Voices

Perhaps when the phone rings, you think, "telemarketer." Or maybe you think, "Not now...!" Sometimes we look at the caller ID and opt not to answer the phone. But isn't it wonderful how much the right voice on the other end of the phone can mean? A pick-me-up, a sudden jolt of light into a dark day, the feeling of being hugged in our hearts?

How much energy we project into our voices, the love we let creep into our tone, the warmth we let encircle those we love as we speak to them...all of those amazing things can make someone's day. Isn't it funny that we can recognize those we care about as soon as we hear that first breath? With so many of us living distant from those who are important to us, how lucky we are to have the telephone.

In Sunday school this week, we were discussing letters. I love getting letters in my mailbox. It's fun to see a hand-written note! And they are great to keep for posterity. But when it comes to the day to day grind, receiving a phone call from a friend or family member who expresses love and concern and just the right amount of "kick in the pants" can make all the difference in the world.

There are some voices I can hear in my head as I'm wrestling with things. And no, I'm not crazy...it's just that certain people have proven over and over again to have the right perspective, or the perfect way of expressing tenderness and/or caring, or a certain tone to their voice that helps me reconnect to things. I can hear, for example, Bishop Wadsworth's voice from time to time. Bishop Martin crosses my mind pretty frequently when I'm in need of a smile or feeling like someone cares. Holly's voice comes through loud and clear when I need to be calmed or refocused. Believe it or not, I sometimes hear former President Ronald Reagan's voice when I'm thinking about what makes our country great (he had such a great speech writer!). So many people to love! And I'm so grateful for all the ways in which each life touches mine. Today when I was meeting with a client, she said she believed everyone she's ever met has crossed her path for a reason. She is so right! My life (my crazy, mixed up, insanely hectic life) has been blessed by so many wonderful individuals!

A friend of mine messaged me yesterday that my ward is my family, and my strength, and my support. How right she is! And all the voices from each of you that have given me peace, hope friendship, love, understanding, kindness and energy...each of you are my course-correctors, even when we don't actually get to talk. Thank you so much for the joy you bring into my life!!!!!

Sleepless in Fresno

I spent the day yesterday being publicly called names and had my personal life blasted all over the internet by my brother's partner. Emails flew back and forth as my brother and his partner sent hate mail to me, attacking me for trying to take away their civil rights. I guess I know a little now what it's like to run for public office. :-)

What I tried to make a message of love has been received as a message of hate. What I tried to express to my brother in private as my right as an American to disagree with his viewpoint (in response to his PUBLIC request for me to do so on facebook) has turned into a public roast. Despite knowing that I am on the correct side of this issue morally speaking, it kills me to have my family ostracize me and treat me so disrespectfully. My family may never be the same. And though because of my religious beliefs, I am used to being the "odd one out," I don't know that we will ever have the same level of interaction again. It makes me feel really sad, and very alone. I probably should get used to that.

I just don't get what my patriarchal blessing says...that I will be a srength to my family. All I've done with my choices is cause my family to accept me less and less, even though I am trying my best to live a moral life.

Once again, the only one I can count on to pull me through is my Father in Heaven. Maybe that's the purpose of such isolating experiences...to teach us to rely on him more perfectly.

Today

Wow...what a day today has been. Is anyone else just completely wiped out? I feel so exhausted I can barely move. Still, when you're a single mom and building your own business, having the luxury of checking out for a day (or a week, which is what I feel like) is just not an option.

Today, I was a "guinea pig" for the managers at NYL. I was asked to be the agent interviewed by the trainer that teaches the managers at New York Life. Mind you, this is in front of my boss, four managers, the training manager, and another observer there at NYL. I have to admit, the thought filled me with panic. I guess I have a bit of a deficiency complex already...I'm trying to do a full time job in a part time schedule, still trying against all hope to be a mom first, even though I have to work, too. Part of why I selected NYL was that it would allow me to be flexible. However, the typical agent works 50-60 hours a week, and has most evenings filled to capacity with appointments. I knew I couldn't and didn't want to do that. I knew that meant that I needed to work with businesses, which are the most difficult clients to work with because they take much longer. But since I needed day-time activity, it was a route I was prepared to try. And building the business has been slow for me, but I figured if it was meant to be, it would happen over time. Hopefully God would bless my efforts and help me along the way. I have had small successes, and it's been growing, slowly.

So I had to slay my perfectionism dragon, right there in front of everyone. I was honest about my limitations and areas of weakness. Now everyone knows how awful I really am! Yikes! Truthfully, it wasn't as horrible as I imagined through my sleepless night last evening. And I did learn some things that will help me in my business. Ultimately, it made me grateful that I have this opportunity, and reaffirmed for me that I was putting forth my best effort given my circumstances. All the things I have accomplished have been as a result of being committed to being a mom first, working hard to learn and do all I can, and giving the rest over to God. Ultimately, I know that any success I have isn't my success, it's because God saw fit to bless me.

