Sad News, Good (?) News

We received some sad news yesterday. Apparently Tuesday night at the intersection of Barstow and Maroa, one of Kelly's childhood friends was in a terible car accident. Kelly knew her when she attended Gibson, and they were good friends at that time. She was the only one injured. I believe she was sitting in the back seat of the car. Her injuries are very serious, and she is experiencing swelling of her brain, one eye has completely collapsed and the other eye was seriously injured, though they hope she will be able to regain some vision in that eye. There have been hopeful signs...she is responding to people, including a request to know if she was in pain. She has a lot of friends and family praying for her, including ours. The next few days is critical for her...if the swelling continues or if she gets an infection, it could cause further injury. Please pray for S. and her family!

I also received news yesterday about my dad. Last week, he began experiencing severe pain, cramping and muscle fatigue in his legs and lower body. We were very concerned. He went to the doctor on Monday, and the doctor believes his problem is a side effect of the medication he was on for his cholesterol. He ran some bloodwork, and we'll know more in a few days, but so far all the results are normal. He obviously stopped taking his medication.

I went yesterday to national anxiety screening day at Fresno State. I went because I get extra credit in one of my classes for doing so, but in a way it was a good thing. I've been having some recurring nightmares about bad things happening to the children, as well as increased general anxiety, and when I went through the screening process, I realized that those are post-traumatic stress symptoms rearing their heads. Just knowing that makes me feel relieved, though it does make me look around at what might be triggering it. The counselor I talked to briefly said that I had been through a lot and it seemed I was dealing with everything very constructively. A lot of students participated. Hopefully they are able to help anyone who needs it!

I'm trying to find time to get photos from Johnny's birthday loaded...maybe Saturday after the women's conference. Right now, I need to get back to homework!

I think I can...

I dunno...these last couple of weeks I've felt like I've been hanging on by my fingernails...homework, tests, research proposals, summary presentations, and that's just my classes. Nevertheless, today I received back three tests and discovered that I earned an A on all of them! That means (so far) that together with my other work I have an A in all my classes. Now, in this next week: a ten page rough draft of a research paper, a final draft on the research proposal, three more article summaries and a midterm. I have three little words running through my head, like the little engine that could...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Sounds of the Cavanaugh Home

Mom: (notices Johnny with his head on the table) Johnny, are you okay?
Johnny: Yeah, I'm meditating.
Mom: Really, why?
Johnny: I'm getting ready to do psychokinesis. I have to meditate for 30 minutes.
Mom: Oh. What are you meditating on?
Johnny: Nothing.
Mom. (trying not to laugh) Hm. Where did you learn about that?
Johnny: On a website.
Mom: Okay, good luck with that.

Exploring

My son Johnny wants to be an explorer when he grows up. I could easily see him being in the National Park Service, or working as a researcher on a science team. He loves to grow things, look at things, build things. He has a sharp eye for distant landscapes and wildlife, and geography is one of his favorite subjects. My other kids ask to go get food or visit the bookstore (Joe!) when it's their turn to pick our destination. Johnny would rather go to the ocean, or the mountains, or anywhere there's something new to see or do. He is my biggest helper when we go camping, eagerly setting up the tent, determining the layout of the campsite, reminding me of the rules of camping or the particular area we're in. He and I share a common love for the beauty of the world (though at his age, he calls it "cool" not beautiful).

So I wasn't surprised yesterday when he wanted to go "exploring." We headed off to Woodward Park to hit the Lewis Eaton Trail. Kelly had her camera in tow, as she usually does these days. We walked a bit and before long, Johnny spotted a way to get off the trail and down to the various bodies of water down by the river. We went down a very steep path, holding on to a chain link fence nearly the whole way. (Oh, wait...that was just me holding on!) We looked in holes, drainage pipes, bushes, swampy areas, all the time making our way toward the river. It turns out the mosquitoes got too dense and hungry, and we ended up turning around and heading back earlier than Johnny would have liked.

It was a nice evening activity, and we had a great time checking things out, like this "bridge over troubled waters." Well, you can't see the bridge because I was standing on it to take the photo. Afterward, we went home to eat ribs, pilaf, steamed broccoli, and bread.

I hope he gets to fulfill his dream of being an explorer. I hope I get to go with him!

Double Digit Day

Johnny will be turning ten on Monday, and I don't know if I'm ready for all of my kids to be double digits. It makes me feel sad, and old. All my babies are growing up! I know, I know...they're supposed to do that! But it makes my heart ache to see the wonderful years of their youth pass so quickly.

