Up and Coming

The last weeks of school are always a bit nuts. Johnny has a concert June 5th and a "Heroes Night" at Manchester on June 6th. Laine has a concert performance coming up, too, but we're unsure of the date (though most likely it will happen on the same day as one of Johnny's events--that's how it usually works). Her open house is tomorrow night at 5:30 at her school. (By the way, Laine tried out for next year's concert choir and she made it easily. Her teacher says she has great range, hitting both high and low notes, and told her she could pick whether she wanted to be soprano or alto next year. Yay!)

Also in June, Erin will be graduating from UC Davis with her degree in Communications. We've been on the phone making plans like crazy for that event. I'm really looking forward to her being finished with her degree!

The first week after school lets out, EFY begins. This year, only Joe is going because Kelly has summer school. She will have two classes the first two weeks and one class the second two weeks. She will also be doing waterpolo, which she's very excited about.

Girl's camp and Scout Camp happen the same week...the week of the 4th of July. The only one stuck here at home with me will be Johnny! I wish there was a way he could go with his brother, but his dad can't go with him, so he's not allowed. I may see if I can drive him up a few days during camp.

In August, Kelly and Joe will be going to Cambria. Fun times for them! Laine won't be old enough until next year. 

Somewhere in there, we need to squeeze in some camping. I need to get away from the Fresno heat, which kills me every summer. Our calendar is filling in rapidly!

These Moments

First night away from the kids in forever, and I watched "Hope Floats" on netflix. Okay, so my choice of genres leaves a lot to be desired, but I had a few moments tonight that I wanted to share.

In one of the scenes of the movie, Birdee is talking about how she kept trying to make herself what she thought her husband wanted. She said a line that made me weep. She said, "And one day, I looked and I was gone." Ah, that pierced my heart. I remember that.

There was a day when I sat on the floor of my closet crying my eyes out because I didn't know who I was or how to be me any more. I sacrificed my self-respect, my autonomy in the name of love, not realizing that what I was doing was anything but loving of myself.  I remember the day when I sat in class with a guest speaker, who was speaking to the young women of our ward about how they needed to be true to themselves, that God created each of them with a unique purpose, talents, insights, and that each of us are needed as ourselves to bless the lives of each other and fulfill God's plan for us. I had the overwhelming feeling that God wanted me to be the me he created, but I had no idea who that was. And this thought...the only person we are meant to sacrifice ourselves to and give our will to is God. None other.

I did know that I had this desperate vacuum in my life. I felt devoid of joy, lost in chaos, and consumed with the thought that nothing was worthwhile, that I wasn't worthwhile. Despite my profound love for my children, I was dangerously close to making an irrevocably bad decision. Fortunately for me, I had been attending church, and praying more fervently than I had ever prayed before. I was scared of my thoughts, scared of the black hole that I felt was swallowing me up. But my loving Father in Heaven threw me a lifeline. Many, in fact, since I missed the first hundred by having my eyes closed.

It has taken a surprisingly long time to find my way back to myself. I still haven't "arrived," but I know I'm closer than ever before. I discovered much to my astonishment that I mattered to God, and that looking after myself and standing up for myself was okay and not selfish. I have been blessed to discover strengths and talents that I didn't know I possessed. I began rediscovering joy by sliding down a hallway in my socks and I keep rediscovering it on a regular basis. I've learned that as a "whole"-er person, I can love others better than I could in my dysfunction.

Watching that scene in the movie reminded me of the journey, and it made me feel a bit melancholy, so I did what I always do when I'm feeling melancholy. I went outside. I walked in my orchard area to check on the chickens. I walked under the fruit trees well over 8 feet tall that were just twigs stuck in the ground five years ago, and looked at the beautiful foliage, all kissed by the setting sun. I looked at the bounty that the Lord provided my family on my peach, nectarine, plum and apricot trees. I looked at the grapes just forming and growing in my little vineyard. I felt the wonderful Fresno evening breeze and listened to my baby chicks and poults in their pens, begging for treats. I watched my hens scratch at the ground for every bit of goodness they could find. I felt the love and attentiveness of my Father in Heaven.

And standing there by my apricot tree, while I searched earnestly for a ripe piece of fruit, I discovered something amazing. When an apricot is ripe, it needs no twisting or pulling to come off the branch. You put your hand on it and nudge it, and it falls right into your palm. I think I'm still on the branch, still ripening. The Lord has work for me to do, and when I am ready, he will nudge me and I will fall trustingly into the palm of his loving hand, where he can put me to work, hopefully bringing sweetness into the lives of others.

Birthday Fun

Today was my birthday, and in the words of one of my friends, I'll be enjoying my 20's for many, many years to come!! Ha ha!

I started the day off with some housework and tidied up a bit. I got the kids up for seminary and while they were getting ready, I studied the Gospel Doctrine lesson for Sunday during my scripture study time. I made arrangements to have lunch with a friend whose birthday is the day after mine, and took everyone to school.

