Letting People In

While I'm usually up front about discussing the challenges I've faced in my life (because I hope it will be helpful to others going through difficulties) I generally don't let people see the pain and loss I've experienced or share with them the contents of my heart. So much of what I've gone through in my life is intensely personal. It involves people that others may or may not know, and I am cautious about not coloring the opinions of others. Some of the more spiritual things that I experienced during this time were just for me, in the sense that it wouldn't be appropriate to share unless it were with my spouse or in the case of being inspired to share with a specific person. And I've learned the hard way that others can be judging without knowing the whole picture, so I'm naturally cautious about letting people in.

Many of the people I let in have moved away. There remain a few people locally who know my story, who were with me through some of these situations. However, I truly feel alone in the sense that right now, I have no one to share my heart with, the thoughts I have, or to accompany me on this spiritual journey. I realized this week that this summer will mark eight years that I've been alone. Of course, I felt for a long time prior to the actual separation that I was alone, but even the illusion of having someone felt oddly comforting. 

I attended a funeral last week, and it made me think about what kind of mark I've left on the world. I struggle with a myriad of fears about the direction my life is and will be taking. I guess I'm feeling pensive about a number of things, and I'm longing to have someone to discuss them with. Prayer will have to be the only avenue for now, and my Father in Heaven my only confidant. Naturally, he's the best confidant and source of comfort. Nevertheless, the human part of me wants a person to share all of this with. We'll have to wait and see!