I guess it all comes back to hope...I know that during my most difficult times, I learned that all the things we need for salvation are really just gifts from God...faith, hope, charity, the atonement. There is nothing we can do to earn these gifts. Even our best efforts are never really our best...we could always have done better. So I know that if I generally head in the right direction, as screwed up as I am and as fault-filled as I am, and try to be repentant, humble and teachable, he can make up any difference. And if that's true with something as important as our eternal destinies, doesn't it make sense that he will bless us with all that we need on this earth as well? It may not be in the way we expect, but then, we seldom see things as perfectly as he does, with an eye toward our personal growth. It's okay....I trust him.

"Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?" - Matthew 6:30

All together now!

Finally a new picture of all the kids together! Here's my five loves.

Joe is wearing pretend glasses...they look pretty cute on him!

Erin joined us on a recent family trip to (you guessed it!) Disneyland. We had a lot of fun, a lot of drama, and great family time together.

Laine recently had a haircut and she opted for it to be shorter than she's ever had it before. I really think it flatters her.

A Good Friend

This last weekend I traveled to Los Angeles area to meet up with Tiffany, a good friend of mine from college. She took me all over "her world," from her apartment through the canyon, to where she works, through Beverly Hills, to the beach at Santa Monica Pier...we just had a blast hanging out and talking like we'd never been apart.

She works in entertainment law as a legal secretary. She is so much fun to be with: full of life and energy, always finding ways to get what she wants out of life and having a lot of fun doing it. She treated me to a fantastic dinner at Il Fornaio (gosh, I hope I spelled that correctly!) where we sat at an outdoor table on the sidewalk in breezy Beverly Hills and soaked up the atmosphere as well as enjoyed one another's company.

Tiffany is the person who taught me in college not to be afraid to be myself. She also helped me look at myself differently. As someone who frequently suffered from a lack of self-esteem and poor self-image, she was always there to love me unconditionally and to tell me often how much she liked me just the way I was. I've never met anyone who was willing to work so hard to accomplish what she wanted, and who approached all of life as an adventure, and who was not afraid of re-evaluating everything and deciding on a different direction. I'm happy to report that all those things are still true about her, which made it a real treat to be with her and get a peek into a little slice of her world.


Incidentally, Tiffany also took me on my first airplane flight, introduced me to the wonderful world of Santa Cruz (where I fell in love with the mountains and the ocean), and helped me become truly independent by teaching me how to use bus schedules and maps and phone books to get acclimated to a new area.

There were several musicians on the pier, including a saxaphonist. I love listening to live saxaphone music! Of course there were the usual rides and games, which we opted not to take advantage of. It was fun watching people fish from the pier and seeing the wide range of people in the LA area. I'm a people-watcher anyway, so I always enjoy that.

All in all, I consider it time well spent. It's always good to refresh friendships and remember good times had together. I treasure my friends and consider myself very blessed to have amazing people placed in my path for me to befriend. It's evidence of God's love for me that I am able to have so many wonderful friends to keep me sane and bring me so much joy! Love to all my friends out there!!!

Last Disneyland Summer Run 2008

We made a last trip for the summer to Disneyland. We had a really great time, despite the fact that we got off to a bumpy start. Kelly broke her finger the night before we left, so we spent half of the day at the doctor's office. They couldn't see her that day before we had to leave, so they splinted it and we went on our way!

We did some things this trip that we haven't done before. We went into two 3-D shows we've never seen before..."It's tough to be a bug" and Muppetvision 3-D." They were both really good and a lot of fun. We really enjoyed spending time together. We were really tired from the heat this time though, so we ended up spending a lot of time on the Disneyland Express train, resting our feet and waving at all the people in the park.

There were a lot of really great moments. It was fun to watch Kelly and Joe ride the merry-go-round in California Adventures. I can't remember the last time I saw them on there, and watching them laugh and really get into it made me think about them when they were much younger.

I consider myself so very lucky. My kids love each other and get along so well together. Yes, there are moments when duct tape and rope seem like great options, but generally speaking, they get along well and enjoy talking to each other. I love to see them protect each other, laugh with one another and be kind. It gladdens my heart like nothing else on earth. They are so strong, sometimes I wonder what God was thinking when he decided I should be their mother. How could I be so lucky? It's so humbling, and I find myself thankful for all the things being a parent has taught me.

We save to get Disneyland passes all year, and I am already anticipating the day when they won't choose Disneyland as their first option. It will be a sad day for me. I'm so glad I can give them the gift of the magic of Disneyland while they are young. May the love and the laughter and the zany days of being silly and being together be forever engraven on their hearts and minds.

Backyard Camping

Well, the plan was to go camping this weekend, but since all the campsites in the Redwoods appear to be full this weekend, we decided to camp a little closer to home! Here's our tent in the backyard. We set it up in the dark in proper late night arrival fashion (Oh, no....that's the wrong pole! Wait...the pole popped out again! Who has the rain-fly? Abby, come back here with that hammer!), and crawled into our sleeping bags after an evening swim in our "lake." We watched the stars come out, read our scriptures, told scary stories, and laughed as the cat and Abby tried to come into the tent through the "shoe door."

