Moments that take your breath away

Wow, I guess it's been a while since I posted on this thing. Maybe it's time to make an entry!

Do your kids ever argue? It seems like all the people at my church have kids that have never argued. I used to think (before I was a mom) that MY children would never fight because I wouldn't LET them. I used to think that we would all keep our cool and be kind and gentle with each other. Then I had kids. Admittedly, the kids get along most of the time. Maybe even 90% of the time. But that 10% really gets to me!!! I have had a desire to increase peace and love in our home. Has it worked? It hasn't felt like it. It seems like I'm always herding cats when it comes to curbing contention. You just get one situation resolved and the next cat fight breaks out! Yet there are moments when I realize just how much my kids DO love each other. This last week, I've had a couple of those moments that reminded me that these children will eventually turn into human beings at some point; a few moments that took my breath away.

The first one was a few weeks ago. My son Joe is rather unique. He long ago gave up trying to fit in and has become really comfortable in his own skin. (We've lately been having some discussions about trying to fit in just a little more, since he's maturing and eventually has to fit in to a certain extent!) He's funny, energetic, focused on the typical super-smart, pre-teen things (boogers, things that make girls gag, things that blow up, the latest science fiction story), and as likely to break into poetry or song as the actors in a musical. He and his sisters ride the bus together, and his older sister Kelly is generally unhappy with Joe's rather unusual behavior. The other day, I dropped just Kelly and Joe off at the bus stop and took Laine with me to her school. As we were pulling away, Joe was dancing and singing (likely some really gross song, or the Smekday Calendar song, or something like that) in front of a horrified looking Kelly. All of a sudden, Laine laughs in a really tender way and says, "I really like Joe! He's so sweet and funny, and I like how he doesn't care what other people think. He's always himself. I wish I was more like him." This from my little socialite who is everyone's best friend. It really warmed my heart!

The next thing happened a few days ago. First, you have to know that Kelly and Johnny don't exactly get along. They have very similar personalities, and the less time Kelly and Johnny spend together, the more peaceful it is at home. Some days, I am convinced that they dislike each other so much, that it almost could be called hate. So imagine my surprise and joy when the following happened: I dropped Johnny off at school, and he was walking toward the sidewalk that takes him up to his school. He has to cross the exit that all the cars come out of before he gets to that sidewalk. I have taught him to put his hand up as he crosses, to make himself more visible as he does so. On this particular day, I was distracted with other kids in the car as he was making his way, and I happened to look up to see Kelly frantically rolling down her window and sticking her head and shoulders out, yelling at her brother to put his hand up as he crossed the driveway. Apparently he had forgotten. I was almost speechless. I watched as she smiled with relief as he put his hand up and marched across the driveway, and listened, amazed, as she said, "He almost forgot! He's so cute. I don't want him to die." Love, Kelly style. It takes my breath away. :-)

Then this morning! I dropped off the kids as usual in front of the school. Apparently Laine and Joe sit next to each other on the bus pretty often. When the kids got out of the car, Joe was a little ahead of Laine, and he turned around to wait for her. As she approached, he reached out his hand, and I watched with tears in my eyes as the two kids walked hand in hand to catch the bus. How sweet!!!!

Ahhh! These are the moments that remind me how much I love being a mom. There's hope for us yet, don't you think?

The Skies Above, The World Below

Call me weird, but I love the skies. I love to see the clouds move across them. I love to see them illuminated by light in front of them or behind them. I am entranced with the sun and moon and stars. I revel in sunsets and sunrises (the few I actually get my butt out of bed for, anyway). To me, the drama of the skies is a regular reminder of 1) how small I am, 2) how great God is and 3) that I'm really not putting my best effort into being the finest human being I can be. It humbles me!

My kids sometimes tease me because when I come back from my travels, if I've even remembered to take any photos at all, usually what I have is a bunch of pictures of the skies. This last weekend, I traveled to the Home Instead Senior Care leadership conference, where the Home Instead Senior Care Foundation has it's annual in-person board meeting. It was in the Cayman Islands, on Grand Cayman in the Caribbean. There, the skies were beautiful, the weather perfect, and the company outstanding. The owners of the company wanted to go someplace special this year because it was their 15th anniversary of starting the company, and they were offered a fantastic deal to take their large group to the Ritz Carlton. I never in my life thought that I would be staying at a Ritz Carlton, but there I was, hanging out in a place where everyone knew my name and my every request was handled quickly and with extreme professionalism.

