Enjoying the Journey

I'm going to let you in on a few secrets about me when I was young. Shhhh...don't tell anyone!

I used to read the ends of books first. (gasp!)

Oh, and here's another one...I started my mazes from the finish line. (No!)

I'm a planner. Though not always organized, I always had a plan for every situation. And because of some very bad things that happened to me in my life, I always had one or more back up plans. I wanted to know the end from the beginning. Now Stephen Covey will tell you this is a good thing. And in certain ways, it is good. But there are some experiences, particular benefits that come from facing the unknown.

I've been facing the unknown for many years now.  Multiple unknowns, in fact. I might even go so far as to say countless, but mostly because I'm too lazy to add them all up. Let me tell you, with all those uncertainties staring you down, giving you sleepless nights and anxiety attacks, you come to realize that not every unknown thing is an enemy. That many things you do not know are neutral, and some are even positive. There is growth in uncertainty. There are gifts and treasures that you might not expect. One of those for me has been that I have come to savor the journey a bit more. When there's no endpoint to focus on, or the endpoint is shifting or unclear, then the journey becomes your focus.

Some of those joys have been people to love and finding people who love me in spite of my faults. Realizing that I'm not a complete failure (which came as a surprise to me after many, many years of feeling like and being told I was a failure). Discovering a head for business and a heart for service within me. Rediscovering my children and the joy they bring me, a deepening of my faith and my reliance on the Lord. Obtaining some healing and release from old, harmful patterns of thoughts that were leading me daily to an unthinkable end.

Even in the midst of major losses (my marriage, friends moving away, a friend and several family members who died, losing all the businesses I had ever owned, etc), I discovered that moments of peace and evidences of the Lord's tender mercies surrounded me. The beauty of the earth and God's love notes all over it would sometimes go unnoticed when I was fixated on my plan. Without my plan, and trusting in God's plan, the world would jump up and tap me on the shoulder when I was least expecting it, with a message just for me that often took my breath away. Breezes that stirred my wind chimes, orange dragonflies that hovered close to my head, glimpses of wildlife, stunning scenery, beautiful sunrises and skies...these hold meaning beyond the mundane when my heart is open.

It took facing the unknown for my heart to open. I had tucked it away where it couldn't get hurt anymore. A few people had snuck past my defenses, but I was wary from trampling. I had to learn who I could trust my heart to. I learned new ways of thinking about myself and others. I faced hard truths about myself, like my tendency to be attracted to people who were harmful to me. After learning trust, I learned to hope, something I had given up on without even realizing it. Through this process, I found this irrepressible, exciting  feeling called joy!

I find it hard still, sometimes, to resist the pull of wanting to know the end from the beginning. ("But what's going to happen??? Where is all of this leading?" Can you hear the whining? LOL) All I really need to know is where I want to end up eternally, and who I need to be like to get there, and that the Lord is there to support me through this, the journey of my life, come what may. Wow, there's so much work to be done. This seems trite, but it's really not...we can't change the past, and as hard as we might try, our tomorrows are always just beyond our reach. It's really only today that the work can be done, in the present that we love, live, forgive, laugh and give. The journey is made up of todays. Why not seek to find joy in the journey?