I always wanted to have a large family...some people would say I do, since I've been blessed to be mother to five wonderful children, four of whom I've birthed myself. But I really wanted to have even more children. I would have taken as many as God would give me! Being a mom is the finest blessing I can imagine. And even though I'm not great at it somedays, in general, I feel like I've done a pretty good job.

In our family, all of the family members turn odd the same year, and of course, even the same year. (Some of my friends and family will tell you we are ALWAYS odd. That's a fair assessment.) This year is our even year. By September, my loves will be 10, 12, 14, 16 and 24. (sigh) It began February 15th with Erin, Johnny is next, mine is in May, Joe is June 28th then Laine July 5th. Kelly hits her milestone birthday on September 28th.  I'm not sure my heart can take it.

In the meantime, I need to figure out what to do for Johnny's big day. I asked him if he wanted to go to Boomers on his birthday, and he said he would rather stay home and eat cupcakes. Bless his little heart! He doesn't want me to bring any treats to his school, either. What to do, what to do?

The Yard

The water meters will be turning on soon, and I'm thinking spending money on watering grass is very foolish. I would rather plant edible things in my yard together with drought tolerant beauties. That will involve a tremendous amount of work!

I'm feeling the pressure...Spring is almost here, and I have to make a decision about my grass/yard. I'm trying to figure out how to fit all the responsibilities in I have now, plus changing the yard, moving irrigation, planting my garden, cleaning up the yard, installing more sections of fencing, pruning trees, etc.

I'm so blessed to have this beautiful property, and I don't mean to be ungrateful. But I have to admit, it seems overwhelming at times.

Tapestries

I just had to take a moment to acknowledge God's hand in my life. He knows what I need and when I need it, and time and time again, I've discovered that what he has in mind is WAY better than anything I have planned. I try to remember that when he asks me to do something...that I may be just one little piece in his tapestry, but I need to decide if I am going to be the piece that breaks off and has to be tucked into the material and forgotten, or if I'm going to be an anchor.

When I'm feeling down, I feel like staying in my little world and not talking to anyone. But I discovered that the Lord has a better solution...reach out and bless someone else's life. I often feel frustrated when trying to do this, though...what do I know about what anyone else needs? And what good am I to anyone else when I can barely manage my own life? I feel like I stand before the Lord, empty handed and unworthy. Yet occasionally he will place opportunities in my path to help another, and when that happens, the challenges I have shrink and shrivel, and I feel so humbled to be able to help someone else. I offer the following only as examples. I don't wish to brag or be prideful, only to express my gratitude.

I couldn't sleep Saturday night because I couldn't stop thinking about someone. I finally got up and found her information in the directory, and determined that if I couldn't locate her at church that I would call or visit her right after church. I found her at church, and found out why she had been on my mind, and because of that encounter, I had an opportunity to help and to bless someone else. This is just what the Lord knew I needed, and an opportunity I had been praying for. Then later in the day, I was able to offer a listening ear to another dear friend. I'm so grateful that He hears me. I can see more insight daily into the commandment for all of us to be one...to stand together, support one another, and share our lives in a tapestry that reflects his Glory.

Scuba Diving

I watched a video my daughter showed me about someone's scuba diving adventure, and looking at the sea life made me think about the first time I went scuba diving. Coincidentally, I recently found the journal that had the information about that experience. It was back in February of 2000. We were on a leadership trip to Ixtapa/Zijuatanejo for our Home Instead Franchise. I took Kelly, Joe and Laine with me on the trip. Oh, it was so beautiful! I fell in love with Zijuatanejo. The hotel we were staying in was built on the beach, and designed with lots of stairs, so we were constantly climbing stairs to get around. I actually lost 5 pounds on that trip, but that wasn't the only reason I liked it.

Patrick and David went scuba diving and came back to tell me all about it. I really wanted to go, but I have two problems...I'm claustrophobic, and I'm a little afraid of deep water (from watching someone almost drown when I was young). I went through the training class and decided to try diving. We went out onto the water, and began to dive. No one else seemed to have any difficulty, but when I started to go down, I began to panic as I realized how much water was above and below me, and it became hard for me to breathe. I quickly went up to the surface. Miguel, our dive coach, followed me up. I told him I couldn't do it. He put his hand on my arm and told me to just breathe deeply. After I calmed down, he asked if I would like to hold on to him, and I said yes.

True to his word, he let me hold onto him the whole dive trip. We were supposed to dive to about 30 feet, but we ended up going to about 40, and what was supposed to be a half hour turned into nearly 50 minutes.  The fish were stunning. We even saw smaller sharks and tiny little critters and fish near the coral reef. While we were down there, I spotted an octopus and showed everyone else. I continued to hold on to Miguel, but my fear had subsided somewhat, and when it was time to go back up, I discovered that I was dismayed.

