Enjoying the Journey

I'm going to let you in on a few secrets about me when I was young. Shhhh...don't tell anyone!

I used to read the ends of books first. (gasp!)

Oh, and here's another one...I started my mazes from the finish line. (No!)

I'm a planner. Though not always organized, I always had a plan for every situation. And because of some very bad things that happened to me in my life, I always had one or more back up plans. I wanted to know the end from the beginning. Now Stephen Covey will tell you this is a good thing. And in certain ways, it is good. But there are some experiences, particular benefits that come from facing the unknown.

I've been facing the unknown for many years now.  Multiple unknowns, in fact. I might even go so far as to say countless, but mostly because I'm too lazy to add them all up. Let me tell you, with all those uncertainties staring you down, giving you sleepless nights and anxiety attacks, you come to realize that not every unknown thing is an enemy. That many things you do not know are neutral, and some are even positive. There is growth in uncertainty. There are gifts and treasures that you might not expect. One of those for me has been that I have come to savor the journey a bit more. When there's no endpoint to focus on, or the endpoint is shifting or unclear, then the journey becomes your focus.

Some of those joys have been people to love and finding people who love me in spite of my faults. Realizing that I'm not a complete failure (which came as a surprise to me after many, many years of feeling like and being told I was a failure). Discovering a head for business and a heart for service within me. Rediscovering my children and the joy they bring me, a deepening of my faith and my reliance on the Lord. Obtaining some healing and release from old, harmful patterns of thoughts that were leading me daily to an unthinkable end.

Even in the midst of major losses (my marriage, friends moving away, a friend and several family members who died, losing all the businesses I had ever owned, etc), I discovered that moments of peace and evidences of the Lord's tender mercies surrounded me. The beauty of the earth and God's love notes all over it would sometimes go unnoticed when I was fixated on my plan. Without my plan, and trusting in God's plan, the world would jump up and tap me on the shoulder when I was least expecting it, with a message just for me that often took my breath away. Breezes that stirred my wind chimes, orange dragonflies that hovered close to my head, glimpses of wildlife, stunning scenery, beautiful sunrises and skies...these hold meaning beyond the mundane when my heart is open.

It took facing the unknown for my heart to open. I had tucked it away where it couldn't get hurt anymore. A few people had snuck past my defenses, but I was wary from trampling. I had to learn who I could trust my heart to. I learned new ways of thinking about myself and others. I faced hard truths about myself, like my tendency to be attracted to people who were harmful to me. After learning trust, I learned to hope, something I had given up on without even realizing it. Through this process, I found this irrepressible, exciting  feeling called joy!

I find it hard still, sometimes, to resist the pull of wanting to know the end from the beginning. ("But what's going to happen??? Where is all of this leading?" Can you hear the whining? LOL) All I really need to know is where I want to end up eternally, and who I need to be like to get there, and that the Lord is there to support me through this, the journey of my life, come what may. Wow, there's so much work to be done. This seems trite, but it's really not...we can't change the past, and as hard as we might try, our tomorrows are always just beyond our reach. It's really only today that the work can be done, in the present that we love, live, forgive, laugh and give. The journey is made up of todays. Why not seek to find joy in the journey?

Family Fun

I brought my boys "Del Taco" today for lunch and made their day! I gave Kelly a bit of money so she could treat a friend to lunch at school. And I took Laine with me on a lunchtime errand to buy origami paper for one of her classes, so we shared a burrito bowl from Chipotle in the car.

Later today, we'll be going to get chocolate...my personal favorite!

I'm so grateful for my kids, for the love that they give me every day, and I'm so thankful that caring for them helps me to be a better person. Someday I'd like to share my Valentine's Days and every day with someone really special...an eternal companion. But for now, sharing my days with my sweet children brings me amazing joy!

I discovered some interesting things while preparing this post. I looked at my blog statistics and discovered much to my surprise that I have readers in 10 different countries and 34 states. I thought very few people actually read my blog. Makes me wonder what's attracting them to my page! I maintain this blog so that out of town family and friends can keep up on what's happening in our lives. With our personal and professional connections, I've made friends all over the place. Still, I was shocked that we had that many readers so geographically diverse! I actually make the blog entries and then copy the entries into my personal electronic journal. I'm a very bad journal keeper, but I think it's easier when I'm writing for a real audience to be more consistent.

Anyway, thank you for visiting my blog. I hope I don't get all self-conscious now that I know people are reading it. :-)

Love

This is my Valentine message to all the people who love my children. If you love my children enough to smile at them, call them by name, and say something nice to them, you are on my good list. If you love them enough to offer them specific encouragement and appreciate their talents and overlook their faults, then I love you!!! If you love them, teach them, support them and sacrifice for them, you are in my heart forever.

