Today

Wow...what a day today has been. Is anyone else just completely wiped out? I feel so exhausted I can barely move. Still, when you're a single mom and building your own business, having the luxury of checking out for a day (or a week, which is what I feel like) is just not an option.

Today, I was a "guinea pig" for the managers at NYL. I was asked to be the agent interviewed by the trainer that teaches the managers at New York Life. Mind you, this is in front of my boss, four managers, the training manager, and another observer there at NYL. I have to admit, the thought filled me with panic. I guess I have a bit of a deficiency complex already...I'm trying to do a full time job in a part time schedule, still trying against all hope to be a mom first, even though I have to work, too. Part of why I selected NYL was that it would allow me to be flexible. However, the typical agent works 50-60 hours a week, and has most evenings filled to capacity with appointments. I knew I couldn't and didn't want to do that. I knew that meant that I needed to work with businesses, which are the most difficult clients to work with because they take much longer. But since I needed day-time activity, it was a route I was prepared to try. And building the business has been slow for me, but I figured if it was meant to be, it would happen over time. Hopefully God would bless my efforts and help me along the way. I have had small successes, and it's been growing, slowly.

So I had to slay my perfectionism dragon, right there in front of everyone. I was honest about my limitations and areas of weakness. Now everyone knows how awful I really am! Yikes! Truthfully, it wasn't as horrible as I imagined through my sleepless night last evening. And I did learn some things that will help me in my business. Ultimately, it made me grateful that I have this opportunity, and reaffirmed for me that I was putting forth my best effort given my circumstances. All the things I have accomplished have been as a result of being committed to being a mom first, working hard to learn and do all I can, and giving the rest over to God. Ultimately, I know that any success I have isn't my success, it's because God saw fit to bless me.

I guess it all comes back to hope...I know that during my most difficult times, I learned that all the things we need for salvation are really just gifts from God...faith, hope, charity, the atonement. There is nothing we can do to earn these gifts. Even our best efforts are never really our best...we could always have done better. So I know that if I generally head in the right direction, as screwed up as I am and as fault-filled as I am, and try to be repentant, humble and teachable, he can make up any difference. And if that's true with something as important as our eternal destinies, doesn't it make sense that he will bless us with all that we need on this earth as well? It may not be in the way we expect, but then, we seldom see things as perfectly as he does, with an eye toward our personal growth. It's okay....I trust him.

"Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?" - Matthew 6:30