their wives and children. Though their appearance was rough and their language colorful, it was a real pleasure to see their hearts were in the right place as they sought to make sure that each client received the best possible experience. I also worked with one gentleman who volunteers every Friday, and a young ladies' service group from a local church. There was so much help, in fact, that instead of the food being served cafeteria style, which is what I'm used to, we served all the clients at their seats, restaurant style.

Today's menu: Yummy-smelling turkey soup, canned diced peaches, salad, a roll, and a slice of pie. As the clients came in, they picked up a sack lunch for their evening meal, since today was treated like a weekend day. We served 340 lunches. I know that's only a fraction of the cold and hungry that could use nourishment. The director said that about 1200-1400 meals are served for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. They provide the food for Naomi's House as well. I also know that the Fresno Rescue Mission serves meals each day.

I love having the chance to do something really practical and beneficial for the homeless and hungry members of our communities. Something in my heart just breaks when I hear the security workers say they are letting the families in first, and I see mothers, fathers and children come in, or when I see elderly adults being escorted by middle aged adults. By far, most people who come in are "singles," meaning they are eating alone.  There's chatter in the dining room, and some people who are there obviously like one another, and some don't. Every ethnic group is there. They sit, they eat, they talk (and some sing!), and they get up and leave, carrying their little white bags full of nourishment for later. Some have seconds, most do not.

Today when we were done, a tall, lively African-American gentleman graced us with a song, beautifully sung to thank us for our help. The clients thank us too, with a "thanks" or a "God Bless." I looked around me today and saw brothers and sisters, children of my Father in Heaven, and realized again how much I take the plenty on my table and the blessing of a home for granted.

As I left today, I looked at this complex of tents, small sheds, the Poverello House and Naomi's House, and think, there but for the grace of God go I.

Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving! Gobble, gobble! I am on my own this Thanksgiving...the kids are enjoying the day with their dad in honor of his birthday and thanksgiving. I plan on being grateful for everything today and keeping a happy heart. I will be spending part of my day with my home teacher's family to partake of the traditional turkey, and part of the day I will spend visiting with some seniors at a local senior center. And tomorrow, I'm lucky enough to be able to spend serving at the Poverello House.

I wanted to take this opportunity to say that I am really grateful for this life that I have. I've always wanted a simple life...to be a wife and mom, to raise a few animals, to have people in my life to love, a few good close friends. I have all but one of those! How fortunate I am! I look around me and I'm humbled by the ways that God blesses me.

I live in the most blessed country on earth, and that because of the brave men and women who were and are willing to die to keep us free. I live in a state I love (though not politically, I must say). I live in a diverse and bountiful part of that state. I am grateful for my freedom.

Our pets are well-loved and affectionate. Our chickens have been a real blessing, not only in providing the best eggs we've ever had, but also in providing diversion, amusement, and teaching opportunites. Birds visit our yard regularly. We have beautiful trees around us, and live in a quiet, well-established neighborhood with great neighbors. Our house, though pretty old (built 1949) and in much need of attention, is secure and warm, and the monthly bill is low.

Though I lost everything I spent years building because of the circumstances of the divorce, the income from the sale has sustained our family through difficult times and will continue to do so for a few months yet. I waste no time being bitter over these things...instead, I put my life and those of my children in the loving hands of my Father in Heaven. I trust him to guide me and help me through all the uncertainties ahead.

I am so thankful to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for my faith, which I know is a gift from God. I know that He loves me and grants me every good thing. I know that he wants me to be happy, but that his ultimate goal is my eternal JOY, and so I submit my will to his, knowing that he knows what chastening, what opportunities, and what growth I need to become all that he would have me be.

I am grateful that I've had good health. With the exception of a few minor health issues, like the arthritis in my hands, feet and shoulder, I am blessed to be a very healthy person. I'm also grateful for the health of my children. I am fortunate to have good health insurance for the kids.

I could go on ad infinitum with all the things I am grateful for. I am most grateful for my children and the people I love in my life. They give me reasons to keep moving forward, and their love keeps me sane. Hugs to all of you!!

My Grandfather: Isidore Arthur Vermette

This is a photo of my Grandmother, Agnes and my Grandfather, Isidore. I never called them that, though...to me they were always Memere and Pepere.