Tonight we are roasting hot dogs, making smores, and swimming again! The pool really does look like a lake....it's all green. My filter has been broken for a while, and it was finally fixed today, but it will need 24 hours before it gets crystal clear again.

It's not quite like the redwoods, but hey...it's still fun! We love the redwoods. Besides being beautiful, the redwood groves are usually in close proximity to the ocean, which gives us the best of both worlds...the mountains and the beach. Did you know the Redwoods sing? When we stayed at Grizzly Creek several years in a row, we were amazed to wake up early in the morning to hear an odd sort of music...it happens when the fog, the temperature and the breezes are just right. Simply amazing!

It must be a sign of the financial times when the campgrounds are so full...lots of people are trying to cut expenses, I guess. For us, camping is a way of life. Last year, we went on an epic journey to the Grand Tetons. We had a marvelous time, even with all the road construction. Joe invented a song we now call the mile marker song, which helped all of us hold on to a little piece of sanity as we inched along on the highways under a hot sun with no air conditioning available because of the incline. We camped in a beautiful quiet area in one of the most amazing areas I've ever seen. We saw all kinds of wildlife...bison, birds, deer, coyotes, and even a grizzly bear. Our tent was put to great use! For us, nature is a way of reconnecting with each other in a meaningful way and getting back to basics, and especially back to recognizing God's love for us and his hand in our lives. I am always amazed at how he demonstrates his love for us every day!

Of course, there are always the difficulties of life, and the "wearing" effect we have on one another. Being a parent is tough work! But I'm so glad and grateful to have this blessing in my life, and I hope that the "wearing" will eventually make me a more polished, smoother, and willing person. Even during the times when I'm sure God has a lot more confidence in me than I have in myself as a parent, I can only be amazed and humbled to be helping him raise these kids.

Oh! I just remembered...I better go check the sprinkler settings! We might get more than we bargained for in the morning!

Love and Hugs!

Tidal Pools at Pismo

On the spur of the moment yesterday, we decided to head off to Pismo for a little summer fun. We arrived there at ten and played until two. This particular beach has a tidal pool where we get to touch anemones and pick up hermit crabs. We even saw an eel! We brought sandwhich fixings and ate on the beach.

The water was freezing to me, but as you can see, the kids didn't care. Kelly and her friend Franny played in the water, explored the tidal pools and goofed off. Johnny and Laine had a nice mix of playing in the sand and in the water, and Joe spent almost two hours just body surfing. I enjoyed watching them and soaking in the cooler weather and hearing the sound of the waves. It was very calming and peace restoring to my soul.

On the way back yesterday, we took highway 41 from 101, which was a mistake, because poor Kelly got really car sick on that stretch of road. Next time we will take 46 to 41 and make everyone much happier!

Puppy Love!

Here's a photo of our new little puppy. Indy went with Patrick to the mountains when he moved up there a month ago. I found I just couldn't take being alone when the kids went up, so I adopted a puppy from the SPCA. Her name is Abby, and she is a lab mix. I think she might be part German Shepherd. She's very smart! And much calmer than Indy. She likes to hang out with me, and loves fruit fresh from the tree almost as much as Indy. When we adopted her, they said she was a "young adult." But when they fixed her, they said she's more like 4 months old. She likes to chew, but fortunately hasn't been too destructive.

Indy still visits every now and then when Patrick leaves town. Now he has a new buddy to play with when he comes!

I'm very glad to have this new little friend, especially since our cat Timmy died on fourth of July weekend. We were all devastated to lose him...he was such a wonderful kitty. Our other cat, Hailey, hangs out at our neighbor's house more than ours...their two little girls hand feed her and cater to her every whim...which Hailey, who is almost too fat to move, just loves.

Family, Family

Here's a photo of the kids with my parents when we went to visit them in Twentynine Palms about six weeks ago. Does anyone else besides me feel a little weird about visiting the old home town? Of course, I grew up in a smaller town than most. The town is growing up though...even though part of me expects to run into the same people at the same places, it's a whole new city in many ways, and all the new stores feel a little out of place. It feels even more foreign to me now since my parents haven't lived in the house I grew up in for several years.

I love seeing the kids explore the little city. This trip, I took them into the Joshua Tree National Park (which will always be the National Monument in some part of my mind) and we explored rock climbing in Indian Cove campground area. We looked at plants and bushes, chased a few iguanas, watched lizards and birds evade us, and tried to catch sight of some other creatures. We discovered the "magic spot" that I had to stand in to receive a Verizon signal. We stood nearby as braver souls than us climbed up sheer rock facings with grace and enthusiasm. I remembered coming up to this campground as a youth for family and church gatherings, for occasional camping, and lots of rock climbing.

We decided to head back there in the fall and set up camp, soaking up what will be by then a little welcome warmth, and lay back under the tremendous stars overhead and count our blessings. I remember my first feelings of closeness to God coming under those magnificent desert stars. It was then that I learned to taste of humility and dependence upon God, though it's taken me all this time and I still haven't got the lesson down perfectly yet. I'm a slow learner I guess.

Love and hugs to all!