Here's an image of the hotel, with a beautiful blue sky and some fast moving clouds as a backdrop. The Cayman Islands have workers from all over the world. Esther, the woman who did my nails, was from Nairobi, 25 years old and an expert in making guests at the Ritz feel and look beautiful. She has 4 siblings and her parents who all live in Nairobi. She can only work on this island for 7 years before she must go back for at least a year. She noted that there were people from Africa, Asia, Europe, the United States and many other places working at the Ritz.

While I was there, the moon was showing off, shining 30% brighter than at any other time according to what I heard on the telly (that's what they call the television there). It looked so huge up in the sky. See, it's not just the daytime skies that attract my attention....I love the night skies, too. I was really in awe of it. I tried to take some pictures of it with my camera. When I used flash, the picture didn't turn out well, so I tried to take a picture without flash. The picture you see here is grainy, and there was a nice effect caused by something on my lens, I guess. Proof that I need to really figure out how to take decent pictures with my camera at some point!

While I was in the Grand Cayman, I was able to see some very good friends of mine from my Home Instead days. It was great to see the people from the corporate office, who all feel like family to me, as well as my friends who are former or present owners of franchises. We were talking about our blessings and the various things that challenge us. It's amazing how these individuals have helped me through my life and continue to be such an inspiration to me. They are dear to my heart, just like Home Instead will always be.

On the last day before I left, I was treated to an

especially beautiful sunset. I think God was having a particularly good day that day!

I was sad to leave my little getaway, but very glad after 16 hours of travel that I was able to get back to see my children. I always miss them when we are apart. When we are driving or traveling together, I always point out the skies to them, and we discuss what it will be like to have the world be perfected someday. We just can't imagine how it could be more beautiful than it already is. But then, we can't imagine the richness of the blessings God has in store for us if we just keep our eyes looking upward. I need to have my focus directed upward a bit more often, I think. Love you all out there!!!!!!

Of Christmas

It's quiet in my house. You've no idea what that means unless you've been to my house with all the kids going all different directions. When they aren't here, I feel odd. The quiet hits me like a ton of bricks. If the kids have been trying, then the sudden stop is a relief. If all is well, then the quiet feels like a loss. But either way, after a while, the quietude is disconcerting. I enjoy the sounds of children. I love being a mom. I enjoy the bustle and three-ring circus-ness of it all.

In the quiet these last few days, I have been pondering the meaning of Christmas. I have been thinking about what it must have been like for Mary. She carried our Savior around inside of her body, just like I did with mine. When he was born, she must have anxiously examined him to be sure he was alright. Did she have trouble sleeping that first night, because she couldn't take her eyes off of him, in the same way that I couldn't sleep for looking at my babies when they were first born? And imagine what it must have been like the first time her little crawler scraped his knee...did she feel as guilty as I have felt when I've seen my little ones get hurt the first time? Did she ever have a grumpy moment at her son as he did all the mischievious things little boys do, or was she the perfect mom I always wanted to be but failed miserably at? If she did get mad, did she suddenly realize that she was mad at the Son of God?

It says in the scriptures that Mary kept all these things in her heart. She must have marveled at the role she was to play, maybe even been intimidated by it from time to time. Imagine how she must have felt when they realized he was missing! And as she watched him grow and develop, it must have been breathtaking and heart wrenching from a mother's perspective to witness all those moments. Is that something a person could get used to, being the mother of Jesus Christ?

Some people have said that Jesus wasn't like ordinary children. I don't know about that. I think about God and his love for us, and I believe that Jesus coming to earth as a child was as much a gift for Mary as it was an important part of Christ's earthly mission. Holding him in her arms, kissing away his tears, tending to his earthly needs, observing and teaching him as he grew...these are the gifts of a loving Father who knew a mother's heart. She must have been a very special, elect lady.

I treasure moments with my children, too...even though they are not quite angels most days. I store up the memories, the voices, the hugs and kisses and smiles, as insulation against the days when I know trials will come for them and for me. These treasures help me keep my perspective and love them even when they are not being their best. I guess that's what God does for me, too...stores up all the good things we do, knows us as our most perfect, innocent selves, and uses those things, that knowledge, to reach us when we are on wayward paths.