I began setting some goals for the year in terms of physical and spiritual health, and what I want to accomplish before my next birthday. Here's a peak:

-Finish my bachelor's degree
-Take the GRE and the CBEST
-Apply to and be accepted into a graduate program
-Get back in the habit of intensive scripture study every day
-Go hiking at least once a month (I need to find a hiking buddy)
-Be able to run 6 miles (non-stop)
-Be 20 pounds lighter, minimum
-Launch a business that can sustain my children and I while I attend school

There's more, but I don't want to bore you!.

I spoke to a friend for a while on the phone who lives in Washington, DC. I enjoyed talking with him and hearing about what's going on in his life.

I went to lunch with my friend and immediately afterward, went to the temple to clean. After that, it was time to pick up the kids and head home. I let the kids fend for themselves, playing on their computers and watching videos, while I slept to make my migraine go away. (The migraine was a result of two things: a toothache and a friend of mine giving me flowers with lilies in them...did not realize that I'm allergic to them and that they give me migraine headaches almost instantly.) Then the kids brought me some birthday fun, including a gift certificate from target, thanks to their dad. (Yay! Now maybe I can get the kids new sheets for their beds.) I picked up our Friday night pizza from Papa Murphy's and the staff there gave me half off for my birthday. I was going to make this delicious coconut cake that my friend Dianna introduced me to for my birthday, but I didn't have coconut extract, so I decided to settle for LOTS of rocky road ice cream instead. My first ice cream in months!

Then I went to sleep. Pretty exciting day, huh? :) Really, I feel very blessed. I had over a hundred people wish me a happy birthday on facebook. I was surrounded by my children, and we have food to eat, clothes to wear, a home to live in, pets to love and friends near and far. All is well!

Feeling Happy

I have a new man in my life. He's much younger than me. And he's probably the cutest guy I know. He sleeps with me every night, and wakes me every morning feeling very playful and loving. He follows me everywhere I go, even into the bathroom. He loves to bring me socks. More than that, he loves to leap off the bed, retrieve the socks, and bring them back to me. He talks to me in the sweetest little voice. When I kneel down to pray, he lays across my folded arms and purrs his little heart out. I like to think he's offering his own little prayer. He knows when the alarm is going to go off in the morning and he wakes me a few minutes before it does, insisting on his own little snuggle time before I race into my day. When the alarm goes off, he leaps onto my phone and attacks it, trying to make it stop being obnoxious. He's funny and plain irresistible. He's my kitty.

I'm also happy because my migraine is gone. It was so bad yesterday that I couldn't really see, and every light, every movement, every sound, every smell made me want to vomit. And in the midst of that, I had to drive Johnny to his school and attend his open house. I thought I would die. When we finally got home, I immediately went to bed. Laine made dinner and cleaned the kitchen and gathered everyone for prayer and scripture study around my bed. I feel very blessed and happy.

I started my day by studying the talk "Sacrifice" by Elder Dallin H. Oakes from the recent conference. It's the relief society lesson for Sunday, and even though I'm not in relief society because of my calling in the primary presidency, I wanted to read it and see what things the Lord wanted me to know. I learned quite a bit, and I've committed to make some changes...starting with having a better attitude about family home evening. I need to find a way to make it a pleasure instead of the painful experience it usually is. While some days it is wonderful, there are days when FHE is done strictly out of obedience, nothing more, and I hate it on those days. Changing this is important so that my children will someday want to do FHE with their own children.

I'm happy that when I checked my grades this morning, I discovered that I have a 4.0 for the semester. Frankly, there were days when I just didn't believe I could survive it. There were so many demands on my time from my family and my calling that it just seemed impossible that I could get all my homework done and studying accomplished. Yet with the Lord's help, and my determination to put first things first, I did survive, and I did well! I worked throughout the semester at the Bishop's storehouse. People there kept asking me why I didn't use the time I spent at the storehouse to study, especially when I had tests immediately following the time I spent there, and the only way I can explain it is that it's consecrated time and works for me kind of like paying my tithing. When I serve the Lord, I can never give more time to him than he returns to me. The one and only time I stayed home to study instead of going to the storehouse on a test day, I got the lowest test score of the semester for that class. I've learned to have faith that putting service to the Lord first will bless all of my other efforts immeasurably.

I'm happy that I have friends in my life who are tremendous examples of faith. Particularly Rita and Mike as they deal with Mike's cancer, they continue to have an upbeat, happy demeanor. Their love for each other and devotion to one another gives me hope that there are people out there who can and do make marriages work. I'm so grateful! Even though the love of my life right now is my cat, I'm learning to have faith that the Lord will bring someone into my life at the right time. In the meantime, I need to make myself ready.

Oh, my head!

Migraines.

Every day since school let out.

NOT GOOD.

Eclipse

Today was Sunday, which already made the day an awesome one. Sunday is my favorite day of the week!

It was made even better because Erin and Nick were in town visiting. Yay!! Our home is always more fun when they're here, and we all feel happy together.

We were able to go to church and partake of the sacrament. During Primary, Johnny was picked to be spotlight. (He showcased his sense of humor: What he likes to wear: clothes. What he likes to eat: food. His favorite part of primary: The end. He wants to be an astrophysicist when he grows up (that part isn't funny...it's true!)! Afterward, we had breakfast for dinner (pancakes and bacon). We needed something fast because today God had arranged special entertainment. And for my little astrophysicist, the BEST kind of entertainment: An annular eclipse!