Pepere never finished school, but I still think he was a genius. He could fix nearly anything, make nearly anything. Some of my fondest memories were watching him work with wood and make lovely things for my grandmother. I also enjoyed watching him weld, though I was not allowed to get too close during that process to protect my eyes.

He made one room houses into large homes. He fixed vehicles and altered them when necessary. He made at least one mobile home that I know of. When I was young, he made me a dollhouse and a nightstand, both of which I loved immensely. He couldn't sit still to save his life.

He was a prankster to the extreme and loved to "get" people. He was also a fantastic storyteller with a great sense of humor. He read Reader's Digest faithfully (and left it on the back of the toilet along with Guideposts so the rest of us could enjoy it, too!). He was lovable, but also fiercely tempered. I learned early on not to make him mad or break any rules around him. He was one of the hardest workers I knew. He could swear in two languages. He always knew how to do everything, and felt free to tell you how to do it.

He was a Catholic, and attended church every Sunday he could. His favorite hymn was "How Great Thou Art" and I loved to hear him sing it.

He and my grandmother raised six children...four girls, and two boys. Their names are Jeannette, Rita, Gloria (my mom), Richard, Norman and Susan. His biggest fights were with my Uncle Norman, their disabled son who lived with them their whole lives. Both were stubborn as mules.

When they were older, Pepere loved to watch HSN with my grandmother and buy her little trinkets. When my grandmother was at the end of her life, he cared for her the best he knew how, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

He was imperfect and riddled with faults and failings, and blessed with many talents. I love him with all my heart.

(Those cabinets behind my grandfather were built by him.) He died April 4, 2006, 4 years after his sweetheart died. He was 89 years old.

Cranking Up the Heat and the Gratitude

I had to turn the temp on my hot water heater up this week. It's amazing how all spring and summer, I don't even think about it. We have all the hot water we can handle, thanks to our solar hot water heater. My gas bill runs about $4 a month during the summer. When the foggy days start to hit, though, my once warm water starts to feel cold, and I have to crank up the hot water heater.

I have been really blessed by having the solar water heater. It has worked flawlessly for the thirteen and a half years that I have lived in this home. It was here when I got here, and hopefully I have many, many more years of nearly free hot water ahead of me.

My gas bill isn't the only thing that goes up in the winter. The solar panels on the roof that produce huge amounts of electricity during the sunny months slow down considerably during the winter, and my electric bill creeps up. Or in some cases, leaps up! I would prefer to supplement our heat with the EPA certified wood-burning insert we installed when we found out Kelly had asthma, but the new regulations on wood burning make it hard to use the insert as a reliable heat source.

I am very blessed to have these money (and environment) saving devices in my home. They've literally saved me thousands of dollars over the years. I overlook them most of the time. I'm thankful for all the ways the Lord has blessed me. This is just one more example of his tender mercies at work in my life.

Senior Living Network

Well, we completed another successful year for the Senior Living Network. I worked with my friend and co-chair Renee to solicit sponsors and donations for three events...our Alzheimer's awareness walk that took place in March, the Alzheimer's Educational Forum that we put on in June, and last, but certainly not least, the Senior Living Network Fashion Show and Luncheon that took place a few weeks ago.

Phew! It has been a lot of work in this tough economy. Donations were not what we would like them to be, but we have high hopes that this coming year will be easier and better. And now we get to start on another year! For those who are unaware, the Senior Living Network is made up of a group of volunteers, all professionals who work with and for the senior community in our area. The organization's mission statement is "to raise funds and awareness through education for Alzheimer's disease and related dementia." The funds are divided between three organizations...UCSF Fresno Alzheimer's & Memory Center, OASIS (Older Adult Social Services), and the Alzheimer's Foundation of Central California.

I've been the fundraising chair/co-chair for three years now. I took it on shortly after my own grandfather, who had Alzheimer's disease, died. It is interesting that all these years I have worked with individuals and families to provide care for clients who had varying types and stages of dementia, and yet when it struck in my own family, I was unprepared for the emotional impact it would have on all of us. Practically, I could tell my mom what to do to ensure that my grandfather couldn't drive after he became dangerous on the road. I could also comfort her that his accusations of theft and his paranoia were products of dementia, and not to take them personally. I could advise her on how to handle his hoarding behaviors. And I could even help her through the process of what to do for my uncle, who has several disabilities, once my grandfather could no longer care for him. But seeing the impact of it, losing him day by day...it was still devastating. Fortunately my grandfather did not linger on for years with Alzheimer's. He had other health issues that first made it impossible to communicate and later took his life before we had to endure the difficulties and challenges of advanced dementia.