I am so grateful for the Savior. I am grateful for this season when I can celebrate the Father's selfless gift of his Son, the life and sacrifice of our Savior, and the blessing of being a parent. I am thankful for Christmas!

Thank you, Givers!

I have just finished reading and voting on 103 letters of inquiry affecting seniors for the Home Instead Senior Care Foundation. (www.homeinsteadseniorcarefoundation.org) Hard to believe we have given away over $700,000 to this point, and will likely pass $850,000 in 2009. We are coming up quickly on our million dollar mark...almost a million dollars given away to benefit seniors! I've been on the board for five years now, and I never get tired of the impact we have on bettering the lives of seniors around the country.

This is the way it works: the money comes from sales of Home Instead Merchandise, gifts from franchise owners and donations from other sources. Twice each year, the non-profit organizations submit letters of inquiry, basically a draft of a proposal they would like us to fund. The board members read the letters of inquiry independently, and vote for the ones they want to fund. Then the votes are tallied and the "winners" get invited to submit a full-fledged proposal. We read the proposals, vote again, and the winners get funded. We have donated money to non-profits to fund adult day health services, senior advocacy, alzheimer's, research, meals/grocery delivery, home repairs, Parkinson's, respite services, transportation, and other services.

We try to watch our expenses. All meetings take place on the phone, except once a year we meet simultaneously with the Home Instead Senior Care leadership conference.

It's one of the most rewarding things I get to do. I'm so glad I've had this opportunity to sit on the national board of this foundation, and help so many seniors. I feel really blessed that I get this chance to make a difference! The way we treat our seniors and the helpless in our society defines us. I'm glad to see so many organizations out there trying to make an impact in the lives of the seniors I love!

What is frightening is that with the current state of the ecomony, less people are giving to non-profits. I really hope that our citizens can find it in them to reach out to those who are less able to provide for themselves, and give time, money and means to help each other. We are all interconnected! When you help someone else, you are really helping yourself at the same time.

Hugs to all you givers out there!!!

April

Career Development Conference

I just got back on Sunday from Career Development Conference. This is a week long, specialized training that you actually have to qualify for from my employer. It is held in Dallas Texas at the American Airlines Training Center. The rooms are small enough that you can reach across the room from one wall to the other, practically. But apparently, I'm lucky, because it used to be that individuals shared rooms with THREE other people! And since all I did was sleep in my room, I guess the size is pretty much irrelevant. The food though, was outstanding! I really enjoyed not having to cook, clean or drive for the whole week.

Each day was motivational and educational in nature. Each day, there was an inspiring story of someone who overcame all the odds to achieve what others said was impossible. And there was direct, enthusiastic training on the difference between goals and desires and how to tell the difference. Knowing the difference is critical to succeeding. They should have put warning labels on the door to the auditorium, because I found myself touched and in tears nearly every day. I was amazed at the skill of the individuals who shared with us tactics for success. The cool thing is, it wasn't just career success...they challenged us to find balance, seek for joy, and look for our missions in life. It was truly amazing!

We also spent a large portion of each day in classes to talk about the "counselor approach." It emphasizes using our interpersonal skills to make sure that we are "solving problems" not just making a sale. One thing I rediscovered is how much I LOVE what I do. I needed that really badly at this point in the business. I have been working my tail off, and even though knew it was going to be a hard "row to hoe" from the start, I was hoping it would be a bit easier to get myself established. And no offense to the management of our office, because surely they must measure us in order to know if we are doing what we need to do to be successful, but I was seriously lacking the inspiration of what I was doing as we tended to focus on the numbers. Our company is about humanity, or so we are told...yet in my day to day interactions with those who represent the company to me, humanity seemed replaced by performance statistics. So I had been praying about finding the peace and inspiration that I needed to be successful...finding the humanity in what I was doing. Lo and behold...Look how God answers prayers!

I left the conference feeling happy and at peace. Succeed or fail with New York Life, I know that I have found skills and individuals that will have a lasting impact on my life, and hopefully on the lives of many that I meet. Will the miracle come? I don't know, but I know that I have done my best by putting on my shoes each day and doing what I need to do to be successful. I have tried to keep my priorities in order (a hard thing to do when it feels like EVERYTHING depends on me! It really depends on God...I just have to do the work. But how quickly I forget that!). I have been blessed in the journey. I know the miracle can come, because God is God. I need to surrender to his will and let come what may. :-)

Love to all of my pepsquad and nurturers of my soul out there! You lift me every day. Hugs!