The moon crossed between us and the sun beginning about 5:30. It reached it's peak at about 6:30, and was all over by 7:30. We gathered on the lawn in the back yard, equipped with cardboard with holes, a piece of paper for projecting the image onto, welding glasses and several sets of sunglasses, and cameras. While we were not in the path of the "ring of fire" effect, we were very excited about what we were going to witness.

My kids were sorely disappointed that there wasn't a bunch of people outside to witness the eclipse. Nevertheless, they watched the shadow of the moon moving across the landscape and were thrilled. Particularly as the eclipse progressed, the shadows began doing strange things...little crescent shapes began to be projected on the ground and walls. We tried getting photos using Kelly's camera through the lens of the welding glasses. I'm still trying to recover those photos and I'll post them when I can. I posted one I took at the church building when I went to a fireside.

At 6:45 I left the kids to attend the single adult fireside, which was truly amazing. Have you ever attended a talk and felt like the message was just for you? I certainly did. The brother that spoke seemed to be boring a hole deep into my soul with his words and his piercing glances. I was most grateful to have attended!

All in all, it was a great Sunday! The whole day, I kept thinking that God is pretty amazing. :)

Our Saturday

The kids and I were up at 7. I felt a little spacey, personally, since I had a severe allergy attack last night and had trouble breathing (and sleeping) for a few hours.

This morning, we went to clean the chapel at 9 am. The only person who didn't go was Johnny because he had a camp out yesterday. (I checked him out of school early to get him ready for it, and we still just barely got ready in time.)

After cleaning the chapel, I set the kids to cleaning their bedrooms, then cleaned up the kitchen. 

At 11 I had a quilting class at the chapel. It's a skill I really want to learn, but it looks like it might be an expensive one, so I stayed after class to ask about how to cut costs on my first project.

I dropped a prescription request off at CVS then went to pick up Johnny out at Lost Lake. He really loved his campout, even though he complained about the thorns in his sock, and uncomfortable sleeping area, and animals coming around the campground. He was also terribly thirsty. (Note to self: Next time, make sure Johnny brings more water! It wasn't even on the list...I insisted that he bring some and it's a good thing I did.)

After that, a baptism for Jacob Young, a young man in primary. Baptisms are always fun!

Kelly and some friends are planning on heading to the dance tonight, so I will be playing taxi again later. I guess I'll be cleaning some more for the rest of the day, and drawing up a plan for one of my consulting clients. Not exactly the kind of celebratory weekend I had in mind, but maybe it will do. :)

I'm looking forward to the Single Adult fireside tomorrow night. It's one of my favorite monthly activities!

Notes

I finally decided to give up the battle. I was spending money every month for Laine's piano lessons (which I'm happy to do if she's working at it), and she wasn't practicing and instead was complaining every day about her lessons. I have too much on my plate to keep after her about lessons, and right now, the money I've been spending on lessons can be used elsewhere (like the recent increase in my health insurance). She still has ongoing musical training as part of the concert choir at her school, which she's trying out for again next year, so I'll have to satisfy myself with that.

Johnny has been learning to play clarinet in school this year. The performances have been amazing! It turns out he has a natural musical ability with the clarinet, but he doesn't want to play any more after as soon as school is out. In fact, he would have quit this year except for the fact that I told him he had to make good on his promise to stick with it for the school year. I'm frustrated to see a child who has a talent like that not pursue it, and I hoped that a year of gradual improvement, performing and seeing his own progress would encourage him to continue, but it doesn't appear that it worked.

On the other hand, Kelly and Joe are loving their music. Kelly is learning to play piano and although she doesn't practice every day, she does practice often and has a lot of natural ability. It's a pleasure to pay for lessons when I can see that she loves it! And I love hearing her trying to work out a song by ear.

Joe's instrument of choice is guitar. He has both an electric guitar and an acoustic guitar. Lately he's been working really hard on learning to play, which is a pleasure. If he's not working on homework, then he's usually practicing. He looks up videos and stuff on the internet and is working on getting his callouses so that he can play for longer periods of time. He says this summer he wants to learn play really well. Makes a mom happy!

Done, done, done!!

Yay! I finished all of my finals! I feel like having a party. Who's with me??

Results coming in now...

So far, my grades are trickling in...

I earned an A in both of my gerontology classes, an A in my Developmental Psychology class, and an A in my Social Psychology class.

I took the final in Cognition this morning. Dr. Sharps says he will post the grades by tomorrow afternoon at the latest. I feel I earned an A or a B on my final exam, so my grade could be an A or a B in the class. We'll see.

Next up, ABA - 200 point comprehensive essay exam. Ugh. Fortunately, I only need to get 12 points on the exam to get an A in the class. I must confess, I didn't study much for this final, or rather, I don't think I've retained much of my studying for this final because of having six finals this week. Oh, well. It will be a blow to my ego if I don't do well, but I seriously doubt I'll get less than 12 points.