Some people who say they love my children comment on their weight, their faults, haircuts, their need to improve. I love you, too, but let me just say, they have enough people giving them negative feedback and criticism in their lives. What they need (what we all need) is the uplifting word, the shining moment of approval that can give them the courage and strength to address correcting the problems that they're already intimately aware of. They need to know they are loved, then with the buoyancy that comes from love, they can be lifted up enough to see better how to BE better.

Thank you, to each of you who lift us up with love. We love you!

Hip, Hip, Hooray!!

We just found out that Joe got into Bullard High. Hooray!!! Since we're in the Fresno High area, we were holding our breath until his transfer was approved. This will make life much simpler next year, and he'll be in a great school. See? God answers prayers! We were praying hard for this blessing. Thank you, Heavenly Father!

Geography

You know what's really cool? Geography! I think it's fascinating. The solar nebula theory, plate techtonics, and how subduction makes volcanoes in addition to how plate movement causes earthquakes...it's exciting and very interesting to me. I love that there are still many things to learn about the geography of our planet. I'm really enjoying my class. Can you tell?

Blessings Unnumbered!

I've been reflective since returning from Omaha. While there, I attended a board meeting where we were able to make decisions about which organizations would benefit from the money accumulated in the foundation. We're approaching a million dollars officially given away! I feel so blessed I that I get to participate in this process. I am humbled that the decisions we make as a group bless so many lives.

We are able to provide food to the elderly, provide respite care to caregivers worn out from the daily stresses of caring for others, supply necessary equipment and supplies to seniors who are in the position of having to choose between these essential items and food, repair homes that have fallen into disrepair, facilitate transportation to and from doctors' appointments and therapy...the list goes on and on. Seniors all across North America are benefiting from the work the foundation does.

It feels so good to be an instrument in doing good in the world! I just love helping people and I'm hopeful that someday I'll be able to establish my own foundation/non-profit.

Freezing!

I'm heading to Omaha next week and I checked the weather...4 degrees on the day I get there and the next day, warming up to 7 degrees on the last day of my visit. Overnights it will drop into negative territory. Brrrr!!! I have very few cold weather clothes in my closet, and I had to go out and buy a few things so I don't die of exposure.

It reminded me of when Kelly was a baby, about 4 months old. We went to Portland on business in January. I frantically packed tons of layers of clothing for Kelly, plus blankets and socks. I was so concerned that she would be cold. When we arrived at the airport in Portland, the announcer said it was negative 12 degrees outside as I grabbed our suitcase off of the baggage claim carriage. I put layer after layer on my little girl, her hat and her coat, and then reached into the suitcase to find a sweater or a coat for myself. It was then that I realized that I hadn't even packed a long sleeve shirt for myself, much less the sweater and coats I knew I would be needing in five minutes.

When I stepped outside, I couldn't believe how cold it was. My back seized up with shivers and only the front of my body where I was clutching Kelly to me was the slightest bit shielded from the bitter cold wind. I couldn't even speak because I was so cold. Fortunately it was only about 11 pm, and we were able to find a Walmart open to buy a coat and a sweater, but that whole trip I was the coldest I have ever been. I discovered back at the hotel that I hadn't packed even an extra pair of socks! The silly adventures of a new mom. :-) Remind me to tell you sometime about the first time I discovered the importance of ALWAYS making sure you have a diaper bag.

Another Family Photo

Here's a photo my mom posted on facebook today of my grandfather with five of his children on a scooter. You can see the desert in the background. What a crazy photo! As my mom says, it's a wonder those tires held up.

Busy Days

I always chuckle when someone says, "Oh, the kids are at their dad's? You get to rest!" Hahahahahahahahaha. Saturday morning, I awoke at 7 am to discover that my heater was working. It's been broken for a week and it finally decided to start working overnight. I was VERY happy, but it's ironic that it started on a day when I was certainly not going to be home much. Patrick dropped Laine off at my house at 8 so she could get ready to go to the performance of her play at 9. After I took her to school, I came home and prepared to go shopping for the lunch of the cast and crew. I checked my email and discovered that I had forgotten about a baby shower taking place that afternoon. I checked my calendar and realized I had the missionaries coming for dinner. I also had to call some people first to be sure that they would be available to assist with the lunch, then headed to Costco.