The biggest oops.

I can't believe it happened. I am so bummed.

Believe it or not, I actually earned some money at New York Life this month, and I thought, I'm going to get a Wii for Christmas. I knew I had to buy it now, because by Christmas, there wouldn't be any left. So I bought it yesterday (after visiting only three stores!) while the kids were with their dad. It was in the back of the van covered with some work stuff. I thought about trying to bring it in the house, but I couldn't figure out where to hide it. Now that the kids are older, there is no place to put things that they might not accidentally stumble upon it. So this afternoon when I picked up the kids from school, I instructed them to sit in the middle row of the van, and proceeded to help Laine with something as she got in the car. Well, the boys didn't listen and climbed in the back seat, leaning WAY over the back, and Joe got a glimpse of the Wii, and said it aloud. My secret was out.

I was so mad! Because they were disobedient, they ruined my surprise. I told them that since they were disobedient, I was going to take it back to the store. Naturally, this was followed by much wailing and gnashing of teeth. After a while, guilt got to me, and I had to admit that the fault was mine. I should have properly hidden the thing before they got back, notwithstanding the fact that I was working all day. I had to apologize to everyone for losing my cool, and take back my threats of buying plastic harmonicas for Christmas since my Christmas money had now been spent on a November surprise. But what the heck am I going to do for Christmas???

Maybe it will have to be socks and underwear under the tree. One thing's for sure...I know I'm getting some coal in my stocking. Bad momma...bad, bad momma!

We did have a great time trying out the Wii tonight though! I really like it because we get to move as we play! And I invested in Wii Fit for me, though I'm sure the kids will want to play with it too.

Get out and VOTE!

I am exercising my rights as an American Citizen tomorrow...I am voting for the candidates of my choice, I am choosing which propositions I support, I am letting my voice be heard!

Never more than today, in time of war and conflict where friends and strangers fight for the freedoms of people I've never met, what better way to express gratitude for the country I live in, the freedoms others have fought and died for, than to get out there and VOTE!

I have always considered myself lucky to live here in the USA. I was really blessed to be born here. (I would have been a real trouble maker anywhere else.) When I read in the newspaper about others who live in countries where trouble and turmoil and the trampling of rights is rampant, I think about how much our country needs to be humbled by the great men and women who made our life in this country what it is. Too many Americans quarrel over inconsequential details, and imagine themselves wronged by so many minor indiscretions. The world over, there are still people who struggle for basic human rights, for a quality of life that they may never have.

I cannot change the rest of the world. The only place I can affect is my little corner of the universe. I try to do that by being the best I can be (or making an effort at it, at least), by fulfilling my responsibilities as a citizen, by exercising the privilege of voting, and by helping in small ways to make tiny contributions to making the world better. I'm darn lousy at it most days, to be perfectly honest...but it's like learning to play the piano...If at first, you sound terrible, practice, practice, practice. If you give up at the first wrong note, you'll never play that song. But if you keep it up, who knows what kind of music you can make?

Here's hoping that together, we can make a symphony!!!

Voices

Perhaps when the phone rings, you think, "telemarketer." Or maybe you think, "Not now...!" Sometimes we look at the caller ID and opt not to answer the phone. But isn't it wonderful how much the right voice on the other end of the phone can mean? A pick-me-up, a sudden jolt of light into a dark day, the feeling of being hugged in our hearts?

How much energy we project into our voices, the love we let creep into our tone, the warmth we let encircle those we love as we speak to them...all of those amazing things can make someone's day. Isn't it funny that we can recognize those we care about as soon as we hear that first breath? With so many of us living distant from those who are important to us, how lucky we are to have the telephone.

In Sunday school this week, we were discussing letters. I love getting letters in my mailbox. It's fun to see a hand-written note! And they are great to keep for posterity. But when it comes to the day to day grind, receiving a phone call from a friend or family member who expresses love and concern and just the right amount of "kick in the pants" can make all the difference in the world.