Alzheimer's is one of the cruelest diseases, in my opinion. It takes away a loved one bit by bit. Because a person can otherwise be healthy, the disease can progress for years and years. Its toll on families and on individuals who care for someone with Alzheimer's is immense. They mourn the losses, big and small, of the parts of the person they've loved for years as each day passes. As the brain deteriorates, it can seem as if they are left with just the shell and the thankless, unending care of someone who is increasingly mentally absent. The caregivers are plagued with exhaustion, especially if they're unable to get respite care to give them a break from their duties. It's a 24 hour a day responsibility and seldom offers chances for uninterrupted sleep for the caregiver.

The only comfort I can find when I'm faced with a family dealing with this terrible disease is the assurances that my faith brings me. I know that we live upon this imperfect world in bodies that are subject to the frailties of the flesh. I know that when our spirits inhabit these bodies, that whatever happens to them tests us and others around us. Our resilience, our testimonies, our determination to remain faithful, our willingness to love and serve others can be strengthened or weakened by how we respond to these challenges. And in the case of Alzheimer's, where our brain physically changes and behavior is affected, I cling to the knowledge that inside, the spirit and the essence of who a person is remains unchanged. I stand certain that even if a beloved family member no longer recognizes us in this existence, in the hereafter, they will certainly remember us and love us for the sacrifices we have made in caring for them, despite the terrible toll it takes on every level. And when we are resurrected, our bodies will no longer subject to illness or disease and will be whole and all of our faculties restored.

I love working with this group of professionals, and making an impact, however small, that connects families dealing with Alzheimer's to support, help, and hope. Our next event takes place on April 2, 2010...it will be our Alzheimer's Awareness walk at Woodward park. Won't you join us?

A Song I Love

I've been listening to the EFY 2009 CD in my car, and one of the songs I love is called "The Real Me." Every time I hear it, I think about the fact that I never have to hide who I really am from God, or what's going on in my heart.

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a Charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

And you love me just as I am

Wonderful, Beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

Moving On

My former husband is getting married. Many friends have asked me how I feel about this and are concerned for my well being. To me, his Christmas-time marriage is a good thing, as he is a much better parent when he has a partner. It's also good because I want him to be happy...after all, we were married for 13 years. When he is alone, he is absolutely NOT happy. The kids are okay with him getting married. They've expressed concern about me being alone, though they've also admitted that me getting remarried would be much harder for them than their dad getting remarried. The kids love him, and so do I, because of them. His happiness means the kids will be happier and will be treated better. And Patrick will always be a part of our family.

This doesn't mean it's easy for me to see him get married. One part of me has to finally relinquish the glimmer of hope I had for a miraculous change of heart and behavior that might have yielded a chance for real hope for us. A part of me feels it's really unfair, questions (again) what God has in store for me.

According to a recent study, about 39 percent of Americans think marriage is obsolete. As for me, I don't consider marriage to be obsolete, though I apparently have great difficulty choosing "the One." I believe marriage is ordained of God for the benefit of mankind, creating the best possible environment for raising children, and allowing maximum growth for the couple. Divorce has not turned me off of marriage, though it has scared me a bit. Despite having been divorced, marriage is a desirable thing to me. I would like to have someone who loves and cherishes me, and I want to have someone in my life that I can cherish and shower with love. I long to share spiritual and emotional growth with someone, watch the children grow and mature with a companion at my side. I want to go on walks, hand in hand, ponder the universe, discuss the things of eternity, watch people, visit beautiful places and temples, and laugh.

In the meantime, I'm trying to bear it all with patience, and know that when the time is right, God will bring about the right circumstances for it to happen. The loneliness cannot consume me, even though sometimes I think it might, as long as I rely on my relationship with Christ to carry me through. He at least is faithful, constant, kind, and concerned for my eternal welfare.