I ordered 14 pizzas and obtained fruits, veggies, and dessert. I drove home quickly and cut up the citrus for lunch and went back to Costco to pick up the pizzas. At the school, I carried all the food in and set it up with the help of my able assistants. Several of the cast assured me that they would love me forever for bringing pizza. After all 50 or so people had eaten their fill, we cleaned up and I drove back home. As soon as I got home, one of Kelly's teachers contacted me with a concern, and after discussing it with her, I contacted Kelly and initiated the discussion about how to rectify the situation. After that, I put the dogs in their kennel and let the chickens out.

I then quickly wrapped gifts for the baby shower and headed over to Kirstin's house for Lupe's celebration. There I had fun socializing with great women, and was touched by Lupe's excitement for the gospel, for this new baby, and by her sad experience with losing a baby previously. I am amazed and humbled at the way our faith can strengthen and bless us through even such horrible losses as losing a baby.

During the shower, the missionaries informed me that they needed to go to an unexpected appointment and wondered if they could come at 5:45 instead of at 5. Since I had a friend coming at 6:15 to accompany me to the adult session of conference, I told them that it would have to be VERY quick! I called Keith to see if he could be my chaperone for dinner. My phone stopped working suddenly, and since it's brand new, I dropped by on the way home from the shower to see if the store could repair it. Fortunately, they were able to correct the problem, and I went straight to the grocery store.

I knew I had pilaf and rolls in the freezer, so I purchased carrots and a precooked chicken and went home. I immediately made brownies and put them in the oven while I got the rice and rolls ready for the oven, heated the water for the carrots, and set the table. I didn't have time to wash the dishes from the day or clean the boys' room before they arrived. I ran out to check on the chickens and let the dogs out. Dinner was ready a few moments before the missionaries arrived. We sat down and ate, and then Janine arrived just as we were saying a prayer before the missionaries left.

Janine and I went to the adult session of conference, and there was so much good stuff! I always enjoy the music. The men's quartet sang "Come Thou Fount" which is one of my favorite songs of all time. It's like the song of my soul...I see my own weakness, propensity to be sinful and hard-headed and inability to accomplish anything on my own, and I know I need the Savior to "bind my heart" to him and help me be better. The talks were all wonderful, and I enjoyed hanging out with Janine and eating pie afterward.

It was a busy day! By the time I got home at 9:30, I realized there were still about ten things I should have done but didn't, and I was too tired (or it was just too late) to accomplish them. I read my scriptures and fell asleep by 10:30. That's how I rest when I don't have the kids. :-)

Little Surprises

Last evening, my son Joe came to me as I was working and asked if he could tell me something. I told him, "Sure!" and gave him my full attention. He then reported to me what he was working on  for "Duty to God" and gave me an action plan for things he wanted to do to make progress on his three goals. One of those things was to do "Acts of Random Kindness" (he likes the abbreviation ARK). He decided that one of his ARKs would be to roll in the garbage cans for his brother. I then challenged him to look around and find more things to do for others. It just warms my heart to see him earnestly working on self-improvement, his relationship with God, and his relationship with others.

I'm so grateful for Joe in our lives. He is such a loving and calming spirit in our home. He expresses love to all of his siblings and to me often. He's a hugger (a trait he inherited from me) and affectionate in other ways, too. When he gets out of the car every morning for school, we have this tradition, started way back when he was small. He used to draw a heart with his two hands and then point at me, meaning, I love you, and I would do the same to him. Over the years, his version had become just one hand drawing more or less a circular shape and then pointing at me. Because I knew what it meant, I never really questioned it. Then when school started this year, Johnny asked me a few weeks into the year why Joe always drew a "circle with a dot" when he got out of the car. I busted up laughing. In previous years, I had always dropped Joe off after Johnny, so Johnny didn't really see the evolution of this ritual. I explained that it was supposed to be heart, and that it meant I love you. Now all the kids (except Kelly who is too cool) do the heart thing. I hope they never stop!

When the kids get out of the car, there's a bunch of "I love you" and "Goodbye" and "You're in my heart forever" that takes place. Johnny says these things to me, but to his sister Laine's dismay, he rarely says it to her. This morning, when he got out of the car, he answered Laine's comments and told her he loved her, and Laine just glowed. She was so happy!

It's moments like these that remind me to be grateful for the joy and peace I am privileged to have in my life now. The first time I realized that my life was missing it was January (2005?) after Patrick and I split up the second time. I woke up a bit late and went running down the hall to be sure the kids were up and getting ready for school. I happened to be in socks and when I tried to stop, I slid partway down the hallway, and I laughed out loud. Before you know it, all of us were running and sliding down the hall in our socks. I realized it had been a long time since I felt happy enough to laugh out loud. I resolved at that moment that I needed to have more joy in my life, and be even more grateful for the blessing of the children in my life. I'm so blessed.