There are some voices I can hear in my head as I'm wrestling with things. And no, I'm not crazy...it's just that certain people have proven over and over again to have the right perspective, or the perfect way of expressing tenderness and/or caring, or a certain tone to their voice that helps me reconnect to things. I can hear, for example, Bishop Wadsworth's voice from time to time. Bishop Martin crosses my mind pretty frequently when I'm in need of a smile or feeling like someone cares. Holly's voice comes through loud and clear when I need to be calmed or refocused. Believe it or not, I sometimes hear former President Ronald Reagan's voice when I'm thinking about what makes our country great (he had such a great speech writer!). So many people to love! And I'm so grateful for all the ways in which each life touches mine. Today when I was meeting with a client, she said she believed everyone she's ever met has crossed her path for a reason. She is so right! My life (my crazy, mixed up, insanely hectic life) has been blessed by so many wonderful individuals!

A friend of mine messaged me yesterday that my ward is my family, and my strength, and my support. How right she is! And all the voices from each of you that have given me peace, hope friendship, love, understanding, kindness and energy...each of you are my course-correctors, even when we don't actually get to talk. Thank you so much for the joy you bring into my life!!!!!

Sleepless in Fresno

I spent the day yesterday being publicly called names and had my personal life blasted all over the internet by my brother's partner. Emails flew back and forth as my brother and his partner sent hate mail to me, attacking me for trying to take away their civil rights. I guess I know a little now what it's like to run for public office. :-)

What I tried to make a message of love has been received as a message of hate. What I tried to express to my brother in private as my right as an American to disagree with his viewpoint (in response to his PUBLIC request for me to do so on facebook) has turned into a public roast. Despite knowing that I am on the correct side of this issue morally speaking, it kills me to have my family ostracize me and treat me so disrespectfully. My family may never be the same. And though because of my religious beliefs, I am used to being the "odd one out," I don't know that we will ever have the same level of interaction again. It makes me feel really sad, and very alone. I probably should get used to that.

I just don't get what my patriarchal blessing says...that I will be a srength to my family. All I've done with my choices is cause my family to accept me less and less, even though I am trying my best to live a moral life.

Once again, the only one I can count on to pull me through is my Father in Heaven. Maybe that's the purpose of such isolating experiences...to teach us to rely on him more perfectly.

Today

Wow...what a day today has been. Is anyone else just completely wiped out? I feel so exhausted I can barely move. Still, when you're a single mom and building your own business, having the luxury of checking out for a day (or a week, which is what I feel like) is just not an option.

Today, I was a "guinea pig" for the managers at NYL. I was asked to be the agent interviewed by the trainer that teaches the managers at New York Life. Mind you, this is in front of my boss, four managers, the training manager, and another observer there at NYL. I have to admit, the thought filled me with panic. I guess I have a bit of a deficiency complex already...I'm trying to do a full time job in a part time schedule, still trying against all hope to be a mom first, even though I have to work, too. Part of why I selected NYL was that it would allow me to be flexible. However, the typical agent works 50-60 hours a week, and has most evenings filled to capacity with appointments. I knew I couldn't and didn't want to do that. I knew that meant that I needed to work with businesses, which are the most difficult clients to work with because they take much longer. But since I needed day-time activity, it was a route I was prepared to try. And building the business has been slow for me, but I figured if it was meant to be, it would happen over time. Hopefully God would bless my efforts and help me along the way. I have had small successes, and it's been growing, slowly.

So I had to slay my perfectionism dragon, right there in front of everyone. I was honest about my limitations and areas of weakness. Now everyone knows how awful I really am! Yikes! Truthfully, it wasn't as horrible as I imagined through my sleepless night last evening. And I did learn some things that will help me in my business. Ultimately, it made me grateful that I have this opportunity, and reaffirmed for me that I was putting forth my best effort given my circumstances. All the things I have accomplished have been as a result of being committed to being a mom first, working hard to learn and do all I can, and giving the rest over to God. Ultimately, I know that any success I have isn't my success, it's because God saw fit to bless me.

I guess it all comes back to hope...I know that during my most difficult times, I learned that all the things we need for salvation are really just gifts from God...faith, hope, charity, the atonement. There is nothing we can do to earn these gifts. Even our best efforts are never really our best...we could always have done better. So I know that if I generally head in the right direction, as screwed up as I am and as fault-filled as I am, and try to be repentant, humble and teachable, he can make up any difference. And if that's true with something as important as our eternal destinies, doesn't it make sense that he will bless us with all that we need on this earth as well? It may not be in the way we expect, but then, we seldom see things as perfectly as he does, with an eye toward our personal growth. It's okay....I trust him.

"Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?" - Matthew 6:30