It was a memorable experience. I was really proud of myself for facing my fears and doing something that ended up being amazing. Scuba diving is an expensive adventure, but I still hope I get to do more of it someday.

A sad but interesting tidbit about that trip was that the day we departed from the states, there was an Alaska Airlines plane crash the previous day. The media was at the airport, and an AP guy took a picture of our family. The Alaska staff was tired, emotionally strained and quiet. On the plane, the stewardess couldn't get through her script without breaking up. We met people who had lost someone in the crash. 88 people died that day.

Trains

Isn't it funny how our senses can trigger the recall of things that happened to us in the past? For example, hearing trains early this morning brought back more than a few memories. I've always loved trains. I was born in San Diego and lived there for the first six years of my life. We lived on the side of a canyon, and back behind us, somewhere across the canyon, there was a train track. I can distinctly recall this old apple tree that I used to sit by, with my ear to the tree, listening to the train through the trunk.

I remember the first time I ever rode on a "real" train with my kids. We had an office of our Home Instead business in Modesto. Patrick had gone up to Modesto the day before, and I went up there on the train with Kelly (2) and Joe, who was about 6 months old, I think. Joe was in a car seat, I had the diaper bag, another bag full of work related materials, and Patrick's suit jacket, which he had forgotten at home. I hung up the suit jacket in a designated area, and then tried to figure out how to keep track of my active and independent daughter while keeping an eye on our things and Joe. By the time we reached Modesto, I was exhausted and frazzled. I got off the train (which only stopped briefly), pleased that I had managed not to lose anyone or anything, only to discover as the train prepared to pull away that I had forgotten Patrick's coat. Patrick was not known for being patient with forgetful people, and I started to panic and called out to the conductor to wait. I think he thought I forgot one of my kids on the train, because he stopped the train and obtained the coat for me. I was so grateful that I cried. Phew!

Another train memory I have is related to Joe. We were driving back from visiting my parents, and we were in Mojave. Joe was about 4 at the time, and he was completely obsessed with Superman. We had been talking on the trip about a scene in one of the Superman movies where he squeezes coal and makes it into diamonds. Joe was intrigued and wanted to know if coal really makes diamonds. I told him, yes, and explained how it worked. Then he insisted that he wanted coal for himself. We knew that coal sometimes fell off of the trains as they traveled, so when we stopped for fuel, we walked the track looking for coal. We found a few pieces and gave them to Joe. He actually gave one of those pieces to his friend Amanda, explaining that it could make a diamond. My friend Lora and I joke sometimes about her daughter and my son being engaged because he gave her a "diamond."

In June 2004, I took Kelly and Joseph to Washington, DC. I had never been there, but I wanted to go and I wanted Kelly and Joe to experience it. We rode the subways everywhere that we couldn't walk.  Because those subway stops were so fast and the doors closed so quickly, I was very anxious about one of the kids being left on the subway and had given them specific instruction about what to do if that happened. Fortunately, it never did! But I thought it did a few times, because one of the children would get behind me as we got off and I'd turn around to look for them and not see them. I always felt like my heart would jump out of my chest when I couldn't see them. We had a great time and saw lots of monuments and memorials, took the last tour of the capitol building before they closed it for President Reagan's funeral, and really loved being there.

My most recent memory was when I traveled to Hanford on the train with a leadership class. I was able to sit in the lead car and watch from the front of the train as we traveled through the valley. I loved it!

I've always dreamed of taking the kids on a cross country trip on the train. The cost of it is just too prohibitive with four kids, but maybe when I get rich....

The Chair

(This is a poem I wrote several years ago. Someday I'd like to write a short novel based on this.)

They talked and laughed -
Like crazy kids, grandpa said -
As wind swept the porch of the tiny town,
And they watched, she from her chair
With grandpa standing near,
As the desert sky - swept and swirled
Like a child's finger painting -
Filled with birds shooting
Into the round, red sun, and darkness
Put it's stubborn child to bed
And the sun behind naked mountains hid.
Then like giddy soldiers
They shared their battle of the day
And grandpa would such stories tell!
Then when telling was done,
They'd carry the chair toward home and bed.
The years swirled and swept by
And still year after year with their chair
Talking and laughing they climbed -
Like the warm sand they drifted -
Up the worn path to the top of the hill.
Now grandpa was the one to sit
And she watched quietly as his life faded
Like a vanishing dust cloud.
He ought to move, she thought aloud,
A little closer to where she lived
But he just nodded his shiny head
And watched the stars come out instead.